• sarah@healingeyes.org

Are we all ‘Ok’ ?

Are we all ‘Ok’ ?

Is it ok to share with the world doubts?

Is it ok to expose ones fears to the world about trusting in God?

What good can come from being that transparent with people about one’s thoughts and feelings? Doesn’t that leave us vulnerable to being seen as weak to ones peers? Putting everything on the line and letting others judge you however they see fit. Every day we get dressed and prepare ourselves for a day of barrage of negatives mixed with positives. More often than not I find myself waking up and sighing anxiety thinking what will today be like and am I ready for more dissapointment. Not a very healthy way to start a day when I already assume its going to be bad before it begins. It seems we can’t every be entirely genuine out of fear of what others might think of our actions or even physical appearance for the day. Is that what God wants? To have us be less genuine and put on an ‘ok’ face in order to make others more comfortable? Sounds silly when said out loud.

Last night I looked at old photos of Andy. Our last vacation together in June for our 13th Wedding anniversary we went to Jamaica. We figured let’s go all out since we had wanted to go Ireland but that was right before cancer was diagnosed. Our dream vacation was to go to Ireland together and that was quickly snatched away. As I was looking at photos of Jamaica I saw a pattern develop in how Andy looked in each photo, something I had subconsciously been ignoring while he was sick. However, I knew it was happening since I saw it every day. That slow death in the eyes, the hollow pain filled look in his eyes. For months on end he was in pain and his eyes showed it every day. At times I could look past it and see the Andy inside but soon that pain was just overwhelming him as hard as he wanted to pretend he was ‘ok’. In each photo he did his half smile he always did but this time his eyes showed the other side…the side of internal pain and struggle with cancer. June was the mid point for his remission (I dislike that word) and our high point of being able to do activities together without him being completely wiped out. Most of the vacation I would walk the beach while he slept, or I would swim while he chilled in a lounge chair. He tried so hard to swim with the dolphins but as I knew he was having fun seeing me smile it was killing him to continue putting that happy face on. Maybe I tried to smile too much for the both of us. Maybe that’s where we shined…I could put the happy face on for the both of us and pick up the slack. Oh what a great vacation though! I got to see sooo much of past Andy on that island before the coming months back at home would prove too much for Andy’s strength and mine. Inside I was a mess and putting on that face to the world that I was ‘ok’. Some days we both were good at it but other days it was obvious. Cancer was ruining everything..the disease was stealing everything away.

Is there life after Cancer? Depends on the stage in my opinion. First round of chemo, yes. After major surgery and removal of a stomach, yes’ish. After 2nd round of chemo, barely. That last round of chemo was what annihilated Andy’s body and spirit. That last round of chemo took the last of my pre-cancer Andy away and we were left to muddle thru the aftermath. We did find happy moments that made it worth it..such as Jamaica!

Oh that Andy is finally free is what keeps me going each day. Fly Andy, Soar Andy, and guide my days on this earth as an Angel by my side. Nudge me to move..Nudge me to try.. Nudge me to just Wake up in the morning like you did those weeks following your death. Where you whispered ever so quietly in my ear, “Please Get Up”.

 

Dolphin Andy Resting EEk

 

Fundraising for my Real Mission Trip

 

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

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