• sarah@healingeyes.org

Realizing my life isn’t mine anymore

Realizing my life isn’t mine anymore

As much as I fight for control it seems I am powerless. On that day many months ago when I hit what I thought was bottom and cried for God to take my life it seems he took me seriously.
I see glimpses of my life in dreams at night. I walk the day in a fog of reality and memories.
Fighting back the urge to sink deeper into my grief. Deeper into remembering Andy and fantasizing he’s alive. In truth he is gone…he is living a life somewhere I cannot go…what seems like eternity to me is just a blink of the eye for him.
Trapped to walk this earth longing for him and finding contentment no where. I seek and seek for peace but it comes not. No man can ever live up to the memories of Andy. The love of Andy. The friendship of Andy. Oh sweet God take it all away. Let me forget the small moments with Andy and the dogs. Torment me no more with visions of my past that have a hold on my heart.

I am staring at myself sitting in a chair. The mirror reflects a woman cosmetically altering her appearance to feel ‘normal’ again.
All around others are driven by money to be happy. I miss thinking money was enough. This fake person in front of me is broken…no amount of beauty treatments and spa trips will mend me.
Why did my eyes have to be pried open with grief.
The steps of grief are many and I laugh at how we quantify them in articles and books. Grief is the killer of souls. It rips out your spirit and leaves you cold and shivering in the corner.
The shadow world of memories cannot live amongst the light.

Give me strength for I am weak.
Give me light for I sit in darkness.
Give me peace or I shall wither.
Guide my steps and decide for me for I am confused amongst all the reminders of my past.

Lest I forget that moment I agreed to Go…let me never forget the call. Gently pull me .. Gently hold me … Do not break me any more.

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

2 Comments so far

Penny LanePosted on  12:49 am - Aug 14, 2014

I was thinking about you and wondering where you had been. You ok there mate? X

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