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Author Archives: Healing Eyes

Wanna build a snowman?

Flying over the ocean and over the horizon is MY island. It felt different returning again. This time it will be for 4 weeks and then Christmas break. How do I feel?

  • Exhausted
  • Mediocre
  • Sad

But I have a new friend for Olaf, it’s Christmas Olaf! My boyfriend’s attempt to encourage me to not be a Christmas Scrooge and give xmas spirit a chance. I still say BaHumBug but maybe slightly kinda excited to see what it could be like to enjoy it again. 1 year after Andy died…Smile for Andy’s sake.

Christmas Olaf to try and make me like Xmas

Christmas Olaf to try and make me like Xmas

I am back to my solitude and ‘faith‘ journey. While in Michigan I was blessed to talk at Gaines Church, also met with some friends from Ada Bible Church while eating PANERA. Met with my board members to talk about fundraising and laugh about how crazy it is to be starting a non-profit. Hired my lawyer to write my Bylaws. Lastly, bought some kids supplies for the..well..kids of course. First trip where I bought stuff for others and not me. All in all it was a successful trip ministry wise.

For my journey as a ‘widow’ I am going to start not calling myself that so much and instead consider that as a ‘time’ in my life that got me to this point. Yes it defined me for a bit but now, I have to move on while still loving the memories of Andy. I need to try living and finding happiness. So I did that by dating my boyfriend and talking about life and stuff and giggling and being silly together. Attempted being care free a bit and to NOT feel guilty for smiling. Built a snowman, although a very small and pathetic one, still a snowman! Small steps towards seeing what happiness can be after death.

Two very small ones...but I tried. It was cold!!

Two very small ones…but I tried. It was cold!!

Fundraising

Last but not least.. A friend is selling Poinsettias for Christmas and some of the money goes towards helping my mission out. Currently I am volunteering at Lighthouse Missions and planning a trip to Africa in January for 2 weeks. Money raised will help me fund this life of mine. Sorry, only available to Michigan folks. If your interested this is more info Poinsettia Sale 2014

Healing Eyes

Moving on…can’t stay

It’s hard sometimes when occasionally I miss ‘normalcy’ and privacy. A bit of a life left behind 11 months and 3 days ago. A life long gone and when the snow falls outside I see glimpses of what was. When the snow would fall and the puppies would frolic in the fresh snow while Andy and I chased after each other in our backyard. Gone forever. It’s easy to see others and envy what they have but then in turn they envy what you have. Why is that?

The Snow falls heavy today and back on the island the sun shines bright. Soon I’ll go back to life there and share more stories of the kids and plans ahead. While back here in Michigan the snow will fall on the life I once had, the ground he used to walk on, the air he used to breathe. Gone now but not forgotten. It will be ok because the snow makes things fresh and new.

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I go back with more readers and hopefully more direction after my first public speaking gig at Gaines Church. Draining reliving the past and saying it out loud for all to hear in person. This can’t be a solitary mission..I need others to come along and walk alongside sharing what they can to make a difference. To spread the ‘flavor’ of love to those in need. Share kindness and love to the littlest ones on a far off island in the sun so that someday when they grow old they can remember what it means to love amidst suffering.

In a month and a half I will see lives in another world and perhaps see a glimpse of what is next after St. Croix. What stories I’ll have to tell then…and what opportunities others can have to help a little smile far away. Keep going…Keep trying…even if it is seems impossible.

Healing Eyes

Release The Fear

Healing Eyes

In The Blink of an Eye

In a blink my life changes from busyness to peace. It’s easy to fight the gift of peace after a storm.
I must sloooow down!
Andy is gone, in a blink my life changed. Embrace it!

Healing Eyes

Timing is everything

Tomorrow I fly back to Michigan for two weeks reprieve from my solitude. Visiting friends and family. Someone very close to me who I dare admit I’m dating … eek!

Can a widow date? I guess so but it’s scarey. I still feel married and attached To memories of Andy. To live in the now and not in the past. Soooo hard. One day at a time.

Today at the lighthouse the kids were loving.

One of my girl’s was in a super good mood and showed up with a huge smile. She had brought back the journal I gave her the other day after taking her home from the beach. She was sad and scared to be home alone and so I gave her my journal and told her to write about today and draw pictures in it. Instead of just watching TV. It was all I could think of as a last-minute idea to cheer her up. At the same time my heart hurt for having to leave her alone at her house.

When she showed me first thing that journal and said she wrote in it I was so uplifted. The story she wrote in it made tears fill my eyes. She wrote about our day at the beach and about how she had so much fun. The first sentence read, “miss Sarah was so nice”.

I told her I was Proud of her even though she was embarrassed to have me read it. Her whole face was so different today. It’s amazing how a day at the beach outside of a structured program could make such a difference.  Timing is everything.

She was sad I was leaving for two weeks and said I have to come back. I told her I had to go in order to try and raise support to keep helping her. That I am trying to live by sharing my story and get donations. She listened intently. I figure I’ll be honest with her and let her know how I am able to live here…good real life example of living beyond normal. I am concerned about fundraising as i have been unsuccessful so far but more doors are opening sooo I’m hopeful.

Continued prayer needed for support and opportunities to serve.

Healing Eyes

Why ??

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My therapist told me, “that ‘was’ your life and now you can either live in the past or keep letting it ruin your present and future”. Ugh!!! I cry for other widows today.
Stuck in my own grief thinking I am alone but so many other woman out there are suffering today. Anyone that prays…take a moment and think of all the broken hearts out there..all the lost dreams and lost lives…the lost hugs of a soul mate…forever gone. Pray for peace in their hearts, that today will be a day to NOT cry but smile at the memories of the past. Looking forward to the future and what life can be like with the second attempt at living. Let them not be consumed by the darkness that creeps in at night when we realize no more is their love waiting for them. Instead they can smile knowing the pain is gone from their bodies, they are free from this world and experiencing a life we can only dream of.

Healing Eyes

Finding A Passion and Purpose by Kim Trumbo

Healing Eyes

The “D” Word, An Impolite Reality

Love this! I use the D word a lot and I always get crazy looks. But the fact is my husband died he’s not coming back. He’s dead. It happens. Others shy away from it and are scared to say it but it not like he just passed away or fell asleep he’s really gone gone. It helps solidify it in my head.

Healing Eyes

Monday Night – Edge of the cliff

Healing Eyes

Why Don’t Mosquitoes Spread Ebola?

Prayers for my upcoming mission trip to Africa (far from the Eboli breakout)..but still prayer for safety and an open heart to connect with others.

Healing Eyes