• sarah@healingeyes.org

Second guessing

Second guessing

Jumping into the whole God world head first is proving to be difficult.

I am not ‘Godly’, I am just Sarah. A wife, businesswoman, car lover, dog lover, writer, artist, and pianist. I crochet and enjoy gardening. I do not play with kids and I am not a teacher of kids. I can’t even have any kids biologically…Andy and I tried and there is no little Andy running around with his hazel eyes.

I know how hospitals work, the ins and outs of cancer centers, how to use an IV pole, how to set up a feeding tube bag, medication doses, nausea remedies, eating without a stomach, and watching someone starve to death. Those are my skills!

I can work on computers, lead projects, and communication with global teams, travel, play video games, bike long distances, rollerblade, and even teach dog agility. Those are my assets.

I am tired and ready to give up, to realize my grief stricken mistake of moving to an island believing in something bigger to escape grief. Move back to Michigan and renting an apartment and working in an office is quite suitable to my skill set. I could even take up a medical career since I have 2 years experience in care giving.

It’s acceptable!
I miss Andy.. I want my life back!

The Caribbean sea is a prison and my mind is the torture device to keep me in a fog. Over and over I see who I was and long to have it back. The Emergency Room visits and all the nurse questions I can handle. I have notes and records for all of that. Every bit of that old life I would gladly take back if I could just see Andy again. To hold him in my arms and see his smile. I am a wife with a ghost husband.

What so called ‘God’ takes a 34 year old man and gives him a disease and lets him starve to death. While allowing his wife to watch him die, and in the end makes the necessary requests for the final narcotic pain relieving drugs to be given to him so that he can die in peace. Why do Christians always say, ‘It’s God’s will’. … ‘It’s God’s plan’.  When really its just cuz cancer sucks and we are stuck on this earth where there is nothing you can do but suffer thru it.

We can choose to cling to words in a book. We can choose to drink the pain away…take pills..exercise a lot..or just ignore the pain by shoving it deep down in the abyss.  Hundred of outlets and different religions are at our disposal. Is there really one magical answer? I don’t think so. It’s going to take several tools to get past the pain of death…deciphering which ones to combine is the age old question. Why does God allow so much pain for the ones he ‘loves’?

I remember how I avoided ‘God’ blogs because I didn’t want to hear the cliché over and over about it’s God’s will and God gives me strength. Now it seems I have turned into that cliché and it irks me. Andy and I did not find our strength in that. We talked thru things, we discussed our problems, and we worked as a team. Before Andy died the drugs took that side of him away. He wasn’t coherent enough to be my partner anymore. He was a shadow of Andy’s personality. I lived with a ghost already dead.

I find it really hard to turn to God for everything. 14 years of the opposite mind set is hard to just reverse in a matter of months. I am not even sure if it should be entirely reversed because there is some validity to living outside a bubble of faith. Dose of reality and pain can give different perspective on things.

Now what to do…? Stay on this island and still test this ‘God’ theory out and see if it’s for real by studying the bible. Or. Go back to the states and figure out what I want to do and what I am good at now that I am a widow. Or maybe there is a middle ground.

Either way cancer sucks! And Grieving sucks even more! Us elite cancer caregiver survivors wobble between guilt and pain and loss. What could have been done differently? What did I do wrong? Why cancer? What now?

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

5 Comments so far

PTPosted on  9:57 pm - Jun 23, 2014

Excellenylt grappling, Sarah. Hugs, sweetheart xxx

amandaPosted on  12:09 pm - Jun 25, 2014

Sarah be strong!! The devil creeps in the most on people trying to do good! You’re doing a brave thing that most couldn’t do and there’s gotta be times of weakness so there’s room to grow!! Andy is still with you ! It has to get easier to live just keep trusting God you got to that island somehow!

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