• sarah@healingeyes.org

Exhale…yup still weak

Exhale…yup still weak

“To suffer passes; to have suffered never passes.  .. But people who have suffered are the very best equipped to help.”

“My grace is sufficient in you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Oh what pain I feel in my heart today.. it feels like a knife is being pushed into my heart and I have great pain in breathing. There is a huge weight on my chest that won’t budge it seems. Last night I got the final cut of the video that my church made before I left for St. Croix.  It was quite amazing to watch and see the words come out of from my heart so freely. I still don’t know who that person in the video was that was speaking. She looked strong and weak at the same time.. as if being held up by some invisible force. Perhaps when we are at our weakest we find the greatest strength.

I think it was one of Paul’s letters to the church that spoke about God’s pattern of reaching out to the lowly and the weak in order to show his power to strengthen us when our own bodies can’t.

Beatitudes: poverty, affliction, sorrow, and weakness can actually be means of grace if we turn to God.  It seems the weaker we feel the harder we may give in to God’s help.

I always tried to do things on my own and have full control of everything.  Andy and I were in control for many years and it wore us down.  In that weakness God found his way in. The crack thru the wall was exposed and he knew exactly how to strike..to push his way in. My weakness of self-sufficiency was the key to breaking me and Andy. Andy was dependent on my strength and when it was tapped dry I collapsed. A lot of things happened in that final month of Andy’s and mine journey.. some was for the good and some was to later cause me immense guilt. Working thru the past over and over in my head I try to validate each choice made and each decision. I find myself dwelling on the past and thinking ‘what if’… ‘what if I did more…’what if I acted differently’…’what if I never gave into God’…’what if I had died instead of Andy’..

This mind set will either suffocate me slowly or if I let God maybe it can strengthen me even more. I pray that this pain would be redeemed or transformed to benefit God’s plan for me on the island and wherever he might lead me next.

 

Where is God when it hurts? The answer is simple.. he is there all along but the pain is in the way.

 

Slowly I am starting to see that there is no coincidence in life. That word is a lie that we use to discredit God at work in the tiny tiny details of our lives.  At this moment I am on a plane flying back to the United States and I am filled with a desire to write down my thoughts. The pain in my heart is still throbbing but as I start writing it feels a bit better. I pulled out from my bag a notepad I had used during my business trip and on it I had written over and over a bible verse I was trying to memorize. Of course it was perfect for my current anxiety and feelings of despair. God really is in the details!

“Humble yourself, therefore, under God’s mighty hand that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5: 6-7.

Tomorrow morning I make my final journey back to the island from a week away on business. This business trip sucked the energy out of me and tempted me back to my past life. Above all it has made it hard again to be alone in this hotel room knowing I am to get on a plane again tomorrow to readjust to the island. I feel as if I am Jonah avoiding what I am supposed to do…I know what it is but I am scared to go all in. Which is worse…. not listening and struggling thru the road blocks that now pop up to frustrate me … OR .. listen and see the doors open, the unknown unfold before my eyes but at the cost of being terrified to change.

 

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

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