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Author Archives: Healing Eyes

Exhausted in Africa

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I apologize .. I radhi (in Swahili)… But I’m exhausted in Africa!

photos are on my Facebook page called healing eyes. Like it and see more 🙂

Healing Eyes

Arriving in London

As I arrived to the London Airport I looked at the night sky and all the lights shining. I remembered a year ago when I was last here. When Andy was in the hospital awaiting test results.
A liquid river sliced through the ground. My heart felt a great sadness of realization.
I can’t change my past and I can’t feel joy like I used to.
The innocent jitters of excitement in the stomach in anticipation of a new adventure. New sites.
It’s all been robbed of me.
In one moment a year ago I was robbed of joy.
I said goodbye to my husband long before his body failed.

I said goodbye to his body when his spirit was frail.
He looked at me with eyes so dim.
He looked at me with love and defeat.
I feel no joy in this adventure I am on…Andy took that with him to the grave.

I am here to serve for whatever that is worth. ..
I am here to see for whatever that is worth…
My heart is not here today…I lost it a year ago when the lights went out .. that snowy dark night.

Healing Eyes

Will Africa expose something?

Soon I will be getting on a plane again and this time traveling to a country beyond my experiences so far. It has been on my list of places to discover and now I’ll be serving there for 2 and half weeks alongside another Non-Profit.

It has been a hard two weeks with the holidays and facing memories left dormant from when he passed away. Each time I pull at the wound and discover new things about myself. Now I leave again and without a clear direction or what to expect. My internet connection will be limited and so blog posts may decrease but rest assured when I get back I am sure something will be different in me again. What I do with that is a huge unknown but at least I would have listened to a dream in me. A dream to travel and explore, to see how others live, and how others cope. This world is vast and not everyone lives the so called ‘comfortable’ life. Can I survive in such an environment? Only one way to find out….and that is to Go!

Healing Eyes

Your Constant Companion

Healing Eyes

What does it all mean?

What is Healing Eyes Plan now that it has more real ties to being a Non-Profit?

Well My time at St. Croix is not over, even though I am heading to Africa for a short mission trip. In february I will return and continue volunteering at Lighthouse Missions until the School year is over in June. So that is 5 more months in the field serving children. Which means money raised will help support rent and fun outings and crafts for the girls I mentor. With the company now having real obligations that are in paper it is apparently more real this all becomes.

With change comes more paperwork it seems. I am beginning to see why people don’t really chose to go this route in a career. Now I am faced with overwhelming IRS paperwork of payroll and then having the Board approve a meager salary for me to keep serving others. What makes it hard to seem conceivable is right now I have no funds in the official company account to even imagine asking for a salary to keep me afloat. How can I plan for and ask for something that isn’t there and seems impossible? Even if I throw a budget out of $400/mo rent payment and then triple it so that the remainder of the funds go to encouraging the kids. Just like my mission statement says, “Help the impoverished and neglected children in at risk communities…”.

So the funds need to go to help the kids but also help me help them. How do I even do the paperwork for that with the IRS?

This blog might seem a bit whiney today…and confusing..perhaps it can show my fear. MY PURE FEAR of the unknown!

Yes I need to raise funds and I’m guessing $2000 for rent and then triple it for a grand total of $6000 in order to be on the right track with the IRS. Maybe I am worrying for nothing…if I ever find a CPA to give me advice or if the pattern of what normally happens continues. Where I sit back and then God takes care of it..but that can only work so far! I magically got medicaid for health insurance but I can’t just magically get a CPA that is free or magically get a salary from an Empty bank account.

Healing Eyes

Delicate Flower in need of Watering

I’m not gonna lie..I’m feeling stupid, a bit silly, and entirely vulnerable.

Why?

I got a ‘grief’ booklet from the funeral home I used for Andy’s funeral one year ago in the mail. I proceeded to read it and each item in it was true to where I am right now. Except the part where I went off and started a Non-Profit and tossed being safe out the window. Although maybe that was one of the symptoms of grief in the booklet..come to think of it. So perhaps I am not that ‘abnormal’.

After a hurricane what do you do?

Pick up the pieces!

Help bring some sanity to this delicate little widow (cough cough dear friend who called me a ‘delicate flower’ in need of help) who went out on a limb and started a Non-Profit to help other people. Yes I am in the business to make NO profit and at the same time SERVE others in pain. Yup…it still sounds insane when I say it outloud.

If anything you can get a tax write off before 2014 is over?!
That has to be worth something:) !

Donate Button with Credit Cards

A 501c(3) Non-Profit. Receipts will be mailed to you for tax write-offs.

Healing Eyes

DAY 362 (2014)

Healing Eyes

Dive 299: In Tribute to My Friend Ivy

Healing Eyes

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Healing Eyes

Peace or turmoil

The longer I remain in the old world…the stronger the pull to live in it again.

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Often I feel guilty for living at a slower pace and not relying on only my strength…my wits…my choices. How easy it would be to turn back to taking control. I have a list already in my head of what I would do and what I would seek.

The big question is will it be best to do MY will or the invisible friend’s will?

The ‘invisible friend’s’ will is far from easy and sounds the most impractical, imbalanced, unbelievable, and unthinkable path to take. If I lay it out logically it will involve this:

  • Using all of my savings account to sustain myself until the non-profit gets on its feet to support a salary.
  • Living simpler and not buying luxuries…such as a couch or anything that takes up space.
  • Putting myself out there and looking pathetic begging for donations.
  • Nights of frustration not knowing who to beg for money.
  • Humbling myself by accepting help.
  • Public speaking.
  • Travel
  • Solitude
  • Minimal electricity and abundance of options at a supermarket.
  • No nesting and uncertainty overshadowing my thoughts.

If I decide to continue and make it past the next week in Michigan and arrive in Africa I risk the possibility of seeing what most don’t want to see. Already St. Croix opened my eyes to something else in life, what will Africa do?

Is it true that when you are the edge of greatness that is when all around you begins to crumble and that safe patch of grass on the other side looks all that more appealing?

“If you live in this way, you will do less but accomplish far more. Your unhurried pace of living will stand out in this rush crazed age. Some people may deem you lazy, but many more will be blessed by your peacefulness. Walk in the Light and you will reflect the watching world.” – Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

Healing Eyes