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Author Archives: Healing Eyes

Lost Memory of my Husband

Sweet Andy 

Found a video from a year ago… God I miss your kiss!

Healing Eyes

Gone from me

I see emptiness where once was life…
I see nothingness where once was you…
Gone from my gaze
Taken in the night
Robbed of those dreams.

I feel death where once was life…
I feel loss where once was hope…

Gone from my touch
Taken from my grasp

My breath clings to your love.
I can’t ask why you had to leave me first
Why I had to love and let you go

I fall into the darkness
Bathing in the moonlight
The stars, as if tears of pain, dance on my skin
Morning won’t come until the darkness lifts

Breathe life into me
Mixed with yesterday and today
Grow me gently from this suffering.

I want you here song by ‘Plumb’…

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Healing Eyes

Dear Andy

Andy my best friend I miss you.

I miss you more today than yesterday…

Last night I had a terrible nightmare. I sleep on the futon now because it seems less sad than an empty bed with you not by my side. I woke thinking the power was out because it was pitch black and then I felt this presence that was evil. It felt like I was not alone in the room and then I closed my eyes hoping it would go away. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder and a creak on the futon as if someone was sitting on the arm rest. My eyes wouldn’t opened, it was as if they were sealed shut from exhaustion but I forced them awake because I was scared. I thought I heard your voice saying something to me but I don’t know what. Perhaps you were trying to comfort me as you used to. That it was only a dream and I was ok. It didn’t work, I only was more terrified by the after taste of that dream. I thought for sure I was not alone. I checked the doors to be sure they were locked and I looked over my shoulder constantly in case ‘it’ came back. I am not sure what’s worse, missing you constantly or sleeping alone.

So many new things to experience and fears to conquer. So many other woman out there right now experiencing the same loss, the same pains in the heart, the same gasps for breathe. Oh Andy, why are we torn apart…why am I left to walk without you.

There is hope…I cling to it..I search for it. 8 months and a few days since you left me, since I last said goodbye to you. Since I last heard your voice and felt your breathe. My sweet sweet Andy I know you are still here. You remind me from time to time that you are watching me. When I visited the dogs you placed a little reminder of your love for me to find. What would seem to be trash to others was a gift from you. The same purple 25 cent ring discarded in the trash after I awoke from cuddling with the pups, cuddling with you. When I saw that ring I smiled, you wanted me to see the dogs and find that ring again. The ring you used to propose to me in that college dorm room when we had nothing to our name. I didn’t care then that we had no money … no flashy ring for us … no we just needed our love. Years later when you surprised me with a new wedding ring You were so proud of it, our birthstones and a gorgeous diamond, you always treated me special. Perhaps that’s all we need in life, love, even if it hurts to say goodbye to it. Goodbye to my love. Goodbye to us. I would marry you all over again if you just asked.

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My little fighter and Love

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Priceless

Andy, today and yesterday were very odd days. I still don’t understand why I am here but you must be laughing when you see the people I hang out with now and what I am doing. So I got burned standing outside yesterday with my friend as his car was broken down on the side of the road. I experienced first hand how no one will stop to help based on appearances..but once you put me there you get a few more people willing to stop since I am a young woman. Then today I gave him a ride around town and then the power went out in Kmart and his plans to buy a new shirt for his trip were thwarted. He was so looking forward to making a good impression when he saw his family again back in the states. So we figured we better just get him to the airport asap before something else bad happens. Determined as he was we tried again to find a polo shirt and we were successful at last. Life is weird..very weird! But my friend is safe in the air now after 10 years apart from his family. I pray he has safe journeys and a loving homecoming.

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Success.. made it to the airport

 

 

 

Healing Eyes

Heart of Stone

Heart of Stone.

Healing Eyes

Gift from abroad

When it’s been 8 months since losing a part of yourself there will be days when you feel entombed in your body. Fear will grip you and tears will tear at your heart. You’ll pass out from loss. You’ll see a gorgeous day outside but realize it shines on a lonely heart. Not only do I grieve my soulmate but I grieve losing the companionship of a close friend.
I keep reading all these things about how widows will just ‘know’ when they are ready to date…to love again. I strongly dislike being in this category.
I don’t know what to feel half the time and I am frustrated by the waves of emotions that come with this path.

My bit of cheer came today after I forced myself to get out and walk to the mailbox. A friend in Japan had mailed me some candy and a cute note. Just like when Andy was sick but now it’s just me to receive. Death touches so many lives. It’s amazing how any of us still walk around each day. I know it’s not my strength that makes me function…it has to be someone bigger than myself. All I can do is give up trying to understand why it had to happen this way.

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Healing Eyes

Bittersweet return

My heart is torn paper. Ripped to pieces and written with tears.
Oh God why do you torment me.
Why do I gasp for air.
Let it end. Give back light to my eyes.

I have returned to the island after a mini vacation and self discovery tour of loss.
I spent time with a dear friend who loves me and the memory of Andy.
I saw my dogs and sister in law and I thank God for that opportunity.
I kayaked with my daddy and quacked at ducks on a picturesque river in Michigan. Saw turtles sun bathing and remembered a time when Andy was alive.
I biked on my beloved road bike.
I chatted with a supporter and shared my testimony with her and gained encouragement from that chat.
Lunch with my past boss/mentor who helped mold me into a more confident person and gave me the self confidence I have because of his leadership. He knows I am determined and stubborn.
I saw my crazy opinionated friend who tells it as it is and laughed a lot.
I saw my old house and the street I called home what seems forever Ago.
Each time I see it I am reminded you can’t go back home when it’s gone. Not as it was at least.

I was reminded how vacations are not the same without Andy and faced pain of memories dredged up by that.
Even though I look high and low for Andy he is gone. He is not where I left him.
I saw a therapist and he said I must let go in time. Some day I’ll smile again and the guilt will lessen. Look out for my heart and grieve but let God heal me. Everything done was done because it was the right thing at the time based on what I knew. I can’t go back and change it.

Let it be….

I am back…I am sad…I am alone. My flights home I sat alone, no one beside me oddly. God was protecting me or perhaps isolating me in my grief.

My rent is due in a week and I’m $300 short so far. It is amazing to see how after PayPal was emptied last month that it did recoup some of the loss. Thank you to all who have helped and thank you for your prayers. I pray for discernment and ways to touch others hearts thru this blog in order to persevere.

The clubs After school programs start in a week. This week I have time for reflection and grieving. Time to work on doubts and fears. Above all I fear loneliness and humiliation. Pray I can gain peace in my path and see light in my choice to live on crazy faith.
To think I could have a chance loving kids and breaking past that pain of being barren and widowed.

“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord. “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. (‭Isaiah‬ ‭54‬:‭1-2‬ NIV)

Tell my heart to beat again.

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Healing Eyes

Heart strings pulled

I’m on my way to see my dogs after 5 months apart. The second hardest thing to do after Andy died. I fear seeing them will break my heart again. But I miss them…they remind me of Andy and I need that. I need a piece of Andy back.
It’s a 2 week break before any after school program starts back up on the island. What if this is the time to go back to what I left behind and start over again.
Give up the island story and go back stateside.
My heart feels some peace in the states. Would I be giving up if I returned? Can two dogs be the straw that breaks my journey…

Am I not human to have doubts?!
Doubting my decisions. Second guessing every action I take.
Andy knew me well..he knew I regretted choices I made.

To hold my dogs for 2 days and say goodbye again. For how long this time do I go? Will my dogs understand me going away again?

I need prayer to know if I am to continue on. To give the island more time. To let my dogs down again.
I don’t have it all figured out … I am a wanderer looking for answers amidst grief.

Healing Eyes

Realizing my life isn’t mine anymore

As much as I fight for control it seems I am powerless. On that day many months ago when I hit what I thought was bottom and cried for God to take my life it seems he took me seriously.
I see glimpses of my life in dreams at night. I walk the day in a fog of reality and memories.
Fighting back the urge to sink deeper into my grief. Deeper into remembering Andy and fantasizing he’s alive. In truth he is gone…he is living a life somewhere I cannot go…what seems like eternity to me is just a blink of the eye for him.
Trapped to walk this earth longing for him and finding contentment no where. I seek and seek for peace but it comes not. No man can ever live up to the memories of Andy. The love of Andy. The friendship of Andy. Oh sweet God take it all away. Let me forget the small moments with Andy and the dogs. Torment me no more with visions of my past that have a hold on my heart.

I am staring at myself sitting in a chair. The mirror reflects a woman cosmetically altering her appearance to feel ‘normal’ again.
All around others are driven by money to be happy. I miss thinking money was enough. This fake person in front of me is broken…no amount of beauty treatments and spa trips will mend me.
Why did my eyes have to be pried open with grief.
The steps of grief are many and I laugh at how we quantify them in articles and books. Grief is the killer of souls. It rips out your spirit and leaves you cold and shivering in the corner.
The shadow world of memories cannot live amongst the light.

Give me strength for I am weak.
Give me light for I sit in darkness.
Give me peace or I shall wither.
Guide my steps and decide for me for I am confused amongst all the reminders of my past.

Lest I forget that moment I agreed to Go…let me never forget the call. Gently pull me .. Gently hold me … Do not break me any more.

Healing Eyes

Sick but not beaten

Yesterday I attended an all Black church downtown with my two friends. It was a rememberable time, more so because of the sermon. The music was a bit repetitive but it was loud and full of life which was a nice change.
The sermon was about giving up everything if God commands it. Letting go of precious belongings, enjoyable past times, and acting instead of just listening.

A commitment to Christ is proven during crisis. How we act under pressure speaks to our faith in the unseeable.

Ugh..am I living that life! Faith that I’ll be taken care of. Faith that giving up my material items will produce more than I can imagine. I miss biking and kayaking…I miss my job. I loved my job but it was something I had to let go of. I want to see what will happen and where I’ll be led to next. It’s kinda exciting not knowing what to expect each day.

Andy is gone and I mourn.
The puppies are not in my care and I weep for there companionship.
My house is gone and I miss the memories long gone.
My bike is far from me and I miss those long miles on straight trails.
My career is upside down and I miss the challenge it brought.
My body is weak from being sick since yesterday but it’s only temporary. A reminder that these bodies are temporary. We walk a cursed earth and we look around to acquire wealth and prosperity and a part of our souls are always longing for more.
In the end we die with nothing…Solomon wrote: everything is meaningless under the sun…what was done was done before.

Maybe we are in a constant loop of repetitiveness. There will always be poor and sick to care for. Enjoy food and wine. Love everyone and care for one another. Survive this earth until the true living begins.
Preparation for eternity … The gifts acquired here should come with us..and they aren’t stuff bought at a store.
Gift of compassion
Gift of love
Gift of serving
Gifts of suffering
Gifts of a child’s innocence..that perhaps can awaken in us what was long suppressed…eyes for the beauty all around and taking time to see, truly see!

I tried the giving in the offering plate at church. My last $5 dollar bill in my wallet. Had to walk all the way to the front of the church, in front of strangers to give it. The sermon also talked of the 2 widows in the bible. God provided for them at there darkest moments and they had faith. So the last time I gave I got care packages from a long lost friend in Michigan.
This time, last night, I got my favorite dinner from a new friend !! Chicken, potatoes and green beans!!! I love trusting.

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Healing Eyes

Boing Boing..Jump

My day wasn’t supposed to be all kids but it ended up being that way. I am floundering around and each day it seems I never know what will happen. Today I was with the kids at the club all day and we went to the beach for most of it. As usual I was awkward when I first arrived and shy around the kids.

The staff members talked to me more today, yay! I’m making progress in being accepted.

Then little ‘Happy Feet’ came by and she is so full of life. She has 3 names but today it was mainly Happy Feet. All day she was my little shadow, from bouncing around to being a fish she rode in the water, this little girl kept me jumping. By the end of the day she was tired and grumpy and laid on my lap crying. I taught her lessons on sharing food with others, being nice, how to work a camera, and finally she taught me love. There is a boat we have to take to the beach we bring them to and at the end of the day she got on the first boat back to the mainland while I was on the second. When I got off she was waiting for me, she was explaining to the staff member she was waiting for Miss Sarah and pointed at me. She said she loved me and missed me. As if I had been gone long since it’s just a 2 minute ride in the boat.

Whatever did I get myself into?

They have offered me a staff position when school starts, possibly teaching computers in the lab (it’s a tiny lab so nothing high end). Also seems I may have a graphic arts opportunity in creating a promo flyer for future donors. Today God has thrown more ideas at me and I am spinning. So many kids and I have no idea what to do.

Pray for discernment on this coming school year…it seems I have too many options on what to do.

 

Healing Eyes