• sarah@healingeyes.org

The day after?

The day after?

Each morning I’ll get up..put clothes on to veil the grief…if tears are in supply then they will flow out like a steam…if my eyes are dry then my heart will be squeezed and ache.

I will let joy come when it comes and treasure moments when I am allowed to smile. Other times the grief will be my constant companion…my dark shadow lingering in my soul. There is only a portion of my soul that remains, just enough that god left for me to survive on. I can survive on what god gives me, my portions will be small and my breathing shallow.
Everything will remind me of andy, it always has even when I travelled the world for work without him. Escape was impossible, cancer follows you everywhere, always on my heart was Andy’s pain. When two souls are bound then both feel the disease….it eats away at life and love….slithers into the gaps in your body…pollutes from the inside.

From the heights of the alps amongst so much beauty of winter glory, gods beauty, I thought of andy. I felt the cancer, it ate us both up. I scream to god, take me instead, spare andy. He won’t listen…instead he answered my prayer by relieving andy of his pain. My prayer for peace for andy was answered. Andy took all the strength away that day…I am left a shell, a shell of who I used to be.

With emptiness I can finally be filled…the grief is taking up residence now…but some day I’m told it will lessen. God I hope not! Because then I may forget what it’s like to live and feel true pain. Pain is the strongest emotion of suffering that truly wakes you up . …

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

2 Comments so far

exiledtykePosted on  3:47 pm - Dec 25, 2013

Sarah, I was so sorry to read this. My heart goes out to you. From my own experience I think that the pain is really only a facet of the love you shared, without that love there would be no pain now. The pain won’t lessen because your love won’t lessen, but over time you will look at it less often simply because you are alive and that is the way life seems to work, but, when you do look at it, you will know that both the love and the pain survive intensely.

    SarahAndyLivePosted on  4:09 am - Dec 26, 2013

    thanks.. pain is my companion. Perhaps its how Andy is still with me, reminding me that our love was too good to be true. A love that can never be found again.

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