• sarah@healingeyes.org

Heads stuck in the mud

Heads stuck in the mud

What to write about when the doctor appointments have slowed down and Andy’s health is leveling out. That’s a tuffy. It’s easy to list our procedures and doctor visits in an update. Not so easy to share what it’s like after treatment is done.
The dust has settled and as i feared its not the easiest to just pick up and go on with things as they once were. Routines are different now and things we once enjoyed are tainted or lacking in fulfillment.

Andy drove to work twice without me. Strange letting go, it felt nice to be needed. But last week I got sick and he had to take care of me and himself. I am shocked I made it 8 months without getting sick. Maybe my body knew it was ok to weaken and catch a stupid virus at the start of summer. Or it could be I used up all my energy and immunity up over these past months and the virus snuck in while I was weak and my defenses were down. Either way I still am sick and andy has been a great nurse to me, feeding me and petting my head secretly at night to comfort me:)
I would do that to him at night to see if he was still breathing during those long chemo treatments. Seems a life time ago and not 2 months ago that the chemo stopped.

Andy is getting better though. Adapting to a no stomach life is hard though…I don’t know what it feels like but looking in from the outside it looks hard. Our meals are different now, I always ate less but now I look like I’m gorging on food. I feel guilty eating .. It’s not fair what happened to andy.

I’ve been searching blogs for others with gastric cancer but there are hardly any out there. The rarity of the cancer is painfully clear. The similarities of how others cope and experience cancer are comforting though. It’s comforting to read others journeys and to see so many “ah ha’s” between other strangers in the world.

For now we are waiting and hoping cancer stays away. But part of my brain can’t help but replay what the oncologist said to us during our last visit with her. I desperately asked her about reoccurrence and probability…knowing full well what I’d hear and how it wouldn’t be news that would help our healing. It’s a fine line between being prepared and sticking your head in the mud. We are told to enjoy each day and to not worry about what may happen in a month or two or a year or beyond. Continue living while still preparing ourselves for worst case scenarios. We need to collect all the medical records, ct and mri scans, to be ready to jump on a dime in case a specialist is in another network or state because you can’t fumble with that during a crisis. It’s a new living while knowing there is a bomb ticking away in the shadows, either waiting to explode or to diffuse….maybe if we are lucky they will only be small hiccup bombs in the future….or mud bubbles.

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

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