• sarah@healingeyes.org

What does one do with Great Pain?

What does one do with Great Pain?

 

They either let it swallow them up and poison there heart or they set it free hoping the words once spoken will free them from it. Maybe that’s why I lay my life open like an open book to complete strangers behind this mask of story telling.

Just over 2 months ago I lost everything. Cancer had taken hold of my marriage to my soulmate of 13 years. In August of 2012 my husband was diagnosed with Gastric cancer in the midst of our hopes and dreams to adopt a child and free ourselves from the pain of child death and childlessness.

We searched for so long to find that missing piece in our hearts. Little did we know that was God at work in our hearts. Patiently waiting and laying out events and choices before us. While both of us were undecided on God in our lives, cancer the C-word took hold like a thief. Andy lost first his stomach and then the freedom to live without physical pain 24 hours a day with little sleep.

I watched as my husband slowly died month after month in my arms. In the end his mind went and I felt I had lost him completely. But then hope came to us in a series of events _ both good and bad. I was in Germany when I had him ambulanced to the hospital from an overdose. When I returned home we hugged, cried, and found love again. His health quickly declined and the cancer slithered back in with a vengeance. In less than 3 weeks my love died forever in my arms. Thru incredible pain he finally found peace _ his heart slowed and he fell asleep in Jesus’s arms. Within 2 days I kissed him goodbye forever as his body turned back to dust and his battered body was free from its chains.

The day he died he gave up and threw his arms in the air and said, “I love God”! He would join our baby in heaven and he was ready to die. With that closure of death my life became Gods, I just didn’t know it yet.

The connections started prior to my husbands death with a missionary named April living in St. Croix took hold in my heart and soon I was on a plane to an island not knowing why God said go and what I was to learn so soon after death.

My first leap of faith as a newly reborn child of God full of questions and fear. I met pain head on and I heard people’s stories of heartache and endurance thru misery. I was challenged to see a strong faith in something I couldn’t see and an openness to building relationships that I in the past would have shrunk from. My walls were falling and I did not like it. It was overwhelming to say the least when I started to hear a still voice in me that wanted so badly to expose my raw pain.

I volunteered my time at Lighthouse Missions, I really felt quite out of my element and being stretched outside my comfort zone every minute of the day. I was passed between April (the CEF missionary) and Debbie (the director of the lighthouse mission). For 2 weeks my life really wasn’t mine, I was to watch and listen. A feather in the wind going where God wanted me, meeting the right person at the right time to just hear their story and perhaps tell my sappy sad one. It was becoming clear to me that God was calling me to something. He wanted me to remember what faith was like that I knew when i was a kid. He wanted me to fall in love with something bigger than myself so that when I returned home I could tell a story of a broken heart that might just have a chance to mend, but only with the help of someone much bigger than me. I did not want to listen and I did not want to believe I could be used for something if I just gave up control.

I am going to take a leap of faith and continue my crazy journey outside my comfort zone. Sometimes after loss and during grief a person can decide to run from pain or avoid it. My calling is different…my calling is to use my pain in order to heal from my pain. Sounds messed up? That’s probably a good thing because that means it’s not my idea. Selling my house, both my cars, and donating most of my assets to Goodwill are not logical things to do. What I gain is peace each time i give up more of me.

When I married my Andy in June of 2000 on a beautiful sunny day, God had begun his plan, to let me go for awhile so that I could slowly take his blessing of Pain in edible bite sized pieces. If I had known on that day what was to lay ahead of me I would have not survived the weight of that pain. In time the memories, experiences, trials, illness, and finally utter loss would open a door for me to return to God a different person. A broken person that will seize the chance to take action and trust in something unthinkable.

So over the next few weeks I will continue to shrink my belongings and surrender to a life not my own so that I can be free to go where I must.

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

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