• sarah@healingeyes.org

Choices in grief

Choices in grief

Life is full of choices and decisions to live. Those who have experienced great loss can choose to live in that past or be bound by the chains of grief. There are times when those chains serve a purpose, forcing us to face the evil face of grief and cry those tears loss. Then there are times to accept what loss has done to us and be strong. When our strength fails it’s time to rely on other people, let go of our pride and humble ourselves before others and show our vulnerabilities.

Today I experienced all of those feelings and by the end I went so dark into the pit of despair that I feared I would suffocate. But then I took the life line God was throwing at me, he forced me to see my weakness and do something I stubbornly fight against. I reached out to other people for help, I cried out in my pain for a ear to listen to the guilt I carry. God knew my burden was too much for this frail heart to take and he sent me angels today. So many voices today gave me hope and insight into the web of guilt I have choked on. I have learned that in my solitude I am twisting my thoughts into a tiny little prison of guilt. For a moment I broke free in talking to others and seeking help from my therapist. I am weak, I know many think I am strong for flipping my life upside down but I am so frail.

My most precious moment today was when on my second day helping at the Boys and Girls club I saw this look in the kids eyes as they opened up to me. It was madness all around, me and 15 kids with severe A.D.D., and I was teaching them. ‘Miss Sarah, Miss Sarah, help me with this or can I go to the bathroom, I’m thirsty, help me next, help me’. It’s hot and the mosquitos are hungry and I have these 3rd and 4th graders looking to me for guidance. At that moment I wished I could clone myself because I am darting here and there trying to help each kid, frustrated when I had to leave the behaved ones to read on their own. One boy who was working so hard on his homework, quietly, comes to me for help a couple times but each time another kid interrupts. My heart! My heart aches! Why for so many years did Andy and me hide from children, why did we harden our hearts? Kids surrounded me today and I saw how hungry they were for knowledge. They are so far behind in comprehending words and I am just making up ideas on the fly to reach them. The staff today even saw me use discipline and assertiveness to keep the kids attention, I got a thumbs up from one of the teachers. I got on bended knee with one boy in the library and explained how important it is to understand what he reads and not just race through a book. He looked at me, he looked at me with an eagerness to try!

Assembly at Boys and Girls Club

Assembly at Boys and Girls Club

I think of Andy and I smile because he has to be laughing his ass off at this. Me of all people, working with children and adults, instead of hiding behind a computer in an office. Oh Andy, I wish you were here to change with me, that your heart could be healed like this. Andy you would have made a great father. Perhaps you got your wish and are in heaven taking care of little Hope.

Angel Fruit Cake, Andy's Favorite

Angel Fruit Cake, Andy’s Favorite

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

4 Comments so far

amandaPosted on  10:36 am - Sep 4, 2014

Sarah… You look alive and full of light …there’s a happiness in your eyes ! So happy for you !!!

Cindy SmithPosted on  12:48 pm - Sep 4, 2014

so glad you are reaching out Sarah!
thanks for giving these kids the attention and love they need 🙂 God is reaching them thru you!

    SarahAndyJourneyPosted on  1:43 pm - Sep 4, 2014

    Ya or God is teaching me a lesson with crazy kids fighting for attention:)
    In 4 hours I go back and see which kid did there homework hehe

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