• sarah@healingeyes.org

Transparency thru honesty

Transparency thru honesty

There was a friend in my life that was very kind to Andy and I. She gave us meals during chemo treatments and offered encouragement to us during our journey thru cancer. I didn’t know her prior to Andy’s diagnosis and treatments. There were many people that offered support to us during those months of hell.

Why is it that during the most trying moments in our lives we can make some of the worse choices in our lives that will stay with us forever.

I just finished this booked called ‘the healing power of Forgiveness’ by George Foster and it really struck home.  There has been hurt caused to a friend that only showed kindness to me.. I have carried this guilt with me for many months.

As this blog has been a tool in being transparent and honest with followers around the world of Andy’s and mine journey through life it seems hypocritical to leave out a part of the journey that affected so many people and molded the grief that lingers still after Andy’s death. The grief of dishonesty. It seems that this world really is a fallen word and than sin is so easy to fall victim to.

Andy and I went so many years facing life’s challenges together and dealing with pain as a couple. We relied on no one else but ourselves, God was not a source of strength we tapped into. Perhaps that makes it all more fitting to realize now that the third loss in our lives, cancer, was what did us in and revealed how impossible it is to endure life’s trials without his help. We really can’t make it thru challenges with out God’s voice to guide us to do what’s right. It might seem like it for years since we do make daily success stories of surviving the odds but eventually it catches up to you.

Those last 2 months of Andy’s life and our marriage were the most difficult and destructive months. The disease of cancer was doing its best to destroy us both. One thing I didn’t realize was that it was killing me too, it was killing our marriage and the very core of its foundation we prized so much. Honesty was what held us together. Complete transparency. Thru infertility we were honest about the pain and expectations of the outcomes. Adoption opened up the door for exploring what our marriage was to the outside world. The disease was now to inflict its final blow on us by causing us to turn on one another. Andy hid his pain from me in order to spare me more pain. Spare me the worry of not taking care of him enough. The feeling of never doing enough to fix his pain was developing. Andy loved me so much and wanted everything for me and it killed him to watch me suffer at his side.

I began hiding things from Andy in order to seek an escape from the pain. Watching him die each day was taking its toll on my body. I was becoming sick to my stomach and the anxiety attacks were increasing. I kept telling myself I was in control but honestly I wasn’t. The search for why God was doing this was starting.. the search for believing in something took hold in my heart. I feared rediscovering that side of me would push Andy away and so I hid that from him. The dishonesty took its first steps in our marriage.

Cancer changed Andy and me. For me the ‘honest’ Sarah slowly died and looked for ways to escape the pain. To find answers. Sometimes I felt the need to sneak around to rediscover who I was. I missed my relationship with God and with Andy. I mourned it long before Andy died. The disease robbed me of the one thing Andy and I held dearly. And that was honesty. Honest about our feelings, pain, hopes for a future together, happiness were all accessible before cancer. But slowly it ate away at that core value of our love. I was not patient towards the end and didn’t wait on God, as a result I got too close to another person and relied on him too much for support I should have been seeking from God. As a result I now carry a burden of guilt towards a friend hurt in the aftermath of Cancer’s poison. I am so sorry to this person and I regret my actions and I ask for forgiveness even though I do not deserve it. She was nothing but kind to us.

To anyone starting or reaching the end of Cancer’s hold on your life I pray that you will seek out support and direction from God. Even if you may not believe or think its all bologna.. I once thought it was and I even ran from his embrace. He so wanted to help me but I was stubborn. So much pain and suffering in this world that can never be taken away, this world is screwed up and sadly Cancer is most invasive disease since it affects both patient and caregiver.

I have reached out to one of Andy’s past doctors and we have become friends. She talks me down when I am in the grips of despair with words of encouragement. Caregivers take on so much guilt of what they could have done. I never realized the effect cancer had on me. I did but I didn’t. It really does damage loved ones..it’s no excuse for our actions, but it does expose our weaknesses. When we are weak we fall…it doesn’t care who you are or how you used to live…Cancer sucks!

I flipped open my bible in search of a verse about Weakness.. instead I found a story about vulnerability. Which makes sense, we are most vulnerable when we are not in God’s hands. Genesis 20:2.  I won’t recite it but I will write the footnotes, which may have more impact. “Abraham had used this same trick before to protect himself. Although Abraham is one of our heroes of faith, he did not learn his lesson well enough the first time. In fact, by giving in to the temptation again, he risked turning a sinful act into a sinful pattern of lying whenever he suspected his life in danger. No matter how much we love God, certain temptations are especially difficult to resist. These are the vulnerable spots in our spiritual armor. As we struggle with these weaknesses, we can be encouraged to know that God is watching out for us just as he did for Abraham”.

I am not perfect. Andy was not perfect. No one is perfect. But maybe accepting that is the first step towards healing from a past we can never forget.

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

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