• sarah@healingeyes.org

This is a confession of a young widow who sometimes just can’t do things she used to do when married. My weakness of grief won this afternoon again. It happened last week too where the same trigger annihilated me.

 Meet the adversary:

 

This jeep has become my reminder of a time gone. A time where Andy and I worked on cars together… a time when Andy and I went to junkyards together looking for parts…a time when Andy would take care of minor things on cars…a time when Andy and I would decide what car to purchase….a time when Andy was alive.

This Jeep is a thorn in my side. This Jeep is my reminder that now I am a widow and that there is no Andy to rely on.  My Jeep window fell off the other day from rusting thru on its little peg that inserts into the door panel. Now I can live without this, if it rains I just get wet but most of the time its sunny and when it does rain the cold water feels nice. But really it would be nice to have a window.  Today I went to see a welder about an option to fix it…it proved to be too costly and pressed that darn button of grief in me. So what did I do? I went home and took some Tylenol PM so I could just sleep the rest of the day away while crying to a friend about how much I missed Andy. It wasn’t about a stupid window or a Jeep that needs brakes fixed and/or has an exhaust leak. It was about the fact that Andy is gone and that no more will I play cars with Andy. No more will he and I change the oil on a car, no more will he fix the car when I can’t.

My need is a simple one. I need a window, possibly two when the other goes. I need to take the Jeep to get the brakes looked at see what the cost will be (which will be ridiculously high since its an island).

The deeper need is impossible to buy my way out of. My husband is dead and that past life can’t be wished back to existence. That bond with someone is gone and so dies with it the Sarah that could wake up and see Andy tinkering away in our driveway with cars.

Goodbye my mechanic Andy.

Goodbye my loving husband.

Goodbye my partner… the countdown to our wedding anniversary has begun..6 more days!

(I just broke down and paid $8.00 for a frozen pizza, I just couldn’t buy the $2.99 Pizza for One…too depressing)

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

2 Comments so far

PTPosted on  11:53 pm - Jun 4, 2014

Hugs, Sarah. Enjoy every bite of that big pizza xxx

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