• sarah@healingeyes.org

Long day on da island

Long day on da island

This evening I had a very sudden burst of grief overwhelm me. It’s been at least a week since that’s happened. I saw a man that was skin and bones , literally , not exaggerating. It brought back painful images of Andy’s body being ravished by starvation. His first started the month before we learned he had cancer. He lost 30 pounds in a month! After his stomach came out he began losing more. After his final chemo rounds it just kept getting worse. The month of his death he was so frail. To hug him was to feel bones protruding under his skin. He walked slowly and bent over a little. He just looked sluggish and confused. When your so close to someone sick you see it but you also kinda don’t see it because it’s a slow progression.

I drove home in the dark crying and repeating , “Andy was that skinny, Andy was that skinny”.

I miss Andy. I ache for Andy.

I dreamt last night about him. He was not healthy in my dream. He rarely is:(

Prior to my melt down I had a good day. The kids last day of after school program at the lighthouse. They were extra extra loud and crazy. Little Gracie was up and down on emotions. She has a hard time with anger I notice. Also she craves attention and will do odd things to get it. I think she is testing me to see what she can get away with. I of course am a push over and have a hard time getting her respect. In the end I did get her to apologize to me in return for her fruit snacks. It’s so weird being around kids. I’m getting better though. It’s sad it’s summer vacation now and my practice with kids will lessen:(
There was one point today where Gracie noticed I had my bracelet on still that I made with her. She asked why I had it still. I said it was because I made it with her. This was during her anger spell and she wouldn’t apologize for misbehaving. So then the other girl with us said how awful it was that Gracie was being mean when I just said how important my bracelet was. Then Gracie seemed to understand more that she should be nicer.

I have a lot to learn about kids. But that must be why I’m here. One of a few reasons at least.

Tomorrow I pack my two totes up and move to my one bedroom apartment. I’m pretty excited about that…but also scared I’m splurging too much on myself. But it seems God wanted to spoil me this time and I need to not fight him on it.

 

 

 

 

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

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