• sarah@healingeyes.org

Back to school jitters

Back to school jitters

ImageTomorrow is Andy’s first day back to work after our Cancer diagnosis. It’s a test to see how far we’ve come since August 2012. His desk is probably just as he left it. It’s strange that this time last year our routine was to get up at 6am and both get ready to go to work. We would eat our breakfast, kiss each other goodbye and get in separate cars and drive to our separate jobs. That all changed one Fall day when the oncologist said those awful words, Cancer. Just like that Andy’s desk was abandoned, his computer left on from whatever he was working on before he vanished. In an instant the daily routine was doctor’s appointments and scans, instead of office meetings and phone calls. Daily fears of the cancer spreading, the unknown of what the doctors could do, instead of worrying about computers breaking or office squabbles.

I can only imagine what Andy is feeling right now, if he’s excited or scared, anxious or worried, but I know that I am for both of us. My stomach is churning, my heart is being squeezed, and breathing in I feel tightness in my chest. It’s only a ONE day test run but it feels so weird, our lives were put on pause for so long, it’s not just an easy on/off button we are pushing here. This is a reboot, waking up from a forced hard return, something you don’t wake up from and return the same. There are still bugs in the system, that virus called Cancer wasn’t easily removed, it took a part away that can’t ever be replaced. This whole time I have continued on for both of us, I went to work while Andy healed. I worked amongst others living there normal lives. I have experienced the awkwardness, the feelings of not knowing what to say, how to just work even though that pressing personal crap lingers. At any minute the phone could ring or a text comes thru saying come home now, or it’s time for a doctors appointment, another ER visit delaying a normal 5 day work week. I didn’t have cancer inside me but it sure put perspective on life. 

Knowing you have cancer is completely different than living with it, this new normal is terrifying, it’s not a happy day even though many think this is because going to work must signify healed. This is a slow return to reality where everything will be different and yet the same. It’s hard not to think too deep into this but .. wow .. we survived Gastric Stage 3b Cancer, we came out the other side, its now learning to live with what we were given and coping with what was taken away that is the new and most difficult stage of this journey. Cancer doesn’t end at diagnosis or even remission, I think, at least I am guessing we are not alone in this thought… but the next days and months and hopefully years are going to be an entirely different life. One day, one deep intake of breath, and one hug at a time. Those lurking CT scans and doctor visits won’t go away but maybe the ‘On’ button will start flashing again and we can heal.

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

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