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Author Archives: Healing Eyes

Indescribable feelings of loss

What does one do when everything is gone and replaced by new memories.

I am trapped looking at past memories and remembering the love and adventure Andy and I shared. We spent 13 amazing years together…shared tears and laughter. How can I go on without Andy? How can life be so cruel? I’m looking at these photos and it just seems so unreal that Andy is now a memory, a snapshot, a photo on my heart. He was never supposed to be a photo in a shoebox that years from now will be dusted off and remembered. He can’t be gone…not now….it’s too soon!
How can he ever know who I become…how I change…how I long for his hug and smile again. Watching someone die before your eyes is indescribable pain…Being a widow sucks!

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Healing Eyes

What is love when love dies?

 Does love live on even after death? Can a parted soul reach back and touch a life?

Again Andy came to me in my dreams saying he was ALIVE and OK. Again I saw his face before cancer ravished it…his skin was full of color and life. I said, “NO Andy, I cremated you!”…”You are not alive”… “No Sarah I am alive and OK”…
Then I woke up and shook the memory free from my head and realized I was alone. In a flash he was gone again. The night before I was woken by a small faint voice, “Sarah Please Get up”.. followed by a slight touch of the nose. An Eskimo kiss like we always used to do on a cold winter night. Can love transcend death? Can two souls be entwined even when one has passed into heaven while I am left behind on this cold world.

Each day is a test…and a gift.

Today Tmobile confirmed Andy’s cell phone was shut off and his number is now gone. Poof! Gone! A test of my patience for loss. So I countered it finally by sucking in my pride and called a Grief counselor. Here goes nothing, poor my life out again to a stranger to get her perspective on how to cope. I know how to cope but a second opinion couldn’t hurt ha!

Before my husband passed away I was in contact with a Mission group in St. Croix. Exploring the idea of helping out in some way.
After Andy’s death the pieces have come together to take a trip to St. Croix and Walk with the individuals at Lighthouse Mission. This will be my first try at mission work and going on my first vacation without Andy.
A friend suggested some fundraising and so here I go. Putting myself out there.

The plane ticket is already booked and I have a host house to stay at so God worked out the details on that.

While there I also am mainly going to ‘Walk with them’.. find out where God wants me in life and to get some peace and healing in the process. I don’t know what to expect, I am scared and nervous, but it feels right to get away and learn about what this Organization is all about. They are a small group and help Homeless people. Since Andy and I were in Jamaica in June for our Anniversary it seems fitting that I am going to a tropical place to heal.

If anyone has a desire to Donate to help with food and traveling expenses that’s great..
but if not that’s ok too. Just some prayers for a safe trip and that I can come back refreshed and find some peace in Andy’s passing is enough.

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Healing Eyes

Why Me

Time to process

Time to think

Time to heal

and time to Grieve.

Everyone goes at a different pace and process.. I have always jumped ahead and rushed going thru life. I have learned its not so bad to step back and breathe for a moment…let God show the way and magically this whole new path opens up.

I have realized that Andy and I had a lot of ‘material things’. Some of them were toys, electronics, games, cars, car parts, clothes, furniture, printers, so much STUFF! Now some stuff is nice to have, and some toys are fun to play for sure. Andy loved collecting video games and systems, maybe just because he knew how much i LOVED playing them. Either way, the basement is full of STUFF and today I purged.

Andy loved Goodwill. I mean LOVED Goodwill. He would rummage around for rare video games, rollerblades, anything that looked cool. So it seemed fitting that a lot of the things he collected over the years should go back to there home, Goodwill. So far i’ve done 3 loads today and it was hard but felt kinda good to unload that burden of ‘things’. I still have several more loads of stuff that could go but I am stopping to breathe and digest what I just let go. Pieces of Andy gone. Forever. It makes me smile though to think that another ‘Andy’ type person will be going to Goodwill in a week and find that super awesome Nintendo Game, or another Dreamcast for his/her collection. That makes it worth it to Let Go of ‘things’.

The other day I read this daily inspirational quote..soon after I got a phone call. Saint Mary’s Lacks Cancer center was finally calling me back about volunteering. Cool. I stopped and then something happened. So today I go there to try out for playing the piano in the lobby.

The other other day I read a daily inspirational quote…soon after I picked up the phone and called a lady in St. Croix Virgin Islands (I had been procrastinating on making the call). After sharing my life story and Andy’s pain and suffering over the year I now have a new path. My tickets are bought and I’m going to do my first mission trip. Ok that sounds very odd coming from me. A person who for the last 13 years stopped going to church, stopped reading, stopped praying, stopped LISTENING. Now I am not a completely different person, I still have my doubts about what I am about to do..It scares me to think I could become some ‘mission’ girl. ME? Screwed up Sarah who now is a widow, has two needy dogs, a house, and so much pain pushing down on a tiny little heart. Completely broken into pieces, world turned upside down, no soulmate, and defeated Sarah…

Today I slowly begin to breathe again.. tomorrow I might stop again.. but Andy is NOT in pain anymore, so that has to be enough for now.

Healing Eyes

Saved from freezing

Sometimes when your eyes are closed you’ll be surprised at what can come when you least expect it. A huge winter storm blew in last night and buried the city, the temperature keeps dropping and the wind cuts thru you like ice (literally:).

Today I had to get one of my cars repaired so that was a jab at me today. I returned to work today, another jab at my heart. I am still feeling sick from the emotional strain I’ve been under. Then I get a call saying we want to show your house today and that means I have to Shovel the darn driveway. Great! My drive is completely covered in snow, the garbage can has tipped over and the snow is at least up to my knees in spots. No problem, I can do this, why not throw a bit more at me today. I get the sidewalk shoveled and my fingers are falling off from the shear cold. I stop for a moment to just cry in my driveway for anyone to see, this sucks! I mean I used to shovel when Andy was sick and even when he wasn’t but this just sucks more because I know this is my new life. Surviving each day.

Then I hear a voice.. “Ma’am, Ma’am!…I can help you after I do my driveway”…   I look over my shoulder and my neighbor who I’ve maybe talked to a couple times since living on this street is talking to me. Now for anyone that knows Andy’s and mine neighbors they know that we never liked the one side but the other side we always got along with. It was the neighbor we liked calling out to help me. I smiled and said “Thank you sooo much, that would be awesome! Oh and my husband died a few weeks ago so you have know idea how much I appreciate your help”.

God sent me an angel today in the form of a neighbor with a snow blower. I was tired, beaten, cold, and crying and I’m saved. It’s still snowing out and the driveway is quickly being covered back up but it never looked so good than it does now. He even did the back driveway and the back step.

So anyone out there that thinks God doesn’t care.. or that God has abandoned you.. maybe someday you can have a moment I had. It’s small but sometimes the little things make the biggest difference in someone’s day.

Healing Eyes

Silence in the end

My soul cries out. My sorrow closes in around my heart. All I see is darkness even though the snow falls thick outside. Inside the fire burns and thirsts for the oxygen it consumes.
My body breathes out of reflex but not from desire. With Andy I had laughter and tears mingled together. No life is prefect and after a traumatic death I am left to question everything, all the smiles.. Tears… Love… Fights… Breathes.. Fears.. Disappointments.. Hugs… Embraces.

Nobody knows me at all now.. This earth is lonely… Andy and I were together for 14 years…
I left my childhood life behind for college and met Andy, the years where you find yourself and I found him instead. Did I find myself by finding him? What is left now that all that time is gone.

Breathing hurts… I find some comfort in a dreamless sleep when it comes. Often the dreams come and haunt me, mocking me of my past and holding me back from breathing new air.

Time now lingers…. And yet moves quickly by… Three weeks ago Andy breathed his last breathe in my arms… Closed his eyes for the last time.. And felt pain fade away.

Healing Eyes

Revisit

I am sitting in the atrium at saint Mary’s lacks cancer center. Trying to see what Emotions it evokes. This very bench where me and Andy sat while hooked up to an iv… little more than a year ago.
He smiled thru the pain.. We hugged thru the pain…
Now all I hear is faint classical music and the air vent. I can’t cry.. No tears will come.. How disappointing.

Just numb.

It’s not real that it’s over and he is gone. Nothing makes sense anymore. A world without him breathing and fighting in it. What a life lessen this is, what sweet sorrow this is, the silence after a death.

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Healing Eyes

Wake me

Day One of 2014 without Andy.

I see his iPod and my iPod touching sides on the computer desk … and I cry.
I eat sticky buns for the first time and I remember how he would run out to the store in the morning to buy them for me.. and I cry.
I put the remaining sticky buns in the refrigerator and realize I am alone and he won’t be here to eat the rest.. and I cry.
I list the Nintendo Wii U on Craigs list and remember how hard he tried to convince me to by Assassins Creed 3 for it because he knew I loved that game.. and I cry.

I see Miko curled up on Andy’s and Mine blanket from our wedding.. and I cry.

It’s hard watching the puppies suffer thru this with me.. they miss Andy so much. Sometimes they stare at the door hoping he comes thru it. Is it comforting to know they miss him too? or is it added pain?

Either way I hate that he is gone and I am left alone. Alone in this empty house, at night the pain creeps in worse. My angel, my soul, my love, please come back to me… but I have to wake up and realize he’s gone. I’m 33 and widowed. No this is not the beginning of a ‘new’ life but the end of a beautiful life mixed with so much pain and suffering. How can that be turned around into something worth living for.

Goodnight Andy…visit me in my dreams PLEASE.

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Healing Eyes

Cute memory

One of the great days

Healing Eyes

No escape for the suffering

This story is for those grieving…those lost…those in pain with no end in sight. I fear by far this may be one of my darkest posts and perhaps one of many to come. The darkness enfolds me and I snuggle warmly in it. All my life my dark shadow haunts me, welcomes me in its ever warm embrace of self pity and sorrow. So easily it is to get lost in it. Each year it snags my heart and prior to this year I had little bits of light that kept it from encasing my heart. Perhaps it was God or perhaps it was Andy’s love for me. Either way I stubbornly ignored God’s voice in my head calling me back, prodding me and pushing the pain to break thru the darkness. I always liked juxtaposed metaphors..if that’s a correct way to put it. Two opposing forces that kinda complement each other.

Light..and…Dark

Each day passes by and soon another week, a month, a year will pass before my eyes. It is slow now and painful. Many think, of which I will never understand, that I am strong. I am not strong…I just learned tricks to endure pain. Maybe its all the times I stub my toe or hit my shin and then Andy would laugh at me. I bruise easily on the outside.. but inside its layers on layers of built up walls that rebuild every day to withstand this cruel world. I never really thought of this world as a ‘fallen world’ before but I think it is. This world is pain and suffering.

I read the book ‘The Shack‘ today finally. It’s a short read and powerful. It gave me comfort earlier today but then tonight it shattered my walls again. This time I fear the walls are shattered deeper than every before. People speak of stages of grief..I guess they could exist. But for me I do everything fast and process things fast.. so when faced with pain and grief it hits me extra hard. So many triggers will do it..today it was giving away some video games to be sold on ebay by a long lost friend. A piece of Andy gone..and by proximity a piece of my past story. Over and over this will happen, different triggers at any given time.

Anyone out there who went over a year of watching someone die from cancer. Please know it can get very ugly. The pain will become unbearable and you will die with your loved one each time they take chemo, drugs, ER visits, and wretched suffering of pain. Each day will get worse and worse. One day it may end and maybe one day it will be a fairy tale ending. Either way modern medicine is good and bad, chemo is poison and with a patient in late stage cancer with unlikelihood of curing it the cost is high for the poison. Many may disagree and it may be controversial but me and Andy’s story showed me each day how the poison worked. This world is cruel and unforgiving…I hope and dream that heaven will be the juxtapose to this hell on earth.
…Cancer is hell…
…..Treatments are its poison…
..In some small moments there is peace from the pain, perhaps…
…But evermore cancer will change you and I pray few have to endure long the pain of watching and feeling someone die in front of your very eyes.

This world is a whole lot darker without Andy in it… It isn’t fair that he’s gone but if anyone said life is fair they are trying to sell you something.

The moral of the story? Sorry to disappoint but I don’t have one… but maybe just maybe after this world the suffering will end and bright color will shine all around, tears will flow no more, hearts will breathe again..Faith in that will keep me alive until some day I see Andy again.

Healing Eyes

Sigh

Is it bad to feel a slight sense of peace tonight knowing that andy is in heaven?
I stare at my fire blaze and flicker and remember his broken body leaving this earth at the same moment I had my fire going and I smile. That body was so tired and bruised from cancer. The treatments for cancer are cruel and unexplainable … To keep a body alive like that for so long when the cancer is so ravenous is cruel. My andy was tortured for so long and now he rests. He rests! There must be some comfort in that.

Even with each breathe I remember his kiss, his breathe on my cheek, and his smile…they will torment me. But once and awhile I’ll wake up and smile knowing he’s healthy again even if it’s not with me.

Healing Eyes