• sarah@healingeyes.org

Speak Louder Please

Speak Louder Please

So I asked God tonight why am I here? What am I supposed to do…? After a painful afternoon of solitude in the very hot room I reside in. Feeling sorry for myself and doubting my decisions. Missing Andy and what I used to have.

He answered with Matthew 12:18-21 which talked about a Chosen Servant. Which then led me to a bunch of other verses and finally landed on Matthew 12:44-45

“Then it says, I will return to the house I left. When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.”

Now I can’t take this all literally but I feel an interesting theme about being chosen and needing to be filled up with some Good vibes. Now I’m going to take a chance and include my personal journal entry that I got from this soul searching endeavor. Usually I censor a bit my blog posts to not get too personal and not too Godly but for some reason this one feels important.


When I lost everything I became broken and empty. I then started to remember God and my love for him. If I don’t fill myself with God than its an empty room for others to occupy…putting the old desires of worldly things and possessions back in. The comforts of my life and security of having a job.

By moving to St Croix and being around new Godly people I am exposing myself to good and Godly things to fill me back up before someone else wins. That’s one reason of many why I had to come back here so soon, because if I didn’t I would be tempted to fall back into my old routine and not let God take control. I don’t have to give up everything forever but I do have to give God time to fill my empty heart back up with good and hope and unharden my heart. All this in order to go back and live a life more in tune with what God wanted for me before I strayed.

So what does this all mean? It means I had an awesome 13 year marriage filled with love and happiness. It was taken away from me and Andy suffered miserably in the end but thru that pain he accepted God and now is at rest. It wasn’t cancer that made his heart change but somehow the crack got bigger in his heart and he found a great peace. Now for me, losing Andy has caused a huge astronomic gaping hole in my heart that could easily be filled up with my past way of living. This could be ok but I have to be cautious because this time I want to put God first. God knew all of this and planted the seed in me to step out of my comfort zone and be willing to try something new. This ‘new’ doesn’t have to be forever but it does have a time and place.. and timing is everything. So I need to sit back and enjoy the ride, be patient, and accept my limitations of NO car and LIMITED freedom.. and the part that is REALLY hard to adjust to is NO personal space like I had when I owned a home.

So OK…I see a bit more of the puzzle piece and I’ll wait before I buy a ticket back home. Ugh



Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

2 Comments so far

MikePosted on  2:46 am - Apr 27, 2014

You are brave and trusting the words you read. Know that you are our hero! You have the time and place to now hear his words for you, it would not be possible for you here.

    SarahAndyLivePosted on  3:02 am - Apr 27, 2014

    Thanks mike! Your words encourage me when I doubt myself. Which is often in this heat and unfamiliar surroundings. Eek so crazy being here! Keep reading our book in the mornings 🙂

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