• sarah@healingeyes.org

Author Archives: Healing Eyes

Being schooled

Anyone can change their life !
Anyone can choose to follow !
Can anyone have this awesome jeep:)
That’s right…I have wheels! May not be the cleanest or quietest ride but it’s got character.


Yesterday at the after school program I helped a couple girls with homework and found out my geometry isn’t very good. I think I need to go back to school ha. Then it was hula hoop contest in the yard. I lost:( I guess I am also lacking in my hula skills but I think with practice I’ll get better.

So…lesson is Sarah needs to learn a lot of old skills. I used to hola hoop as a kid and was awesome at it. I used to know geometry and was average at it. There always is time to learn at any age.

To end my evening I drove my jeep down the coast and went to play bingo! First time experience for me, I didn’t win but it was fun! Pizza, drinks, and fun by the sea:)


Healing Eyes

Heat stroke

It appears I might have been affected by the heat today which is odd since I wasn’t hanging out in the sun today. I think it’s a mixture of humidity and staring at a computer all morning.

My day today went better than expected. I got some work done for my Michigan job and then let the day unfold as God wanted it to. I ended up getting a ride from a new friend to the insurance agency to check out prices for my Jeep to come. Had some tacos for the first time since coming to the island and bought another crucian bracelet. This bracelet simplifies ‘Gratitude’…which is fitting since I need more of that lately. I have been moaning a lot and complaining soooo it’s time to try harder on that one. So the bracelet will remind me to stop it!

Gratitude: Readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. Gratitude means thankfulness, count your blessings, noticing simple pleasures and acknowledging everything that you receive. It means learning to live your life as if everything were a miracle, and being aware on a continuous basis of how much you’ve been given. Gratitude shifts your focus from what your life lacks to the abundance that is already present. To say we feel grateful is not to say that everything in our lives is necessarily great. I just means we are aware of our blessings.

The other bracelet in the photo means ‘infinity’. I got that on my first trip to St. Croix in memory of Andy.

Infinity: Reflects the endlessly great feelings invoked by the Caribbean blue sea and the local color of its people. Wear as a symbol of everlasting friendship, love or memories.



In the afternoon I went to the Good News Bible Club for kids down in one of the projects. It was an interesting experience. We sat on sheets out on the grass under some shade. The kids came and went and were a bit hyper. There was one little girl in particular that wouldn’t sit still so eventually I ended up with her on my lap and trying to calm her and stopping her from hitting other kids. It went ‘okish’. Perhaps I am better than I give myself credit but I still am extremely awkward around kids. I even joined in some of the kids songs which was very very out of my comfort zone. I can’t lie though it did feel kinda nice to act like a kid again, even if I was awkward.

There was another older girl there that was asking some serious questions. She asked what if someone was very sick and in the hospital and they had to bring a preacher in to try and save that person before they died. If that was something people did and if there was enough time to do that. I wanted to scream out, ‘Yes, Yes that really does happen! Andy and I did that very thing…but I held my tongue, it didn’t seem appropriate to butt in’. It’s interesting to see how some kids can be quite serious and others very hyper in the same group. Just an observation from a motherless 30 something widow..but kids are interesting to watch. Maybe some day God will succeed and I’ll be singing and teaching bible studies without feeling awkward..hmm let’s not hold our breaths on that. God only knows!

Healing Eyes

Conversation at Sunrise

I am spending the night next to the Sea! Literally, I can hear the waves crash on the surf and I can smell the salt… and what am I doing… I am bawling my eyes out missing Andy. Guilt is weighing so heavy on me right now of the all the hospital visits I am starting to blur together in my head. This evening I tried to document them all and went back at my calendar to find correct dates and procedures. If I forget the last 2 years I feel like I am losing another piece of Andy. The piece of Andy that fought so hard and suffered so much. The piece of Andy that shined so brightly when facing death. This morning I realized he had such a peace…a wave of peace came over him in that hospital bed that was God’s doing. I saw it first hand and yet it took me months later to really come to grips with it.

This morning I sat on a beautiful patio overlooking the Sea and I was sad. Seriously?! Stop being sad Sarah!

Why is it that when I wake up I can’t be happy and free? Because when I awake I remember I can’t wake from my dream of forever being separated from you my love – my other self. I will forever awake each morning in mourning for you. The loss felt is forever etched in my soul.

While others smile and welcome the day I fear the pain to come.


Job 33:

In a dream, in a vision of the night,
    when deep sleep falls on people
    as they slumber in their beds,
he may speak in their ears
    and terrify them with warnings,
 to turn them from wrongdoing
    and keep them from pride,
 to preserve them from the pit,
    their lives from perishing by the sword.

 “Or someone may be chastened on a bed of pain
    with constant distress in their bones,
 so that their body finds food repulsive
    and their soul loathes the choicest meal.
 Their flesh wastes away to nothing,
    and their bones, once hidden, now stick out.
 They draw near to the pit,
    and their life to the messengers of death.
 Yet if there is an angel at their side
as a mediator to tell a man what is right for him..

Andy I knew the words to speak to you. You told me before you died I had a way of reaching you. That I always knew what to say. The day you died I felt useless and words seemed desperate to save you from death. I long to hear your voice again – even if for a flash. What joy I would feel – but quickly it would be replaced with agony as I know I never can feel your embrace again or your breath on my cheek.

and he is gracious to that person and says to God,

    ‘Spare them from going down to the pit;
    I have found a ransom for them—
 let their flesh be renewed like a child’s;
    let them be restored as in the days of their youth’—

“God does all these things to a person—
    twice, even three times—
 to turn them back from the pit,
    that the light of life may shine on them.

Speak no more of woes but take care my child that Andy lives, he lives in your heart and those that he touched with his struggle of life. His pain is gone and he smiles at the sight of you. One day when you wake the pain of separation will be replaced with peace — knowing that Andy is at peace in my arms.

Healing Eyes

Higher love

Hike up to goats hill for sunset.

Up high I could see the edges of my island. It’s beautiful really. Only saddened me when I think of how Andy can’t see it with me. I can fool myself and say, “well he was there in spirit”. Yes he was but it still feels like I have an amputated limb that I have ghost pains from. He’s my silent husband .. Forever there.. Even when he’s somewhere else. Perhaps being up high on that peak brought me a bit closer to him.
I took time to watch the valentines video he made me for the millionth time…this time the scenery was God’s splendor showing off. Mixture of pain and beauty.

I love you Andy!!








Healing Eyes



I unpacked the last of my clothes and bought some hangers to place them on! I also found a Jeep to buy and Monday I’ll be a proud owner of a Jeep wrangler. I asked God before I came, ‘Please find me a a car and if it could be a Jeep that would be much appreciated’. After a few weeks of frustration and agony it seems he has answered my prayer and gave me a cheap Jeep with AC. I had fun working on the price with him last night and it got better today when he knocked another $500 off the car. During the second test drive we went down this extremely steep hill and he shifted it into the low low gear and I screamed a little as the brakes slid but we survived 🙂

It’s another super hot day here and I actually find it possible to sweat without even moving a finger. Missing Michigan weather but perhaps there is a light ahead. Last night I slept in jeans and knee high socks since I didn’t want to take a chance with the centipede again. As far as I can tell he did not visit me and I had no nightmares! yay!

So now I just need to not stress too much about everything and let it BE…give up control…and see what God does for me. Even when I get upset about my circumstances and lack of what I used to have.


” If we slow down and listen, we will hear his voice: “I love you my child. Your value to me is not based on what you DO. Rest in me. Receive my love and grace. Find joy in the simple reality that my love for you will always be enough”.  ~ Seismic Shifts

And all along I knew that… before I came I kept saying, “It’s not about DOING, its about BEING and falling in love with God”. We can be mad at God and fight but in the end he just wants to love us. Why do we fight that one so much?

Healing Eyes

Moaning widow

Why am I writing this pointless rant of my boring life. Am I blogging to sound important or to update followers? Just to hear myself rant and complain? Well for today it is for the pure joy of complaining and being completely disappointed in the the turn of my life. So if you want a fluffy, happy, encouraging blog than stop here because it’s gonna get ugly.


Let’s list out all the things I don’t have anymore:


  1. Husband
  2. Soulmate
  3. House
  4. Cars
  5. Puppies
  6. Cat
  7. Couch
  8. Safe bed
  9. Full time job
  10. Freedom
  11. Sanity
  12. Michigan weather
  13. Bathtub


Instead I have:


  1. A room
  2. 90+ humid air
  3. A bed with a Centipede in it while sleeping last night that chose to bite me in my upper thigh and it fricken hurt, still does hours later! They are creepy and fast bastards and I lucked out and met it last night
  4. Minimal electricity which means when the sun goes down at 6:30 I am in darkness
  5. Fast cold showers
  6. Books (several)
  7. Bible (2)
  8. Clothes
  9. Friends
  10. Skittles


Now then why am I doing this to myself? I have no idea! I can chalk this up to momentary insanity after losing a loved one and started hearing voices. Mid life crisis brought on by a traumatic event which led me to think I could change my life. So I am going to give it until July before going back home. Back in Michigan I can easily get an apartment for one person and 2 small dogs. Have a bathtub and running water I can drink. As much electricity as I want and no CENTIPEDES that crawl on me at night! Yes, this grieving widow is miserable and pissed at her current circumstance. Yes it is a pitiful sight to see. I have knee high socks on since my 3am incident out of fear of another bite (yes its 80+ here and I slept in Andy’s sweatshirt and wool kneehighs). It took me 3 hours before I fell asleep on top of the sheets since I didn’t want to cozy up next to another bug unexpectedly. Am I blowing the bug incident out of proportion? Maybe, but I don’t care… we all get a few moments in life where we can complain and be mad.

Andy called me in my sleep last night and I bolted for the phone.

“Where are you?! Andy, I need to know and I miss you!” – Sarah

“I’m at a friend’s house, why do you care? You left me anyways”. – Andy

I sobbed in my sleep..

“Andy I am so sorry, please let me come to you.” – Sarah

I woke up in a sweat and remembered I was in a bed not of my own and living on an island where I don’t belong. Reality sinks in and I want to run. In my dream I was looking for a first flight out of here but my Internet refused to work. Now I am fully awake and contemplating if I should look up those flights still but I won’t. I will give it until July before going.

There you have it…a blog post worth laughing at… the ‘I told you so’ post about why I shouldn’t have come. All the doubt I had about why not to come is true. Question is what will I do with it? Stay tuned…maybe my day will not be as I expect it to turn out. Until then I am going to lay here with Andy’s wallet and stare at photos of him and I together (yes that’s what this widow does when alone, supposedly it can be helpful when dealing with loss)

Healing Eyes

Enjoying God’s beauty !



Healing Eyes

Sore eyes

I am sitting here with a sore back and a pounding head. My heart is being squeezed and each breathe is like breathing thru a straw. Ok that usually means I have to read the bible and ask God to open my heart to something else I am supposed to hear.

Ugh…no more! I just want to be normal and have my house and puppies and my Andy back.

So I pulled out a sheet of paper that had some versus written down for me, I was procrastinating reading them. I started with Acts 9 and it talked about the story of Saul and how his eyes were opened to the suffering he caused. A disciple was sent to him to open those tightly closed eyes.

Then I went to Luke 1 and I got the words “For no work from God will ever fail”

Then I went to Isaiah 6 and the words “Your guilt is taken away”

“Be ever hearing, but never UNDERSTANDING

Be ever seeing, but never PERCEIVING

Make the heart of the people calloused. Make their ears dull and close their eyes.

Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn and be healed.”

 Very interesting.. Not everyone wants to listen because their hearts are hardened.

“For how long Lord?”

“Until the cities lie ruined and without inhabitants.

Until the houses are left deserted and the fields ruined and ravaged”.


It seems that it can take utter destruction, removal of everything, and loss of huge magnitude to Open ones eyes to healing. Again a big ‘Hmm’ from me as I see the pieces coming together. Only after losing everything can you get something back or be willing to listen.

Then I went to Exodus 3.. Story of Moses and God’s concern for the suffering of his people. So maybe God is concerned about those suffering from Cancer and sickness. God said He was sending Moses but Moses said, “Who am I that I should go?”

The final icing on the cake was when I flipped back to Acts and read in chapter 16 about a certain lady I never heard of. The footnotes had the words ‘Successful Business Woman’ pop right off the page at me. I had to read more since I like to think I have been successful in my career.  The lady’s name was Lydia, it is speculated that she was a WIDOW. Lydia insisted on giving hospitality to Saint Paul and his companions in Philippi. She was a spiritual searcher all her life and she was willing to listen and respond. God responded to her quest with more truth. She then listened to Paul talk and became “the first ‘European’ Christian convert.

Do you see the connection?? Paul is also known as Saul and he had his eyes opened up by a disciple who showed him the suffering. If that hadn’t happened than a business woman named Lydia wouldn’t have found her answers.


Sometimes you just have to have your eyes opened.

Sometimes it takes a great loss in your life.

Sometimes you lose it all to gain more.


Sometimes it takes a leap of faith to believe again…

Sometimes you have to listen even if it hurts.. even if it will be hard.. and even if it goes against everything you think is sane and secure.


Eek…what does that mean for me?  Has this been one huge jigsaw puzzle coming together? Was all my time married my stage of blindness? Enjoying happiness with Andy and living a life of comfort until Cancer came along and took it all away.  Now in order to find peace I have to decide which road to take….security in what I have known all my adult life…or security in what is unfamiliar to me?

Is this my chance at a reboot? Do I even want a reboot?


Healing Eyes

Speak Louder Please

So I asked God tonight why am I here? What am I supposed to do…? After a painful afternoon of solitude in the very hot room I reside in. Feeling sorry for myself and doubting my decisions. Missing Andy and what I used to have.

He answered with Matthew 12:18-21 which talked about a Chosen Servant. Which then led me to a bunch of other verses and finally landed on Matthew 12:44-45

“Then it says, I will return to the house I left. When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.”

Now I can’t take this all literally but I feel an interesting theme about being chosen and needing to be filled up with some Good vibes. Now I’m going to take a chance and include my personal journal entry that I got from this soul searching endeavor. Usually I censor a bit my blog posts to not get too personal and not too Godly but for some reason this one feels important.


When I lost everything I became broken and empty. I then started to remember God and my love for him. If I don’t fill myself with God than its an empty room for others to occupy…putting the old desires of worldly things and possessions back in. The comforts of my life and security of having a job.

By moving to St Croix and being around new Godly people I am exposing myself to good and Godly things to fill me back up before someone else wins. That’s one reason of many why I had to come back here so soon, because if I didn’t I would be tempted to fall back into my old routine and not let God take control. I don’t have to give up everything forever but I do have to give God time to fill my empty heart back up with good and hope and unharden my heart. All this in order to go back and live a life more in tune with what God wanted for me before I strayed.

So what does this all mean? It means I had an awesome 13 year marriage filled with love and happiness. It was taken away from me and Andy suffered miserably in the end but thru that pain he accepted God and now is at rest. It wasn’t cancer that made his heart change but somehow the crack got bigger in his heart and he found a great peace. Now for me, losing Andy has caused a huge astronomic gaping hole in my heart that could easily be filled up with my past way of living. This could be ok but I have to be cautious because this time I want to put God first. God knew all of this and planted the seed in me to step out of my comfort zone and be willing to try something new. This ‘new’ doesn’t have to be forever but it does have a time and place.. and timing is everything. So I need to sit back and enjoy the ride, be patient, and accept my limitations of NO car and LIMITED freedom.. and the part that is REALLY hard to adjust to is NO personal space like I had when I owned a home.

So OK…I see a bit more of the puzzle piece and I’ll wait before I buy a ticket back home. Ugh



Healing Eyes

Sweat and tears

So it’s 80+ temperatures and instead of laying low and cool I went to help a new friend do ‘yard’ work. I say ‘yard’ work because this involved hauling very long palm branches from one side of the estate to another. Those suckers are heavy!

What am I doing here? I’m grieving Andy and living in someone else’s house, eating other peoples food, catching rides from other people, and sweating my butt off. It makes no sense !

Is my future to wander from place to place and do chores for other people in need? Am I to learn to like kids again? Am I to be a business woman ? Do I juggle it all? It hasn’t been two weeks yet but on the island, time stands still because the weather is always sunny … The seasons are hot, hotter, and rainy hot.

I got on a plane and came here out of faith (a single young widow). I’m trying to live by faith but it’s difficult when the real world realities are always there. We are supposed to trust God will provide … Will he provide money , food , happiness? Today’s society requires you have a job to survive .. Can God give me a job ? An unconventional job?

If I were to accept the challenge to live off what God puts in front of me … How long would I be sustained I wonder? Let go of control and society’s standards of living. Does it mean I’ll be in a cardboard box or the opposite…a house on the beach sipping rum. (Of which I hardly have gotten my rum ration on an island that makes rum!!)

Do normal ladies often do this sort of thing after losing a husband? Give it all up and moving to an island? Hearing a still voice in your heart saying , ‘go’, but not telling you why.
This has to be normal !
I miss my bathtub lol and my bike. Funny the things you end up missing when deprived of them. I should be grieving in luxury…tap water you can drink and long hot baths.

Do people really want to hear my ongoing story? What if I end up failing and my story ends quite anti-climatically. All the build up in the plot only to be disappointed in the conclusion.

Let’s take a vote … Should I continue with this journey and blog it all?
Go back home to Michigan and stop blogging ? Closing the story of Andy and Sarah.


Healing Eyes