• sarah@healingeyes.org

falling … no end in sight

falling … no end in sight

It only takes a week to be set all the way back to zero again. You can be moving along thinking things are getting better and then it just takes a second and it all starts again. Every memory, moment, feeling, fear, all rush back. We are less than 3 days away from the dreaded and anticipated CT Scan. Three months of waiting, wondering, dreading… what will show up this time. What is next? It must be the anticipation that is causing Andy to be so sick this week. Every night he’s sick, can’t eat, can’t keep food down. People don’t like to talk about things when they go bad. Pain hurts everyone, which must be why its a topic better left unspoken. People ask you, ‘How’s it going’? but they don’t really want to hear the truth. Sometimes its easier to just smile and nod with the standard ‘Ok’ response.

Less than 3 days away…

The familiar drive to the hospital…the cold entrance doors…the blank stares and fake smiles from the reception desk..that awful smell of cleaning supplies and sickness..the flickering fluorescent lights. Others sitting and waiting, all for various reasons, who knows if that person has cancer or just broke a leg.

Less than 3 days away… means nothing really, cancer or no cancer we still have no stomach. Try to comprehend what that means!!!!! You can’t eat your favorite meals, you can’t find comfort in food, eating hurts, socializing to eat isn’t enjoyable, its never the same again.  I have a stomach so I don’t really know what it’s like, its not fair for me to explain. But really! That stomach really is a necessity, you don’t appreciate something until it’s gone.  When doctors say, ” you can live without a stomach”, look at them and say, “really? You try it!”  Almost a year ago when this all started we had no idea how far down we would fall, I think even now we haven’t fallen to the bottom yet. .. it’s a test to see how subterranean we can go.

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

5 Comments so far

NotDownOrOutPosted on  3:33 am - Jul 27, 2013

I am sad about these challenges you two have to address. It probably is stress that makes Andy so sick right now. I get very anxious before my check-ups. As for life without a stomach, it sounds terrible. I once was on a nothing but shakes diet for 11 months, and I had to eat something occasionally. It was so hard. And I longed for something to chew. I chewed ice chips (bad for the teeth) and gum, but it was not the same thing. And now I cannot look at a shake (it doesn’t matter how much ice cream you add) without getting queasy. After that experience, I think having no stomach would be worse. I very much hope you get some good news when the tests are done. Enough is enough!

    SarahAndyLivePosted on  11:15 am - Jul 27, 2013

    Thanks. Yea I hope it’s just stress and not some symptom of a new cancer. Pain seems worse this week… Next week will be long but hopefully end well 🙂

Cancer CurmudgeonPosted on  12:49 am - Jul 28, 2013

Indeed you are right about going bac

Cancer CurmudgeonPosted on  12:51 am - Jul 28, 2013

Sorry (previous comment sent by a puppy with a big toy).
You are right about how fast one can get sent back to zero. And you are really right about having to give the “I’m OK” response when it is not OK.

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