• sarah@healingeyes.org

Author Archives: Healing Eyes

Dive 299: In Tribute to My Friend Ivy

Healing Eyes


Healing Eyes

Peace or turmoil

The longer I remain in the old world…the stronger the pull to live in it again.


Often I feel guilty for living at a slower pace and not relying on only my strength…my wits…my choices. How easy it would be to turn back to taking control. I have a list already in my head of what I would do and what I would seek.

The big question is will it be best to do MY will or the invisible friend’s will?

The ‘invisible friend’s’ will is far from easy and sounds the most impractical, imbalanced, unbelievable, and unthinkable path to take. If I lay it out logically it will involve this:

  • Using all of my savings account to sustain myself until the non-profit gets on its feet to support a salary.
  • Living simpler and not buying luxuries…such as a couch or anything that takes up space.
  • Putting myself out there and looking pathetic begging for donations.
  • Nights of frustration not knowing who to beg for money.
  • Humbling myself by accepting help.
  • Public speaking.
  • Travel
  • Solitude
  • Minimal electricity and abundance of options at a supermarket.
  • No nesting and uncertainty overshadowing my thoughts.

If I decide to continue and make it past the next week in Michigan and arrive in Africa I risk the possibility of seeing what most don’t want to see. Already St. Croix opened my eyes to something else in life, what will Africa do?

Is it true that when you are the edge of greatness that is when all around you begins to crumble and that safe patch of grass on the other side looks all that more appealing?

“If you live in this way, you will do less but accomplish far more. Your unhurried pace of living will stand out in this rush crazed age. Some people may deem you lazy, but many more will be blessed by your peacefulness. Walk in the Light and you will reflect the watching world.” – Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

Healing Eyes

Saying Goodbye…for now

I cry…
I smile…
I worry ..

About the kids I’m saying good bye to for a month and half.

Thursday we made Christmas cards that I pulled together last minute. Trying to think of a fun craft that was more than coloring a print off. I wanted the girls to be creative and get gluey fingers haha.
I was running between desks cutting pipe cleaners, punching holes, and flying cotton for snow.

Does this all make a difference? Really?

My favorite girl that reminds me of me was sassy and also loving during class. She came because I told her mom I had a special treat. The French truffles for her to experience. She at first turned her nose up but then she came around and loved it. She is sooo like me lol.

Before class she pulled me aside and asked if I would taker her out after class one more time before I left. She said it was out last chance before I flew out. Normally she doesn’t like goodbyes but this time she was facing it head on by trying to squeak out more time with me.

I gave in of course.

I picked her up in the projects at night. And contrary to beliefs there was no gunfire or drugs, that I could see, when I drove in with my jeep. I did stick out though and a couple guys peered at me but didn’t do anything.

We want to see a movie and she brought her little cousin with. He annoyed her by talking too much. I need to work on her temper.
When I dropped her off I begged for a hug goodbye and she gladly gave me one. Normally she doesn’t do goodbyes. This time she did …

I cry..
I smile…
I wait..

For what’s next.
Non profit ?
How will it all come together ?

I am so uncomfortable not having control!!!!

Yet all I can think of is a sassy, stubborn, little girl who might be missing me.

Healing Eyes

Chocolate from France oh lala

Forgive me readers but today I am a bit under the weather. Since Monday not much has happened and not many kids have been coming to the Lighthouse for after school. Bit disappointing since I have an amazing treat to share with them from France. A couple of the girls got to taste a bit yesterday but the one girl I really want to give the candy to hasn’t shown up yet. Hopeful she comes tomorrow, the last day of class before Christmas break.

The treat is chocolate truffles straight from Strasbourg France. I asked an old colleague/friend to mail some from my favorite chocolate store since one of my girls didn’t know what a Truffle was. As you can see they really liked them!

photo 4 (2) photo 2 (5)

Healing Eyes

Christmas Party at Lighthouse Missions

Healing Eyes

An Anniversary of Life

The heart breaks again today…the anniversary of a death. The one moment in life where everything stood still amidst the crumbling walls around me. December 15th was the longest day of my life a moment I will forever ask Why. We seem to cling to ‘anniversaries’ of time and yet time is fleeting. It’s been a year and today the sky cries with me. The dark clouds are coming in from the east and shedding silent tears overhead… Tears are meaningful and yet we hide them to help others arounds suffer less. No more will I hide the tears, today is a day of transparency. The mountains are shrouded in darkness and yet the sun is awaiting its turn…patiently waiting to shine again. We grieve loss but we don’t die ourselves. We trudge on through the gloom because there is hope that one day we will meet again…

Some of my readers found this blog when it was called SarahAndyAdoption…Some of you when it became SarahAndyCancer…and now it is called HealingEyes. It started with hope of a ‘new life‘, interrupted by ‘reality‘, and now it is again about ‘Hope for a New Life‘.

Andy you left at 10:03pm on December 15, 2013…but the story continues.
You never left a legacy behind in the shape of a child but you have left a legacy behind of a transformed life.
Even in your last minutes you relented and found peace with God… and me.

Now a new life begins and never fear Andy I am not alone. I have been surrounded by children…a life we never could have…you would be amazed to see who I am today. Tomorrow may come without you and though I may shed wild tears for you I know you are smiling down at me as a child wraps their arms around my waist and says I missed you Miss Sarah. Perhaps its a bit of you left behind to comfort me.


Healing Eyes

Filling up fast

Fighting the genera feel of ‘ick’ today. But when I see others taking notice of what I am trying to do with the non-profit it makes me smiles. Raises my spirits a little bit.

Yesterday I picked up my first donation from a mother down in the projects. Awesome lady who just spoke Spanish but we managed. She had a huge box of clothes to donate for the Africa Mission Trip. So now I almost have my entire container full, which makes we worried a bit if I get anymore donations while on the island, since I only have 1 free checked bag. If anyone wants to donate for the Africa trip I can purchase items in Michigan with help from others. Out of Chicago I can check 2 bags for free! Contact me to help. I also still need help financially for the trip if that’s an option for anyone.  and PRAY I don’t get sick during travel this time.

photo 2 (4)

My packing has begun to downsize a bit in order to spare the other container I used to move down here. Which means I now have to get my belongings into just one container before I leave island for a month. It’s good to not have a lot of ‘stuff’. Which makes Christmas time a bit harder this year because I don’t really want anything physical. What would be great is to see more supporters join in this story, help finding a CPA or bookkeeper for the non-profit, and more prayer for the coming months of unknowns. Donations for the kids on St. Croix would be awesome for when I return in February too. I don’t know how this Africa trip in January will shed light on next steps but I hope it leads me to where I am to go next and how to pull this crazy faith walk off.

Serve others and live simply. Cute Video I took at Lighthouse Missions with one of the Girls.

Healing Eyes

Patience can pay off

What if you had no voice?
What would you do?

What if you had a voice but no one heard you?
What would you do?

What if you were too scared to talk?
How would you cope?

There is a little girl who started this year who won’t talk. When she does it’s barely a whisper and a squeak. Yesterday was so cute though since she squeaked a lot. She really likes making rubber band bracelets but is sad when she can’t keep the one she makes, I almost want to break the rule and let her so she smiles. At the end of class on this day I was hurrying to finish the last polar bear snowmen when I was asked to go over to her class and see why she wouldn’t leave with the other kids. She was sitting politely at her little table all alone with her head hung low. I kneeled down and asked what was wrong and she squeaked madly and pointed at her pages and pages of homework not completed. I patiently tried to calm her down and began working on the math problems with her. I got her to say the numbers as we added them! In between squeaks of course. Each day she gets bolder…it won’t be long before she talks all the time. Sometimes we just need patience and perseverance to be heard.

Healing Eyes

To that ONE widow

Widows you may not realize this but you are stronger than you think. There will be those dark nights and dark early mornings where you feel all is lost. Your heart will physically ache and you will clutch your heart and ask why keep going. The tears will just start flowing and you’ll look up to the ceiling and memories will flood in…you used to have someone next to you to hold you when you cried. Your mind will turn dark and you may think of doing something thinking it will end that pain. It’s going to be ok though. Just OK though ha. If you are facing a milestone in your grief soon, 6 months, 1 year, 5 year marker, whatever number it is…you have strength inside you didn’t even know was there.  This morning I made myself get up and jog (this is a milestone in itself as when your depressed you do not run) after getting an amazing email from a friend. It was as if in my darkest hour at around 3am God decided to throw me a hand and remind me ‘everything is under control’. Just like earlier with my Jeep and the out of the blue donation to fix it.

It’s in those darkest hours where you find helpstrength you never knew was there. Now even if you don’t believe the God thing and all that religious stuff there is SOMETHING in you that is keeping you alive. There is a widow story in the bible about being persistent and asking over and over for something and eventually the person will give in to the widow. Maybe it is not JUST about the NEED the widow has but it is showing the underlying strength and perseverance the ‘widow’ has. Great Loss Sucks! Grief sucks! But something happens after that awakens you…just don’t give up…if it’s that ONE widow reading this today that feels as if the world under her feet is caving, that her heart is literally breaking…it’s going to be ok and someday maybe your heart won’t feel crushed.

Now to that email. One of my supporters back in Michigan sent me a delightful email this morning about a door opening on a possible connection with a church I know there. This has been a door closed for almost 8 months, it cracked open a few times but quickly shut again. She shared how she prayed on an opportunity and that she was given it on a silver plate one day and overwhelmed by the response. Maybe it is true if you just Ask for something and don’t give up after the first denial you might be pleasantly surprised. I want to go into more detail but I have to rush to get my laundry together for my friend who is amazing and does it for free for me. Yes I did have to swallow my pride a bit for that but hey Free Laundry and maybe folding!

So stay tuned for more…I hope:)

And you that ONE WIDOW reading this… You are going to be ok! just might suck for a bit… contact me if you need a shoulder to cry on.

Healing Eyes