• sarah@healingeyes.org

Bittersweet return

Bittersweet return

My heart is torn paper. Ripped to pieces and written with tears.
Oh God why do you torment me.
Why do I gasp for air.
Let it end. Give back light to my eyes.

I have returned to the island after a mini vacation and self discovery tour of loss.
I spent time with a dear friend who loves me and the memory of Andy.
I saw my dogs and sister in law and I thank God for that opportunity.
I kayaked with my daddy and quacked at ducks on a picturesque river in Michigan. Saw turtles sun bathing and remembered a time when Andy was alive.
I biked on my beloved road bike.
I chatted with a supporter and shared my testimony with her and gained encouragement from that chat.
Lunch with my past boss/mentor who helped mold me into a more confident person and gave me the self confidence I have because of his leadership. He knows I am determined and stubborn.
I saw my crazy opinionated friend who tells it as it is and laughed a lot.
I saw my old house and the street I called home what seems forever Ago.
Each time I see it I am reminded you can’t go back home when it’s gone. Not as it was at least.

I was reminded how vacations are not the same without Andy and faced pain of memories dredged up by that.
Even though I look high and low for Andy he is gone. He is not where I left him.
I saw a therapist and he said I must let go in time. Some day I’ll smile again and the guilt will lessen. Look out for my heart and grieve but let God heal me. Everything done was done because it was the right thing at the time based on what I knew. I can’t go back and change it.

Let it be….

I am back…I am sad…I am alone. My flights home I sat alone, no one beside me oddly. God was protecting me or perhaps isolating me in my grief.

My rent is due in a week and I’m $300 short so far. It is amazing to see how after PayPal was emptied last month that it did recoup some of the loss. Thank you to all who have helped and thank you for your prayers. I pray for discernment and ways to touch others hearts thru this blog in order to persevere.

The clubs After school programs start in a week. This week I have time for reflection and grieving. Time to work on doubts and fears. Above all I fear loneliness and humiliation. Pray I can gain peace in my path and see light in my choice to live on crazy faith.
To think I could have a chance loving kids and breaking past that pain of being barren and widowed.

“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord. “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. (‭Isaiah‬ ‭54‬:‭1-2‬ NIV)

Tell my heart to beat again.

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Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

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