• sarah@healingeyes.org

Proof of what?

Proof of what?

I need your pain…it’s not love any other way

I already know who you are and all the things that kept us apart… It’s enough, it’s not enough to just say I’m ok..I need your hurt.. I need your pain.

“You are Mine for all Time … utterly secure you are…your future is absolutely assured!”

Those were the words I read this morning when I got into work for March 10th out of the ‘Jesus Calling’ book on a friends desk. Every morning I walk over, regardless of how busy I am, and read the daily inspiration for the day. There is no hiding it, God is screaming at me and proving with each step I take that it is ever SO right! How did I live for so long outside of this amazing embrace of faith?! Maybe it was the fear of believing and fear of losing control. 

I worried that this blog might turn into a ‘Religious’ ‘Christian’ blog more than a journey of ‘LIVING’. Why do we put so much attention on the word ‘Religion’ and what denomination we are, what the differences are between each of us, and being a ‘good’ christian? Because then we concentrate on all those things instead of just BELIEVING in something more and LIVING truly in faith of a LOVE we all can touch. Sometimes I just feel like my words are not my own and my story could have purpose to touch others… Maybe that’s my calling?!

Each day is a surprise on how it unfolds before me. The day started slowly by hitting the snooze button. It got better as I went thru the day listening to what God wanted me to hear and see. Then as the night closes in and I realize my bed is alone I look to the memories of times lost. For those who have lost a husband to cancer they can understand the pain. The relief felt after death finally releases there husband from the grips of pain. I went to the cancer center the other day where Andy had his surgery and I visited the garden on the top floor. It had both good and bad memories obviously, but I wanted to face something by going there. It wasn’t really closure but a closeness with the battle we fought that 2 weeks in the hospital. I even reconnected with his doctor while there. She was a doctor that always cared about Andy and took such care in answering our questions and concerns (I have to be careful since I know she may be reading this haha:). But really, you can’t find many doctors who give so much time and care for a patient, one of many patients who drain there emotions day after day. Knowing that those who come in may eventually die from the disease while watching them suffer from the pain and reality of the truth. She told me, “Sarah, you did everything you could…the disease was too much for Andy…it wasn’t your fault. It may take a long time to truly believe that, Sarah, but you loved Andy so much, it was obvious to everyone you loved him even thru the hard times. It wasn’t your fault”.

It may seem obvious to think that dying from Cancer is not the caregivers fault. But there is a part of me that believes I didn’t do enough and that I did kill Andy. How ridiculous that sounds when saying it aloud! But I watched him suffer, I watched him die, I felt his last breathe. I helped him find relief from the pain with the morphine drip. I made him comfortable in his final hours. The disease killed Andy but the disease also killed me. It killed an innocence in me, a belief that we are all in control of our lives. I will never forget the ravishing effects that chemo took on Andy’s frail body, the broken heart of a man who lost everything and when faced with dying finally gave in. Made the choice to stop fighting and leave this earth. When I was in St. Croix I read a book, Proof of Heaven, and at the end of it was a poem. I know this will lengthen this blog entry but I know thru it’s words it gave me peace and it was as if Andy was saying to me, he didn’t want to go but…

“When tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not there to see, If the sun should rise and find your eyes are filled with tears for me; I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today, while thinking of the many things, we didn’t get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you, and each time you think of me, I know you’ll miss me too. But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand, that an angel came and called my name,
and took me by the hand, and said my place was ready, In heaven far above and that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love. But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye For all my life, I’d always thought,
I didn’t want to die. I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do. It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you. I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad, The thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had. I’d say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile. But then I fully realized that this could never be.
For emptiness and memories would take the place of me. And when I thought of worldly things I might miss come tomorrow. I thought of you, and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow. But when I walked through heaven’s gates I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me, from his great golden throne, He said, “This is eternity, and all i’ve promised you. Today your life on earth is past but here it starts a new. I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last and since each day’s the same say. There is no longing for the past. You have been so faithful, so trusting and so true. Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldnt do. But you have been forgiven and now at last you’re free. So won’t you come and take my head and share my life with me?”
So when tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re for apart, for every time you think of me I’m right here, in your heart.

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Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

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