• sarah@healingeyes.org

Ant Power

Ant Power

Whatever am I to do? I’m not the person for this job I keep telling myself. Most of my career I hid from people, I was an introvert and proud of it. Put me in front of a computer and I can work some magic and at lightning speeds. Then for some reason over the years I was drawn out of my comfortable seat and made to speak in front of teams and travel around the globe. It made my stomach twist and turn every time I spoke to people. Surprisingly over time it got easier and then I actually liked it. So twisted!

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.”

Even while I was doing my own thing and living life I was being molded behind my back. Ugh that’s not what I wanted to hear.

“You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you.”

Every fiber of me wants to do the opposite and go back to way of doing things. That image of what my life was. Until it hits me that life can’t be. It can never be exactly as it was, Andy is gone. He was my light in the darkness.

A guy named Jeremiah in the bible didn’t want to do what God wanted, he even thought he was too young and inexperienced for the job. Sigh..that’s me! I am not cut out for so many kids. My ears hurt and my heart hurts. That office job and its air conditioning really does sound awesome right now. I know that world. 

“Your wound is incurable, your injury beyond healing.. But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds.”

Oh what comfort that is. My mind and heart have been feeling that over and over that this wound will never heal. I will wear this pain for years and it is forever a part of me.

“In the days to come you will understand this.”

How is it possible for words written a bazillion years ago can apply to my situation so perfectly. What’s crazy is another person in the world can be feeling the same exact way and/or read the same verses and see nothing. How can a book be written that is so alive! It hurts my brain to even try and dispute it. I have been beaten, broken, and worn down to the point where I can’t even try to fight it anymore. To top it all off the author of the book Lamentations was written by Jeremiah! Seriously, my favorite book of the bible that I get so much comfort from was written by Jeremiah too!

Today I went to the boys and girls club and as usual was awkward as hell around all the kids. It took hours before it turned around and I ended up being accepted again by the kids. This warm up period is driving me crazy. My heart aches for the boy named Eden. He has such anger issues and has no idea how to control them. The other kids are afraid of him and don’t like him because he is so mean. He wants to be nice I can tell but he doesn’t know how to take the high road and to just breathe when he is upset. He’s seriously going to hurt someone someday. I just have to remember, Ant Power. The sermon from an online church I watched Sunday…to be diligent and consistent. Every day get up and suck up my own problems and desires and show up for kids like Eden. A tedious job that doesn’t pay financially, it hurts mentally, and it’s hot. All this just for those few minutes alone with a boy to try and give him tips to control his anger. Small steps can add up to more…if ants can be diligent as they consistently bite and irritate me then I can try to be just as stubborn.

 

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

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