• sarah@healingeyes.org

Empty and numb

Empty and numb

For the first time I have no desire to blog…to share anything…to even go on with this stupid journey. How ludicrous to move to an island where all it does is isolate you more. People come and go and then there is no one…it gets dark early and the electricity is too pricey to use. So I sit in darkness, the light reflects off the walls at least on a full moon. I have one stuffed animal, Olaf, to hold me back at night. No arms to hold me…they were taken away. God’s arms seem so invisible that I can’t even feel them. Break me no more dark grief. Break me no more broken world. 

Others have opinions on how to cope.

Yet I still remain alone. You appreciate what you have when it’s gone. I even miss those damn chemotherapy visits and pointless doctor appointments. The midnight runs to the Emergency room. The lack of affection from Andy when I lost him before he died. I would take anything if only to see him again, to talk to him!

All is meaningless under the sun.

Even the serving at the Boys and Girls Club today felt empty. The kids kept fighting my authority, all of them yell and misbehave, there is no structure or respect for authority there. The kids that need the attention sit quietly but the misbehaving ones steal it all away. The older kids disrupt the classes and its understaffed. The only positive was the meeting I pulled together with the Director on ideas to reign in the chaos. I again am placed in a ‘mediator’ role and at least in that I feel some of my old self coming back. I know I can at least give the ‘soft spoken’ and stern approach to leading. If one of God’s gift to me is Leadership than I’ll take it. Through my quiet spirit God will use me but it is draining. So many emotions pulling at me right now and in the midst I have grief and loss. I don’t want to be a victim but its easy to feel sorry for myself.

I am angry! Damn it! and I miss Andy’s cooking ha!

 

IMG_1525.JPG

IMG_1529.JPG

IMG_1530.JPG

IMG_1526.JPG

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: