• sarah@healingeyes.org

Haunting pain

Haunting pain

I wake up in the middle of the night screaming..a reminder each night that I am without Andy. He haunts my dreams. Cancer doesn’t stop at death, at night I dreamt that andy had cancer still and had two weeks left to live. Then I wake up and the fog lifts slowly and I realize he is gone and at peace already…


yet my peace is not coming.. I fear sleep but at the same time long for it. During the day I doze off and the puppies curl up next to me. I do not like being a single mother, they deserve to have there papa back.  Yoshi is taking it the hardest, each night he curls up on the bed and sighs. Miko curls up on Andy’s old blanket. Life is different now..each breath hurts..then I catch myself allowing a smile to sneak in and the guilt sets in.

My soul is split between two worlds.. Andy makes his presence known from time to time with such strong pain. Again pain is my constant shadow. But I think pain reminds us what Love was and what was lost. Today I sold Andy’s recliner chair to a guy who was about to have hand surgery. He lost a son at a very young age and we talked a bit about losing a loved one. One of his friends had cancer and also passed away from it. It’s odd that each day I am put in contact with strangers in grief/pain…all connected in some way.  My life is not my own..it never was.

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

1 Comment so far

T. D. DavisPosted on  4:21 am - Dec 26, 2013

I lost my mother and my best friend to cancer, within three years of each other. I know that’s not the same as a spouse, but I know how you feel – especially at this time of the year. Peace to you!

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