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Author Archives: Healing Eyes

Higher love

Hike up to goats hill for sunset.

Up high I could see the edges of my island. It’s beautiful really. Only saddened me when I think of how Andy can’t see it with me. I can fool myself and say, “well he was there in spirit”. Yes he was but it still feels like I have an amputated limb that I have ghost pains from. He’s my silent husband .. Forever there.. Even when he’s somewhere else. Perhaps being up high on that peak brought me a bit closer to him.
I took time to watch the valentines video he made me for the millionth time…this time the scenery was God’s splendor showing off. Mixture of pain and beauty.

I love you Andy!!

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Healing Eyes

UnPacked

OK I DID IT!

I unpacked the last of my clothes and bought some hangers to place them on! I also found a Jeep to buy and Monday I’ll be a proud owner of a Jeep wrangler. I asked God before I came, ‘Please find me a a car and if it could be a Jeep that would be much appreciated’. After a few weeks of frustration and agony it seems he has answered my prayer and gave me a cheap Jeep with AC. I had fun working on the price with him last night and it got better today when he knocked another $500 off the car. During the second test drive we went down this extremely steep hill and he shifted it into the low low gear and I screamed a little as the brakes slid but we survived 🙂

It’s another super hot day here and I actually find it possible to sweat without even moving a finger. Missing Michigan weather but perhaps there is a light ahead. Last night I slept in jeans and knee high socks since I didn’t want to take a chance with the centipede again. As far as I can tell he did not visit me and I had no nightmares! yay!

So now I just need to not stress too much about everything and let it BE…give up control…and see what God does for me. Even when I get upset about my circumstances and lack of what I used to have.

 

” If we slow down and listen, we will hear his voice: “I love you my child. Your value to me is not based on what you DO. Rest in me. Receive my love and grace. Find joy in the simple reality that my love for you will always be enough”.  ~ Seismic Shifts

And all along I knew that… before I came I kept saying, “It’s not about DOING, its about BEING and falling in love with God”. We can be mad at God and fight but in the end he just wants to love us. Why do we fight that one so much?

Healing Eyes

Moaning widow

Why am I writing this pointless rant of my boring life. Am I blogging to sound important or to update followers? Just to hear myself rant and complain? Well for today it is for the pure joy of complaining and being completely disappointed in the the turn of my life. So if you want a fluffy, happy, encouraging blog than stop here because it’s gonna get ugly.


 

Let’s list out all the things I don’t have anymore:


 

  1. Husband
  2. Soulmate
  3. House
  4. Cars
  5. Puppies
  6. Cat
  7. Couch
  8. Safe bed
  9. Full time job
  10. Freedom
  11. Sanity
  12. Michigan weather
  13. Bathtub

 

Instead I have:


 

  1. A room
  2. 90+ humid air
  3. A bed with a Centipede in it while sleeping last night that chose to bite me in my upper thigh and it fricken hurt, still does hours later! They are creepy and fast bastards and I lucked out and met it last night
  4. Minimal electricity which means when the sun goes down at 6:30 I am in darkness
  5. Fast cold showers
  6. Books (several)
  7. Bible (2)
  8. Clothes
  9. Friends
  10. Skittles

 

Now then why am I doing this to myself? I have no idea! I can chalk this up to momentary insanity after losing a loved one and started hearing voices. Mid life crisis brought on by a traumatic event which led me to think I could change my life. So I am going to give it until July before going back home. Back in Michigan I can easily get an apartment for one person and 2 small dogs. Have a bathtub and running water I can drink. As much electricity as I want and no CENTIPEDES that crawl on me at night! Yes, this grieving widow is miserable and pissed at her current circumstance. Yes it is a pitiful sight to see. I have knee high socks on since my 3am incident out of fear of another bite (yes its 80+ here and I slept in Andy’s sweatshirt and wool kneehighs). It took me 3 hours before I fell asleep on top of the sheets since I didn’t want to cozy up next to another bug unexpectedly. Am I blowing the bug incident out of proportion? Maybe, but I don’t care… we all get a few moments in life where we can complain and be mad.

Andy called me in my sleep last night and I bolted for the phone.

“Where are you?! Andy, I need to know and I miss you!” – Sarah

“I’m at a friend’s house, why do you care? You left me anyways”. – Andy

I sobbed in my sleep..

“Andy I am so sorry, please let me come to you.” – Sarah

I woke up in a sweat and remembered I was in a bed not of my own and living on an island where I don’t belong. Reality sinks in and I want to run. In my dream I was looking for a first flight out of here but my Internet refused to work. Now I am fully awake and contemplating if I should look up those flights still but I won’t. I will give it until July before going.

There you have it…a blog post worth laughing at… the ‘I told you so’ post about why I shouldn’t have come. All the doubt I had about why not to come is true. Question is what will I do with it? Stay tuned…maybe my day will not be as I expect it to turn out. Until then I am going to lay here with Andy’s wallet and stare at photos of him and I together (yes that’s what this widow does when alone, supposedly it can be helpful when dealing with loss)

Healing Eyes

Enjoying God’s beauty !

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Healing Eyes

Sore eyes

I am sitting here with a sore back and a pounding head. My heart is being squeezed and each breathe is like breathing thru a straw. Ok that usually means I have to read the bible and ask God to open my heart to something else I am supposed to hear.

Ugh…no more! I just want to be normal and have my house and puppies and my Andy back.

So I pulled out a sheet of paper that had some versus written down for me, I was procrastinating reading them. I started with Acts 9 and it talked about the story of Saul and how his eyes were opened to the suffering he caused. A disciple was sent to him to open those tightly closed eyes.

Then I went to Luke 1 and I got the words “For no work from God will ever fail”

Then I went to Isaiah 6 and the words “Your guilt is taken away”

“Be ever hearing, but never UNDERSTANDING

Be ever seeing, but never PERCEIVING

Make the heart of the people calloused. Make their ears dull and close their eyes.

Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn and be healed.”

 Very interesting.. Not everyone wants to listen because their hearts are hardened.

“For how long Lord?”

“Until the cities lie ruined and without inhabitants.

Until the houses are left deserted and the fields ruined and ravaged”.

 

It seems that it can take utter destruction, removal of everything, and loss of huge magnitude to Open ones eyes to healing. Again a big ‘Hmm’ from me as I see the pieces coming together. Only after losing everything can you get something back or be willing to listen.

Then I went to Exodus 3.. Story of Moses and God’s concern for the suffering of his people. So maybe God is concerned about those suffering from Cancer and sickness. God said He was sending Moses but Moses said, “Who am I that I should go?”

The final icing on the cake was when I flipped back to Acts and read in chapter 16 about a certain lady I never heard of. The footnotes had the words ‘Successful Business Woman’ pop right off the page at me. I had to read more since I like to think I have been successful in my career.  The lady’s name was Lydia, it is speculated that she was a WIDOW. Lydia insisted on giving hospitality to Saint Paul and his companions in Philippi. She was a spiritual searcher all her life and she was willing to listen and respond. God responded to her quest with more truth. She then listened to Paul talk and became “the first ‘European’ Christian convert.

Do you see the connection?? Paul is also known as Saul and he had his eyes opened up by a disciple who showed him the suffering. If that hadn’t happened than a business woman named Lydia wouldn’t have found her answers.

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Sometimes you just have to have your eyes opened.

Sometimes it takes a great loss in your life.

Sometimes you lose it all to gain more.

And

Sometimes it takes a leap of faith to believe again…

Sometimes you have to listen even if it hurts.. even if it will be hard.. and even if it goes against everything you think is sane and secure.

 

Eek…what does that mean for me?  Has this been one huge jigsaw puzzle coming together? Was all my time married my stage of blindness? Enjoying happiness with Andy and living a life of comfort until Cancer came along and took it all away.  Now in order to find peace I have to decide which road to take….security in what I have known all my adult life…or security in what is unfamiliar to me?

Is this my chance at a reboot? Do I even want a reboot?

 

Healing Eyes

Speak Louder Please

So I asked God tonight why am I here? What am I supposed to do…? After a painful afternoon of solitude in the very hot room I reside in. Feeling sorry for myself and doubting my decisions. Missing Andy and what I used to have.

He answered with Matthew 12:18-21 which talked about a Chosen Servant. Which then led me to a bunch of other verses and finally landed on Matthew 12:44-45

“Then it says, I will return to the house I left. When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.”

Now I can’t take this all literally but I feel an interesting theme about being chosen and needing to be filled up with some Good vibes. Now I’m going to take a chance and include my personal journal entry that I got from this soul searching endeavor. Usually I censor a bit my blog posts to not get too personal and not too Godly but for some reason this one feels important.

——

When I lost everything I became broken and empty. I then started to remember God and my love for him. If I don’t fill myself with God than its an empty room for others to occupy…putting the old desires of worldly things and possessions back in. The comforts of my life and security of having a job.

By moving to St Croix and being around new Godly people I am exposing myself to good and Godly things to fill me back up before someone else wins. That’s one reason of many why I had to come back here so soon, because if I didn’t I would be tempted to fall back into my old routine and not let God take control. I don’t have to give up everything forever but I do have to give God time to fill my empty heart back up with good and hope and unharden my heart. All this in order to go back and live a life more in tune with what God wanted for me before I strayed.

So what does this all mean? It means I had an awesome 13 year marriage filled with love and happiness. It was taken away from me and Andy suffered miserably in the end but thru that pain he accepted God and now is at rest. It wasn’t cancer that made his heart change but somehow the crack got bigger in his heart and he found a great peace. Now for me, losing Andy has caused a huge astronomic gaping hole in my heart that could easily be filled up with my past way of living. This could be ok but I have to be cautious because this time I want to put God first. God knew all of this and planted the seed in me to step out of my comfort zone and be willing to try something new. This ‘new’ doesn’t have to be forever but it does have a time and place.. and timing is everything. So I need to sit back and enjoy the ride, be patient, and accept my limitations of NO car and LIMITED freedom.. and the part that is REALLY hard to adjust to is NO personal space like I had when I owned a home.

So OK…I see a bit more of the puzzle piece and I’ll wait before I buy a ticket back home. Ugh

 

 

Healing Eyes

Sweat and tears

So it’s 80+ temperatures and instead of laying low and cool I went to help a new friend do ‘yard’ work. I say ‘yard’ work because this involved hauling very long palm branches from one side of the estate to another. Those suckers are heavy!

What am I doing here? I’m grieving Andy and living in someone else’s house, eating other peoples food, catching rides from other people, and sweating my butt off. It makes no sense !

Is my future to wander from place to place and do chores for other people in need? Am I to learn to like kids again? Am I to be a business woman ? Do I juggle it all? It hasn’t been two weeks yet but on the island, time stands still because the weather is always sunny … The seasons are hot, hotter, and rainy hot.

I got on a plane and came here out of faith (a single young widow). I’m trying to live by faith but it’s difficult when the real world realities are always there. We are supposed to trust God will provide … Will he provide money , food , happiness? Today’s society requires you have a job to survive .. Can God give me a job ? An unconventional job?

If I were to accept the challenge to live off what God puts in front of me … How long would I be sustained I wonder? Let go of control and society’s standards of living. Does it mean I’ll be in a cardboard box or the opposite…a house on the beach sipping rum. (Of which I hardly have gotten my rum ration on an island that makes rum!!)

Do normal ladies often do this sort of thing after losing a husband? Give it all up and moving to an island? Hearing a still voice in your heart saying , ‘go’, but not telling you why.
This has to be normal !
I miss my bathtub lol and my bike. Funny the things you end up missing when deprived of them. I should be grieving in luxury…tap water you can drink and long hot baths.

Do people really want to hear my ongoing story? What if I end up failing and my story ends quite anti-climatically. All the build up in the plot only to be disappointed in the conclusion.

Let’s take a vote … Should I continue with this journey and blog it all?
Or
Go back home to Michigan and stop blogging ? Closing the story of Andy and Sarah.

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Healing Eyes

One day

After a miserable night before missing Andy and doubting my future. Thinking about all the parts of my life that have gone wrong..such as..losing Andy, failing Andy, and losing all my belongings to God.

I woke up groggily and not looking forward to breathing. Dragging myself to the shower and praying that the water heater was not unplugged only to realize it was. So a cold shower to start a day I was already dreading. My breakfast consisted of an english muffin with peanut butter…only the bare essentials on that one since I’m lazy and watching the budget.

Even though my outlook on the day was gloomy God didn’t give up on me. Instead he decided to fill my day with online meetings and a lot of familiarity of my job. Just what I needed..some ‘normalcy’.  I even got advice from my boss about not working too hard and giving time to listen to God and not try and rush things. Needing to surrender more to his will and let him drive my weeks to come. Even though I have a looming deadline of May 15th where I need to know more of what I am to do…stay on island or leave island or really just some direction would be nice.  I even prayed this evening while sitting on a rock on the beach for guidance, silly me I was going to ask God to tell me what to do and a big wave slapped me in the face instead. So I understood that message…don’t worry right now about that one Sarah!

I found my favorite beach today…it reminded me of Marquette Michigan, my favorite place in the world. There are rocks you can climb on and perch up on like a little birdie or perhaps a cat laying out to bake in the sun. It had a nice little cubby hole of water that I could lay in that was warm and clear. So awesome!

Earlier in the day I met with a contractor that is going to help with construction of the medical center near the building #1 of Lighthouse Ministries. Very cool to watch how God made it so easy to start building…things can be easy when you let go. Am I to help out with this? Who knows but I was there today. Perhaps it’s all about just ‘being’ in the moment at the ‘right’ time.

Next hurdle is finding a car while on island. Needing to be patient on that one….time will tell if I get wheels or get to walk.

What do I need?
1. Car
2. Patience
3. Food
4. Bike
5. Fruit Gushers or Fruit Roll-ups
6. Gift Card to Kmart (yes there is a kmart on island!!)
7. Care packages with protein

Healing Eyes

I’m thinking I think too much

Today we beach hopped since the rain clouds wouldn’t leave us alone. Finally we landed again at the free pool (thanks Beth!). Why didn’t we just start there? Because that’s logical and all logic leaves on this island.

As far as progress being made on deciding my length of stay on this island I haven’t really made any headway on that one. However, after paying a few bills I am starting feel the squeeze of relocating and the food budget. I have a feeling that will be the deciding factor on ‘length’ of say…of course money drives my mind still. Probably wrong to do that but old habits die hard. You can take me off the main land but you can’t take the main land mentality away, no matter how gorgeous the surroundings.

Day 4 it’s probably ok I have no clue of my plans…should give myself a break I guess. Let’s see what would Andy say…hmm well first of all he wouldn’t have gone so extreme as I did. He was so practical. He would say, ‘Eat ramen noodles until you know your financial situation’.  He loved ramen noodles in college until we ate too much and got sick off them. But during cancer his appetite returned for them, oddly enough.

Let’s see what else did I do today. I mopped my floor…that was something different. It really isn’t an exciting or glamorous life here.

Finished my night making tuna casserole at a friends (since she has a stove ) and watching mindless movies on TV. It almost felt like back when Andy and I sat around and had dinner while watching tv. Just was missing the dogs curled up by my legs.
I miss my dogs so much and my past life. Even though the ocean is beautiful I am sad thru the bone. I knew it would be hard and god was gonna break me more but my doubts are rising and that plane is looking mighty inviting. If god exists than he sure isn’t making it easy to love him with this strange part of unknown and tiny bugs that bite my ankles.

Healing Eyes

I woke up in a sweat last night from a terrible nightmare. Andy was in the hospital and I went to find him but I couldn’t, no one knew where he was. So i insisted he was in ICU and that was where I left him. Finally he magically appeared. Sadly he looked awful…his head was tilted up and he had a oxygen mask on. His eyes were wet from tears and his face was contorted oddly. He had wires hooked up all over him and was was groaning in pain. The smell of the hospital was all over me, suffocating me in my sleep, a smell of hospital gowns and chlorine. The lights were bright and he was in a room with several other patients.. it felt so humiliating seeing Andy stripped down to nothing as if he was just a number in a line of sick hospital beds.

I held his hand tightly and cried, “I love you! I love you!”. Andy replied saying he loved me too, over and over we said these words. I told him please don’t go.. please don’t leave me..please stay.. over and over I begged him. He was laying on his side and crying with me crying over his shoulder. The nurse came in and prepared some pain drugs, it was a very large cocktail and I asked lots of questions about why so much and what they were. One of the drugs was a hippopotamus tranquilizer (why I don’t know).

Slowly the nurse pushed the drugs into his IV and Andy convulsed and slowly calmed down. Slowly he drifted off and his eyes died all over again. Over and over I see his eyes die in my dreams. At one point he crawled out of his bed and had no arms or legs. The nurse quickly scooped him up as if he was a baby and slammed him back in the bed. She yelled at me saying you have to keep him in that bed otherwise his IV lines will come out. I stared at Andy and cried, screamed for him to stay, Don’t leave me!!!

Then I woke up!

Back to reality of where I was. In a room in someone else’s bed wondering why am I here. Why the hell am I here? I am miles away from the familiar and alone in my bed. Andy is not there to comfort me after a nightmare…he can’t hold me or stroke my hair. Nevermore will he be and nevermore will I hear his voice. You can’t just erase 13 years of companionship, it stays with you like a ghost in the room. Quietly sleeping in my shadow until something stirs it and it suffocates me with its misery.

Sleep Andy.. and haunt my dreams no more. Speak softly to me with encouragement but please take those hospital memories away! Your agony and feeling of desperation of doing nothing to save you. I was helpless to save you. I failed you as a caretaker…that feeling of guilt will never go. I know it’s normal to feel this way but others out there must know they aren’t alone! There has to be a way to have peace about watching someone die and being helpless to stop it.

 

Healing Eyes