• sarah@healingeyes.org

I don’t know

I don’t know

Buck island tour

Buck island tour

Reflecting on life

Reflecting on life

Where to begin.. it’s been a week on the ‘island’.. this strange step into the unknown as a Widow.

A young widow jumping on a plane in the middle of winter to leave behind mountains of snow to fly over the ocean to a tiny little island to meet people she never met before all on a Leap of Faith. My husband of 13 years passed away right before Christmas from cancer. My life has been flipped upside down, my house is most likely selling, my dogs are confused, my stuff is disappearing to Goodwill, and here I am on an island. It’s almost as if my life is now an island.. a tiny new little island being formed amidst this huge storm of suffering and pain..wondering what will become of it all…and what will God now do with the shell of a person left behind.

How do I describe my first week of discovery and healing. Well we can first say I panicked and almost wanted to flag down any passing ship or plane to get me the hell out of here. Or I could say that never crossed my mind and everything is perfect because life always works out like you plan.. cough cough .. not really. Yes it’s true I had my ‘doubting God’ moment every single day here.. I cried myself to sleep and was homesick for my home that really is disappearing back in all the snow. If you think about life as a Widow there is no normal anymore. Everything is different when your soulmate dies, even though over the year I watched Andy suffer endlessly and fade away I still knew he was breathing my air. Now after the storm its a strange feeling of loss…that no words can express.

Back to the island.. I have met many friendly people. Sometimes the generosity and kindness overwhelms me because amidst all the pain from cancer its easy to get sucked in and be blind to any good around you. One thing about pain is it is suffocating. You don’t fully comprehend it when you are swallowed up in it. Everyone is on the outside of your heart and you build walls to protect yourself from any other forms of pain that could penetrate the defenses. So step one in God’s plan is to annihilate those walls and let people in that care and just accept kindness. Perhaps that is the biggest thing to take away from week 1.

Next on my agenda is to try and SLEEP. Ok sounds simple.. just mix hot weather, exercise, mental exhaustion and that should equal blissful sleep. hmm not when you are grieving. Why? Well there is this little thing called missing your husband while you sleep, the little hugs, the little sounds of breathing, all the things you take for granted in a marriage. Tonight I hope and pray sleep will be restful…but there still is time to remedy that if it doesn’t happen yet. You can’t rush grieving.

Don’t underestimate the power of prayer. Yes I know..me talking about prayer? Holy cow who is this person right? Well let’s just say maybe prayer works..maybe it’s ok to cry in front of strangers while praying..maybe God really does listen and cares..maybe he wants to hear our ramblings and concerns.

Lastly, next time you pass a person maybe it’s not such a bad idea to say hi and smile. Here on the island you have strangers just saying hi and blessings to you. Maybe its the sun and nice weather talking or maybe it actually can be healing to build passing relationships with strangers. It’s amazing what you can feel and learn when stopping to listen to a person you might not normally give the time of day. Serving breakfast this morning it was fun to say Good Morning and to learn people’s names and street names. Their smiles had the power to make this broken heart smile … even if for a moment.. it’s hard to see outside our own pain sometimes. One guy said to me, “It will be ok, you will be ok”.. Really? how did he know I was struggling, it must be written all over my face. This guy used to be a thief and homeless, he talked to me my first day serving, his story was pretty interesting but he turned his life around and now helps out at the mission…

Enough sappiness for one night.. Hang in there everyone struggling with either cancer, grief, or any kind of loss. Maybe someday things will calm down.

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

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