• sarah@healingeyes.org

How can one know?

How can one know?

What to do when all is quiet .. And your heart still aches for the past of who you once were. Is it worse to mourn the loss of a spouse or the loss of a past version of ones self?
So quickly can you surrender everything to follow a dream. A dream not known ever existed. A dream that has been sleeping silently in my heart, awaiting the right moments to be opened.

Someone asked me, “How do you know when God asks you to do something?”
I replied with hesitation because of fear of sounding crazy.
“For me it’s a tight pain in my chest and I feel crushed from the weight of something I can’t control…a feeling of being out of control. A voice whispering in my ear that I stubbornly pass as being my voice mixed with a crazy person. Sometimes when I give up control of thinking and just say ‘Ok’, a peace comes over me.” How can I ever know when something is real or make believe? Normally I’ll ask for clear direction and then soon after I suck up my pride and take a step out of my comfort zone and instantly my worry is answered.
My latest moment was Sunday when I was struggling with when to vacate my apartment. I went to my brothers church and all thru the service I felt uneasy and out of place, I never quite feel right yet in a church. After the service we went to find the person who wanted to interview me for my story and I introduced myself to her. She said she felt like we need to do the interview in an empty room with one chair, perhaps an empty apartment.
I have just that! Seriously?! Just like that I had my answer after i gave up my struggle that morning to God. So it’s settled, my interview is this Sunday at 2pm in my empty apartment. Sadly last night a couple bought my very last piece of furniture, A Chair! It was a glider rocker that andy and I bought for the would be nursery. Of course it went to a pregnant lady for her nursery, really God!?

Each day and moment is a chance to listen and let go.
Each day is a chance to fight that battle of wanting control.
Each day I grieve for my past life with andy and the excruciating pain of cancer.

It’s not getting easier with each passing day. Time is not healing the loss of Andy. Time amplifies the severed limb that once was my marriage.
In our final months andy faded so quickly from sight. His eyes revealed the pain he fought so hard to keep from me. In the end that pain was a disease that polluted our bond. It weakened our hearts and took its final blow. I can’t ever escape the guilt of being weak and gasping for air but I know I’m not alone. The guilt might eat me alive but God wants so badly to save me and turn my pain into more. Into a life that can have hope and life. In two weeks I will leave behind my comfort zone and begin my journey to learn how to be stronger and have faith. It won’t be easy or pretty but it will change me because every step anyone takes is a chance to breathe and create change.

Caregivers stay strong and never consider being weak a weakness because thru weakness and pain is growth.

grace by Laura story

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

1 Comment so far

kristi husebyPosted on  2:23 pm - Apr 5, 2014

Sarah, this is soooo good. Thanks for the honesty – it’s really refreshing!!

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