• sarah@healingeyes.org

treading lightly

treading lightly

This rant is for cancer caregivers only.. If you aren’t one you better stop reading because you just won’t get it…If your a friend you may think I am losing it so it’s best you stop reading now:)

The problem with online blogs that are shared with ANYONE is you have to feel obligated to put disclaimer on what is said, for good reason, because there are some things you want to scream out to those who are going thru what you are experiencing. .. but on the other hand some things better left quiet. That’s the hard balance I am feeling right now, I know that if i share how I feel at this moment I will reach someone else out there who is in a very similar place right now. They could be feeling very sad and alone and need to read this post to validate how they are feeling. Is that more important than the few who will read this and not understand and look at me and my situation wrongly?

I tread lightly, I put the walls up and ever so slightly let them down, but as soon as they fall I scurry to build them back up because that’s when you are so vulnerable to letting others in. There is so much you may want to share with others in order to not feel alone, going thru cancer with a spouse is a never ending feeling of dismay. It’s not the diagnosis or the treatments that scars the most. If you are at that point treasure those moments where you can be there for your loved one, you have a purpose, you have something to do, and you are needed. If you are now at the point of ‘waiting’ after treatments, not  knowing when/if cancer comes back than please know what you are feeling.. that feeling of hopelessness and loneliness…it’s not abnormal. It’s not easy, there will be days where you can breathe but they are few compared to the days you suffocate. The weight of what was lost is sometimes unbearable, you can lie to yourself and say this will pass, it won’t….this suffocation is forever your dark enemy. Ah I gasp for the time lost but I smile for the time gained, forever caught in the in-between.

I had a reprieve for a couple weeks, an escape from reality. Ah wait, no, it wasn’t an escape, just a change in scenery because cancer still followed me across the big wide ocean. It’s affects were not as potent because I couldn’t see the pain Andy goes thru every day, I knew it was happening, but I didn’t have to see it. I needed that time to regather my strength. Within a day of coming back to reality I am drained all over again. It happens fast! The normal routine sets in, you need to find ways to counteract it. I try so hard to motivate myself to fight the suffocation. No one can really do it for you, its a choice that as a caregiver you have to make. Will you give up? Will you feel lost? Try to breathe…Fill your lungs with air and scream if you have to. Your loved one won’t come back like they were before cancer. We all change…..Find ways to refresh, smile, breathe again. Each moment when you steal that lost moment back, you see your soul mate like he was…treasure it…and remember those moments, no matter how few, will come back. Well I hope.

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

1 Comment so far

NotDownOrOutPosted on  6:24 pm - Aug 30, 2013

You look young enough to be my daughter, so I’m going to risk sounding a little maternal by saying, “Sarah, your life is about you. You deserve/need some help here. More breaks. More support.” On the chance that someone who shouldn’t be reading is, well, it’s time for others in Sarah and Andy’s life to help this couple because love is powerful, but people are human. They can be broken under the weight of fear, responsibility, disappointment, pain, etc.

It’s time for someone else to help arrange activity, distraction, rest, escape, and relief.

Sarah, you do not sound bad–just human. You need time “off” every week. You need someone else to cover some appointments with doctors. You need someone to take you out for the afternoon and get you interacting with others.

Maybe Andy needs a support group, too. Is there a Gilda’s club or a Cancer society in the area? Even the best marriages benefit from each person having multiple sources of support!

Everyone else in the situation needs this, too! Stress is a medical condition.

Sending prayers for help to come your way. Sending positive thoughts to ease fears. I apologize if I’m a buttinski.

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