• sarah@healingeyes.org

No escape for the suffering

No escape for the suffering

This story is for those grieving…those lost…those in pain with no end in sight. I fear by far this may be one of my darkest posts and perhaps one of many to come. The darkness enfolds me and I snuggle warmly in it. All my life my dark shadow haunts me, welcomes me in its ever warm embrace of self pity and sorrow. So easily it is to get lost in it. Each year it snags my heart and prior to this year I had little bits of light that kept it from encasing my heart. Perhaps it was God or perhaps it was Andy’s love for me. Either way I stubbornly ignored God’s voice in my head calling me back, prodding me and pushing the pain to break thru the darkness. I always liked juxtaposed metaphors..if that’s a correct way to put it. Two opposing forces that kinda complement each other.

Light..and…Dark

Each day passes by and soon another week, a month, a year will pass before my eyes. It is slow now and painful. Many think, of which I will never understand, that I am strong. I am not strong…I just learned tricks to endure pain. Maybe its all the times I stub my toe or hit my shin and then Andy would laugh at me. I bruise easily on the outside.. but inside its layers on layers of built up walls that rebuild every day to withstand this cruel world. I never really thought of this world as a ‘fallen world’ before but I think it is. This world is pain and suffering.

I read the book ‘The Shack‘ today finally. It’s a short read and powerful. It gave me comfort earlier today but then tonight it shattered my walls again. This time I fear the walls are shattered deeper than every before. People speak of stages of grief..I guess they could exist. But for me I do everything fast and process things fast.. so when faced with pain and grief it hits me extra hard. So many triggers will do it..today it was giving away some video games to be sold on ebay by a long lost friend. A piece of Andy gone..and by proximity a piece of my past story. Over and over this will happen, different triggers at any given time.

Anyone out there who went over a year of watching someone die from cancer. Please know it can get very ugly. The pain will become unbearable and you will die with your loved one each time they take chemo, drugs, ER visits, and wretched suffering of pain. Each day will get worse and worse. One day it may end and maybe one day it will be a fairy tale ending. Either way modern medicine is good and bad, chemo is poison and with a patient in late stage cancer with unlikelihood of curing it the cost is high for the poison. Many may disagree and it may be controversial but me and Andy’s story showed me each day how the poison worked. This world is cruel and unforgiving…I hope and dream that heaven will be the juxtapose to this hell on earth.
…Cancer is hell…
…..Treatments are its poison…
..In some small moments there is peace from the pain, perhaps…
…But evermore cancer will change you and I pray few have to endure long the pain of watching and feeling someone die in front of your very eyes.

This world is a whole lot darker without Andy in it… It isn’t fair that he’s gone but if anyone said life is fair they are trying to sell you something.

The moral of the story? Sorry to disappoint but I don’t have one… but maybe just maybe after this world the suffering will end and bright color will shine all around, tears will flow no more, hearts will breathe again..Faith in that will keep me alive until some day I see Andy again.

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

1 Comment so far

Cancer CurmudgeonPosted on  10:50 pm - Dec 31, 2013

How right you are about tricks to endure pain.
Do not know the words to comfort you–there are none, I think. Only know I am listening.

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