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Author Archives: Healing Eyes

My precious

After all the hustle and bustle died down and my traveling across the globe has lessened I finally made myself sleep in Me and Andy’s bed. I can’t describe the pain that caused, the gut wretching feeling of death that came with it. Alone!
I slept pretty good though (but maybe the few drinks I had prior to sleeping and it being 2am might have played a role)…

This morning at 10:45 a.m. Andy gave me back something precious.. something I thought lost forever. I happened upon his yellow backpack. The hospital backpack that always followed with on our trips to the ER, surgeries, Chemotherapy… I went thru each pocket and found little pieces of andy. His favorite volkswagon tshirt, his underwear, power adapter.. but then in the very last pocket I saw his nintendo DS and under that was his the gold band. Our Wedding band that he couldn’t remember where he put it.. he searched everywhere for it, I searched all over the house for it last week. Now its here, on my right thumb, its scuffed and perfect! Thank you Andy so much for showing me where it was.

It’s just a ring but it was our bond. I forgot once how important that bond was.. The pain was so intense, I watched you die over and over again this year. I wanted to breathe, I needed to breathe for the both of us to survive…until the very end. My love, my other self, you have left me now and with that my heart is gone. I will never EVER take this ring off. I treasure our memories before Cancer.

SCREW CANCER! SCREW DEATH!

But never.. ever…will I stop loving you, even as imperfect as I am. You and me forever in heaven.

“There is a calm in my heart…
    There is a scream inside my soul as you were ripped away…
time heals all..
but time will not heal the gaping hole in my heart from your passing..”

Healing Eyes

My friend sleeps now. But no rest comes to me.. He was an insomniac and I think he has passed it on to me. I close my eyes and visions begin.. visions of the past. I try to hold on to the good memories, the laughs and the hugs. The cancer creeps back in.

Last night I swore Andy was holding me, I felt his arms around me and his breath on my cheek. My mind plays tricks on me or is it possible that a love so strong continues even in death? I live in between the spirit world and the earth. My mind tells me I must move on and heal, learn to love life. The spirit has other plans for me and leaves me restless. What will tonight bring?

On Andy’s last day I remember fondly his eyes..those tired eyes. When they finally closed and his breath slowed I could feel the life leave his body. This vivid moment stays with me, I can’t shake it. Some people will never feel or experience it and I say, ‘Thank God,’ because it is not for the weak. I am not a strong person…me and Andy have been tested.. but this last step is me alone. 

Can I resurface from the darkness enfolding me. It engulfs my heart and squeezes it beyond belief. To have faith in a bigger purpose, now that’s something that will take time for me to accept. God ripped Andy from this world too soon…

..

There is a silence where hath been no sound,
   There is a silence where no sound may be,
   In the cold grave—under the deep deep sea,
Or in the wide desert where no life is found,
Which hath been mute, and still must sleep profound;
   No voice is hush’d—no life treads silently,
   But clouds and cloudy shadows wander free,
That never spoke, over the idle ground:
But in green ruins, in the desolate walls
   Of antique palaces, where Man hath been,
Though the dun fox, or wild hyena, calls,
   And owls, that flit continually between,
Shriek to the echo, and the low winds moan,
There the true Silence is, self-conscious and alone.

~Thomas Hood..

Healing Eyes

Haunting pain

I wake up in the middle of the night screaming..a reminder each night that I am without Andy. He haunts my dreams. Cancer doesn’t stop at death, at night I dreamt that andy had cancer still and had two weeks left to live. Then I wake up and the fog lifts slowly and I realize he is gone and at peace already…

..

yet my peace is not coming.. I fear sleep but at the same time long for it. During the day I doze off and the puppies curl up next to me. I do not like being a single mother, they deserve to have there papa back.  Yoshi is taking it the hardest, each night he curls up on the bed and sighs. Miko curls up on Andy’s old blanket. Life is different now..each breath hurts..then I catch myself allowing a smile to sneak in and the guilt sets in.

My soul is split between two worlds.. Andy makes his presence known from time to time with such strong pain. Again pain is my constant shadow. But I think pain reminds us what Love was and what was lost. Today I sold Andy’s recliner chair to a guy who was about to have hand surgery. He lost a son at a very young age and we talked a bit about losing a loved one. One of his friends had cancer and also passed away from it. It’s odd that each day I am put in contact with strangers in grief/pain…all connected in some way.  My life is not my own..it never was.

Healing Eyes

The day after?

Each morning I’ll get up..put clothes on to veil the grief…if tears are in supply then they will flow out like a steam…if my eyes are dry then my heart will be squeezed and ache.

I will let joy come when it comes and treasure moments when I am allowed to smile. Other times the grief will be my constant companion…my dark shadow lingering in my soul. There is only a portion of my soul that remains, just enough that god left for me to survive on. I can survive on what god gives me, my portions will be small and my breathing shallow.
Everything will remind me of andy, it always has even when I travelled the world for work without him. Escape was impossible, cancer follows you everywhere, always on my heart was Andy’s pain. When two souls are bound then both feel the disease….it eats away at life and love….slithers into the gaps in your body…pollutes from the inside.

From the heights of the alps amongst so much beauty of winter glory, gods beauty, I thought of andy. I felt the cancer, it ate us both up. I scream to god, take me instead, spare andy. He won’t listen…instead he answered my prayer by relieving andy of his pain. My prayer for peace for andy was answered. Andy took all the strength away that day…I am left a shell, a shell of who I used to be.

With emptiness I can finally be filled…the grief is taking up residence now…but some day I’m told it will lessen. God I hope not! Because then I may forget what it’s like to live and feel true pain. Pain is the strongest emotion of suffering that truly wakes you up . …

Healing Eyes

Cremation

Now i lay me down to sleep…I pray The Lord my soul to keep….
Now I go to see my andy one last time before his broken body is turned to ash….numbness and sadness follow on my heels.
The final steps draw near, I know not what will remain of me, but andy sweet andy will be free for all eternity from his cancer riddled shell.

Healing Eyes

Suffering timeless

When life gives you suffering…stop and think.
When the world crashes down around you…stop and pray.
If none of this soothes than scream into a pillow.
Finally light a fire and watch the flames dance and imagine your loved one by your side. Breathe….

Then cry..

To others with terminal cancer take Andy’s journey as a model of courage and strength. He walked a long road and we both fell into the pit but crawled back out.
With death this is uncharted territory for me and sadly one I can’t lean on andy for.

At the hospital after they made him comfortable when we realized he would die. We cried, screamed, questioned everything.
It was andy that finally came to peace with the terms laid out to him. Prolong life with pain and drugs that would do nothing to stop the growth of the irreversible tumor. Or. Die in peace.

Andy knew he wanted to live, he wanted to run, smile, hug the puppies. But that was taken from him. So instead he came to peace with the fact of death. I’ve never seen him so at peace in those final hours.
I can’t describe how a person dies…I was given the life lesson of watching it on Sunday…experiencing the heart wrenching feeling of final breathes. I pray no one ever has to live thru that …. Forever will it be a part of me … A lesson to value life in all it’s splendor. Our bodies are vessels and fragile .

Work in me god to let his death not be in vain. Let me serve and have empathy to those suffering. My suffering will never end, I know that now, only on earth will I suffer.
Some day I will be free from grief like andy. If not than what a waste of space I will be.

Healing Eyes

When death comes it is beyond imagining or explaining.
I held my andy in my arms as he took his last breathe…my heart screamed out in agony. As if his pain has now transferred to my soul.
Cancer is the most vile and evil punishment….
There is no justification or reasoning behind andy dying this way.
All I can think of is how lonely it is and how I will never rollerblade, laugh, play, talk with him again.
What a grim future …
Tomorrow is the funeral…one I planned…I’ve never done that before…I don’t know why I have to learn these new things. God has a terrible sense of humor.
I hope it is a nice funeral and I didn’t screw it up…but I’m told take it one day at a time.

Easier said then done.

Hold your husbands close tonight…your pets…your stuffed animals…anything because in a flash it’s all gone.

Healing Eyes

Passing

Long time I knew for updates.

It’s been a chaotic and miserable last few months. Ups and Downs and now finally an ending that will forever change lives.

My Andy lost his battle with Gastric Cancer. It returned 3 times and claimed his precious life. No words can describe the depth of misery and loss being felt by family and friends at this moment.

The world has lost a precious man.. an amazing husband.. and an amazing soul !!!
God better appreciate the gift of Andy because we miss him

http://www.lifestorynet.com/memories/96140

 

Healing Eyes

Wake up

I’ve been quiet as of late. Lots has changed these days and lots has remained the same really.
I’ve never brought spiritual into my blogs before and even now I am hesitant because I don’t want this to become a sappy religious blog.

Life and death is real! Life is precious ! We take it for granted as people, Christians and non Christians, godly and secular….we all think we will live forever.

When you one day you wake up and realize that you’ve been seeing life thru foggy glasses. its really shocking and scarey! Andy is sick but so am I really. My soul has been sick for a long time but I didn’t know it. It’s easy to be stubborn for a long time and when finally you cave in from the pain it’s a whole new world, a beautiful and amazing world.

I am sitting in my usual spot, next to a hospital bed, and yet it feels different because I’m not alone. Off in the distance I see a storm rolling in over the horizon. It’s beautiful to see the power and intensity of nature. Each day goes by and I see life in the leaves, the wind, the air I breathe, the rain that falls on my face, and the tears that fall from my eyes. So much life all around and so much peace just on the edge of insanity. Anyone can have peace in a storm if they open their heart to it.

Today is another day and tomorrow will come whether we want it to or not. But don’t waste another minute sad or anxious. I have my anxiety for sure but during my brief moments of peace I treasure the chance to hold on tight and to hope for my light.

Healing Eyes

Freedom thru Pain?

Each day is a reminder of what was taken but also a reminder of what can be given back. I’ve had a difficult week where I was reminded that I can never have children, those words strike as hard each time they reappear. “You can’t have children”.

No I can’t but I can love and I can find other ways to be happy. I allowed myself a moment to interact with kids this week and I found it was fun, almost healing to think a kid would actually find me fun to talk to. Yes I may never have a child, bare a child, raise a child… but I can love and receive.

I’m reading a book, ‘A grief observed’, by C.S. Lewis. It’s quite interesting and heartfelt.
“One never meets just Cancer, or War, or Unhappiness (or Happiness). One only meets each hour or moment that comes. All manner of ups and downs. Many bad spots in our best times, many good ones in our worst. One never gets the total impact of what we call ‘the thing itself’. But we call it wrongly. The thing itself is simply all these ups and downs: the rest is a name or an idea.”

To me this seems to speak to me…Cancer is just a word, Unhappiness and Happiness are just words, Barren is just a word. Life is just a bunch of ups and downs and sometimes we categorize them into these simple words. We use them to justify moments, feelings, pain. I am not the smartest person in the world but I have seen suffering and pain. Sometimes it takes that Pain to wake one up from there slumber. I don’t know the future but I do feel like I am waking up and seeing life differently. The pain is always there and never goes away but it molds us into what we are, how we act, and how people perceive you. Know one can ever truly know the secrets of the another’s heart. That is between God and the heart. I slowly am realizing that God has always been there even if I was not, either way the Pain was real and will continue to crash like endless waves on a bruised soul. But that is what makes everyone unique, there journey thru pain, living with pain.

“..the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it? Who still thinks there is some device (if only he could find it) which will make pain not to be pain. It doesn’t really matter whether you grip the arms of the dentists’ chair or let your hands lie in your lap. The drill drills on.

And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling…” – C.S. Lewis

Healing Eyes