• sarah@healingeyes.org

A look back and a Stove

A look back and a Stove

It would be nice to say I have moved on and learned to deal with grief and loss.

it would be nice to say it does get better over time.

It would be nice to say that I don’t miss how I used to live.

It would be nice to say only good things about how wonderful the kids are and how they are touching my heart…that they fill the void of losing a husband.

It would be nice…

But let’s be honest, as I try to be transparent and honest on this blog, grief sucks and the upcoming 1 year anniversary of Andy dying really stings. Giving up my belongings, my house, my cars, and even my puppies to move to an island to show love on other’s people’s kids makes it all worth it. Can I sound anymore disgruntled and bitter? I could but then what would that solve? Would it bring Andy back? Would it allow me to go back and get a ‘normal’ job and buy a house? I am now on a path that I can’t turn back from. Maybe over time I can get a bit of it back but really no matter how I look at it that life is gone. My mind can keep playing it over in my head how it could be different but the same. Nope it’s gone. I made the switch from blogging about grief and widowhood in order to change the direction to the mission. Truthfully you can’t really separate the two, the one made the new path. Now crazy part…can a stove really break a person? Yes, I mean a STOVE. A minor convenience of a house but can it cause a person to change paths in order to have it back.

Some of you may not know but I moved and now I can’t cook my comfort food, I am cutting back in order to last longer for the kids. If I can save a dollar here and there in order to stay through the school year than the Stove must go. Warm and gooey tuna casserole, delicious lasagna, oh a spicy chicken rice bake. I miss my remodeled kitchen that Andy and I made together, its beautiful tile backsplash and quartz countertop hand laid with love. The fake slate linoleum flooring we sweat over while pushing out each air bubble so it was perfect. The piddle spots from the dogs. Or that time when I was on the phone talking to his palliative care doctor about the meds and they were all scattered on the countertop while Andy was passed out in the other room.

I’m told it’s bad to relive the past memories, drudging them back up is a set back.

I miss my STOVE and Andy hugging me while cooking.

Sometimes its not the inconvenience of not having something, or the complaining of missing something that’s the root of the problem. It’s the memory of what is gone and can never be as it was. Stove or no Stove, Food or no food, that one year mark is fast approaching.

Healing Eyes
Healing Eyes

2 Comments so far

Jessica W.Posted on  8:24 pm - Dec 8, 2014

Sarah, I don’t have any profound things to say, only that I am so sorry for the pain of losing Andy. So very sorry. Praying for you today!

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