• sarah@healingeyes.org

Our life the comedy

Our life the comedy

Everyone around me is moving on with there lives. I am now 33 years old, I have 2 dogs and 1 cat and 1 husband. A lovely house, a car for driving to work and 2 cars of my own to play with during the summer. I have many hobbies to pass the time. Those really are great positives to have.

Yet..

Still..

Each day I can’t shut out that others are having babies, adopting kids, traveling to exciting places, living normal lives. The American motto is if you try hard at something and you really want it than it will come true….
Billboards, advertisements, comedians, commercials, Facebook, they all are reminders of what can’t be. Some days I’m ok with that, hell someday I am ecstatic We don’t have kids and we play when we want to and do what we want.
But then fucking cancer came and pulled all of those past moments of loss back up for us. Reminding us that when you start to feel better that the bad is so close behind. Now when we think we have it together it just takes one peek inside someone else’s happy life to shatter our spirits. Smiling one moment and then collapse.

We tried to go to an event at Gilda’s club for laugh fest, I thought it would be a fun escape, nope just the opposite. First thing to understand is this..it was for people in there 20s and 30s.

Ok, maybe I expected to see kids when we first got there because daycare is provided for free.
Ok, I can so handle that slap in the face.
Ok, pizza was yummy..score.
But then starts the comedian, first words out of his mouth are about breast feeding…then he gets into having kids…then he talks about death and not wanting to be strapped to a wife for all eternity. Now step back.. Everyone there finds it funny, ok…?. So I grabbed my coat and walked out In tears.
It was the perfect mixture of everything that crashes our world into pieces.

I was reading a blog the other day of someone who is a caregiver for Her dad dealing with cancer. As I read it I felt, not alone, yes she had kids and I don’t and never will, but her pain felt so real. She was putting her words out there even if it doesn’t fix the pain.
My pointless writing may be pointless and depressing to read but maybe it can connect with someone else who feels alone. I feel so alone. I miss my andy and I love him so much it breaks my heart. I physically hurt because he hurts, I get bitchy because he hurts, I want to scream because he can’t. I listen to andy talk and I don’t recognize his voice at times. His voice sounds higher and rougher…I can hear pain in it even if I’m imagining it. Some days I hear HIM again…we hug again..and maybe sneak a kiss. In a moment it’s over, but my Andy is still alive and I am still here, so tomorrow may bring another stolen moment between us where our love can breathe life into our broken bodies again. I’ll wait for the physical pain to lessen, I’ll wait for chemo to end, I’ll endure the more ct scans and doctors visits, and I’ll even shovel the driveway all winter long (I kinda like doing that but I can’t let andy know otherwise next winter I may inherit more responsibilities)

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

1 Comment so far

celicgPosted on  8:15 am - Mar 14, 2013

I would like to give thanks for the maker of this article. It gives me more knowledge about this caregiving…
Live-in Caregiver
http://www.celicg.com/

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