• sarah@healingeyes.org

Author Archives: Healing Eyes

Blessings

God has told me THREE things I am sure of!

Live on the island to take time to heal
Help Kids to heal my wounds
Write a Book about my experience

In the midst of this he wants me to share how he works his magic for willing participants, such as I. Mini recap of my blog…my husband died from cancer and I then moved to an island to be a entrepreneur missionary or whatever label I end up using…

Today I prayed the prayer I only use cautiously because each time I say it something happens. “Bless me and expand my territory”. Now it seems to work when I really mean it so I am very very careful because he doesn’t hold back when I invite him in. 

I went to a new church today on the island that I kept hearing about. Of all days I go it was the day the kids run the show. Neat theory, sometimes they let the entire youth run the service. I’ll break down the blessings the best I can…it really is an organic experience that God weaves when he acts on a request.

  1. Small boy named Andy did a little standup comedy. Reminded me of my Andy the goof ball.
  2. Request for volunteers to help with the pre-school kids and they did it to the tune of ‘Let it Go’ from Frozen which I am learning on my Ukelele. Sometimes God is blatant in his signs. So yes I signed up to volunteer the first day I visit a church. The lady that runs the kids program I met the previous day on the beach too.
  3. Ran into another lady I met earlier on island and she opened up to be about there kids program where they tutor children one on one. I had been wanting to hear more about it before but she never opened up…this time she did. Obviously God nudged her.
  4. Got a free ride out to Buck island by the family that runs the kids programs, that I met yesterday at the beach, and that i talked to at church about volunteering. Coincidence? ha!  It’s hard to get rides out to Buck island so that was a nice little blessing from God.
  5. While on Buck island got to share my story about Andy and his illness. Which coincided with the fact that this family was going through some illness too. Coincidence? No.
  6. The Biggest blessing was this same lady knows a counselor and wait for it….she’s going to introduce me and I don’t have to worry about the cost. So when I was in Michigan the other week I was told to find a counselor on island and what happens? God weaves his way in and most likely has found one for me. I didn’t even have to do anything but WAIT on him. Sometimes I hate it when I am proven wrong and God shows off like this. Plus its so nice talking about Andy! Standing in the sun and water talking about my soulmate is so therapeutic.

So main theme! Be careful when you ask for something from God… he might throw a lot at you in one day! I’m sure I missed something but part of my deal with God is that when he does something I have to share it on my blog…even if I think no one cares or reads this. He gives and then I give back, I wonder if he’s my employer now? I worry about money and tomorrow but it’s kinda stupid to do since he is one step ahead of me….ugh how quickly I forget that. There is one thing he hasn’t broken my stubbornness on yet…if the day comes that he gets me waving my hands in the air during church you will know I am done for.

Note: today I woke up thinking I was going to a different beach but after church the beach got super sized by getting the free boat ride (normally its $75 to get out there). I set my expectations low and he delivered Abundance instead. Dang! Is this what an abundant life is like? Sure would be nice if it had cheaper food and long john donuts again but I’ll settle for a nice beach day.

Healing Eyes

Re-learning what I forgot

It’s becoming ever clear that each morning I have to RE-LEARN how to live without my husband. For instance, 13 years of my life I had legs but one day they started to decay from disease and then the doctors amputated them. I wake up in a dark place and with shock therapy am being told to learn to walk on prosthetics.

God is teaching me quite painfully how to re-learn everything I once did with Andy. Even breakfast is an opportunity to miss my legs.

I had eggs in the fridge but NO bread. A simple solution is to buy bread but it’s sooo far away and I have no motivation to get it. But I did it anyways and bought some carrots and bananas. So $16 later I can have an egg sandwich and some snacks for the week.
Lesson of the morning it’s easy to make an egg sandwich but it’s not easy to repeat it each morning. Just like it seems easy to walk around on your legs, you might take for granted, but when you have them but cut them off see how you approach each morning.

Last night I chose to fall asleep naturally (which took a long time) and my reward was dreams of Andy. Now that isn’t really a good thing since when you wake you realize, Damn I’m on an island still and Andy isn’t here. Then later in the night I hear him calling my name over and over, “Sarah, Sarah, Sarah”. It sounded so real that I tried to look around my room for him but he wasn’t there. A cold chill went through my heart since I again realized I am an amputee.

So now I have to learn to make it through another day and tonight the dreams will creep back in and taunt me with memories long gone. In the morning I’ll have to decide again whether it’s worth it to try and wobble around or dive back down to the darkness of grief, waiting to see what person wakes up.

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Cranberries, carrots, bananas Yay

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12 Grain Bread! Yes Healthier

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Discovering a new way to write online through ‘Medium’. Another way to expand to other writers out there I suppose, but it means maybe double posts.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this…

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Lost Memory of my Husband

Sweet Andy 

Found a video from a year ago… God I miss your kiss!

Healing Eyes

Gone from me

I see emptiness where once was life…
I see nothingness where once was you…
Gone from my gaze
Taken in the night
Robbed of those dreams.

I feel death where once was life…
I feel loss where once was hope…

Gone from my touch
Taken from my grasp

My breath clings to your love.
I can’t ask why you had to leave me first
Why I had to love and let you go

I fall into the darkness
Bathing in the moonlight
The stars, as if tears of pain, dance on my skin
Morning won’t come until the darkness lifts

Breathe life into me
Mixed with yesterday and today
Grow me gently from this suffering.

I want you here song by ‘Plumb’…

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Healing Eyes

Dear Andy

Andy my best friend I miss you.

I miss you more today than yesterday…

Last night I had a terrible nightmare. I sleep on the futon now because it seems less sad than an empty bed with you not by my side. I woke thinking the power was out because it was pitch black and then I felt this presence that was evil. It felt like I was not alone in the room and then I closed my eyes hoping it would go away. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder and a creak on the futon as if someone was sitting on the arm rest. My eyes wouldn’t opened, it was as if they were sealed shut from exhaustion but I forced them awake because I was scared. I thought I heard your voice saying something to me but I don’t know what. Perhaps you were trying to comfort me as you used to. That it was only a dream and I was ok. It didn’t work, I only was more terrified by the after taste of that dream. I thought for sure I was not alone. I checked the doors to be sure they were locked and I looked over my shoulder constantly in case ‘it’ came back. I am not sure what’s worse, missing you constantly or sleeping alone.

So many new things to experience and fears to conquer. So many other woman out there right now experiencing the same loss, the same pains in the heart, the same gasps for breathe. Oh Andy, why are we torn apart…why am I left to walk without you.

There is hope…I cling to it..I search for it. 8 months and a few days since you left me, since I last said goodbye to you. Since I last heard your voice and felt your breathe. My sweet sweet Andy I know you are still here. You remind me from time to time that you are watching me. When I visited the dogs you placed a little reminder of your love for me to find. What would seem to be trash to others was a gift from you. The same purple 25 cent ring discarded in the trash after I awoke from cuddling with the pups, cuddling with you. When I saw that ring I smiled, you wanted me to see the dogs and find that ring again. The ring you used to propose to me in that college dorm room when we had nothing to our name. I didn’t care then that we had no money … no flashy ring for us … no we just needed our love. Years later when you surprised me with a new wedding ring You were so proud of it, our birthstones and a gorgeous diamond, you always treated me special. Perhaps that’s all we need in life, love, even if it hurts to say goodbye to it. Goodbye to my love. Goodbye to us. I would marry you all over again if you just asked.

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My little fighter and Love

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Priceless

Andy, today and yesterday were very odd days. I still don’t understand why I am here but you must be laughing when you see the people I hang out with now and what I am doing. So I got burned standing outside yesterday with my friend as his car was broken down on the side of the road. I experienced first hand how no one will stop to help based on appearances..but once you put me there you get a few more people willing to stop since I am a young woman. Then today I gave him a ride around town and then the power went out in Kmart and his plans to buy a new shirt for his trip were thwarted. He was so looking forward to making a good impression when he saw his family again back in the states. So we figured we better just get him to the airport asap before something else bad happens. Determined as he was we tried again to find a polo shirt and we were successful at last. Life is weird..very weird! But my friend is safe in the air now after 10 years apart from his family. I pray he has safe journeys and a loving homecoming.

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Success.. made it to the airport

 

 

 

Healing Eyes

Heart of Stone

Heart of Stone.

Healing Eyes

Gift from abroad

When it’s been 8 months since losing a part of yourself there will be days when you feel entombed in your body. Fear will grip you and tears will tear at your heart. You’ll pass out from loss. You’ll see a gorgeous day outside but realize it shines on a lonely heart. Not only do I grieve my soulmate but I grieve losing the companionship of a close friend.
I keep reading all these things about how widows will just ‘know’ when they are ready to date…to love again. I strongly dislike being in this category.
I don’t know what to feel half the time and I am frustrated by the waves of emotions that come with this path.

My bit of cheer came today after I forced myself to get out and walk to the mailbox. A friend in Japan had mailed me some candy and a cute note. Just like when Andy was sick but now it’s just me to receive. Death touches so many lives. It’s amazing how any of us still walk around each day. I know it’s not my strength that makes me function…it has to be someone bigger than myself. All I can do is give up trying to understand why it had to happen this way.

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Healing Eyes

Bittersweet return

My heart is torn paper. Ripped to pieces and written with tears.
Oh God why do you torment me.
Why do I gasp for air.
Let it end. Give back light to my eyes.

I have returned to the island after a mini vacation and self discovery tour of loss.
I spent time with a dear friend who loves me and the memory of Andy.
I saw my dogs and sister in law and I thank God for that opportunity.
I kayaked with my daddy and quacked at ducks on a picturesque river in Michigan. Saw turtles sun bathing and remembered a time when Andy was alive.
I biked on my beloved road bike.
I chatted with a supporter and shared my testimony with her and gained encouragement from that chat.
Lunch with my past boss/mentor who helped mold me into a more confident person and gave me the self confidence I have because of his leadership. He knows I am determined and stubborn.
I saw my crazy opinionated friend who tells it as it is and laughed a lot.
I saw my old house and the street I called home what seems forever Ago.
Each time I see it I am reminded you can’t go back home when it’s gone. Not as it was at least.

I was reminded how vacations are not the same without Andy and faced pain of memories dredged up by that.
Even though I look high and low for Andy he is gone. He is not where I left him.
I saw a therapist and he said I must let go in time. Some day I’ll smile again and the guilt will lessen. Look out for my heart and grieve but let God heal me. Everything done was done because it was the right thing at the time based on what I knew. I can’t go back and change it.

Let it be….

I am back…I am sad…I am alone. My flights home I sat alone, no one beside me oddly. God was protecting me or perhaps isolating me in my grief.

My rent is due in a week and I’m $300 short so far. It is amazing to see how after PayPal was emptied last month that it did recoup some of the loss. Thank you to all who have helped and thank you for your prayers. I pray for discernment and ways to touch others hearts thru this blog in order to persevere.

The clubs After school programs start in a week. This week I have time for reflection and grieving. Time to work on doubts and fears. Above all I fear loneliness and humiliation. Pray I can gain peace in my path and see light in my choice to live on crazy faith.
To think I could have a chance loving kids and breaking past that pain of being barren and widowed.

“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord. “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. (‭Isaiah‬ ‭54‬:‭1-2‬ NIV)

Tell my heart to beat again.

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Healing Eyes

Heart strings pulled

I’m on my way to see my dogs after 5 months apart. The second hardest thing to do after Andy died. I fear seeing them will break my heart again. But I miss them…they remind me of Andy and I need that. I need a piece of Andy back.
It’s a 2 week break before any after school program starts back up on the island. What if this is the time to go back to what I left behind and start over again.
Give up the island story and go back stateside.
My heart feels some peace in the states. Would I be giving up if I returned? Can two dogs be the straw that breaks my journey…

Am I not human to have doubts?!
Doubting my decisions. Second guessing every action I take.
Andy knew me well..he knew I regretted choices I made.

To hold my dogs for 2 days and say goodbye again. For how long this time do I go? Will my dogs understand me going away again?

I need prayer to know if I am to continue on. To give the island more time. To let my dogs down again.
I don’t have it all figured out … I am a wanderer looking for answers amidst grief.

Healing Eyes