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Author Archives: Healing Eyes

Cute memory

One of the great days

Healing Eyes

No escape for the suffering

This story is for those grieving…those lost…those in pain with no end in sight. I fear by far this may be one of my darkest posts and perhaps one of many to come. The darkness enfolds me and I snuggle warmly in it. All my life my dark shadow haunts me, welcomes me in its ever warm embrace of self pity and sorrow. So easily it is to get lost in it. Each year it snags my heart and prior to this year I had little bits of light that kept it from encasing my heart. Perhaps it was God or perhaps it was Andy’s love for me. Either way I stubbornly ignored God’s voice in my head calling me back, prodding me and pushing the pain to break thru the darkness. I always liked juxtaposed metaphors..if that’s a correct way to put it. Two opposing forces that kinda complement each other.

Light..and…Dark

Each day passes by and soon another week, a month, a year will pass before my eyes. It is slow now and painful. Many think, of which I will never understand, that I am strong. I am not strong…I just learned tricks to endure pain. Maybe its all the times I stub my toe or hit my shin and then Andy would laugh at me. I bruise easily on the outside.. but inside its layers on layers of built up walls that rebuild every day to withstand this cruel world. I never really thought of this world as a ‘fallen world’ before but I think it is. This world is pain and suffering.

I read the book ‘The Shack‘ today finally. It’s a short read and powerful. It gave me comfort earlier today but then tonight it shattered my walls again. This time I fear the walls are shattered deeper than every before. People speak of stages of grief..I guess they could exist. But for me I do everything fast and process things fast.. so when faced with pain and grief it hits me extra hard. So many triggers will do it..today it was giving away some video games to be sold on ebay by a long lost friend. A piece of Andy gone..and by proximity a piece of my past story. Over and over this will happen, different triggers at any given time.

Anyone out there who went over a year of watching someone die from cancer. Please know it can get very ugly. The pain will become unbearable and you will die with your loved one each time they take chemo, drugs, ER visits, and wretched suffering of pain. Each day will get worse and worse. One day it may end and maybe one day it will be a fairy tale ending. Either way modern medicine is good and bad, chemo is poison and with a patient in late stage cancer with unlikelihood of curing it the cost is high for the poison. Many may disagree and it may be controversial but me and Andy’s story showed me each day how the poison worked. This world is cruel and unforgiving…I hope and dream that heaven will be the juxtapose to this hell on earth.
…Cancer is hell…
…..Treatments are its poison…
..In some small moments there is peace from the pain, perhaps…
…But evermore cancer will change you and I pray few have to endure long the pain of watching and feeling someone die in front of your very eyes.

This world is a whole lot darker without Andy in it… It isn’t fair that he’s gone but if anyone said life is fair they are trying to sell you something.

The moral of the story? Sorry to disappoint but I don’t have one… but maybe just maybe after this world the suffering will end and bright color will shine all around, tears will flow no more, hearts will breathe again..Faith in that will keep me alive until some day I see Andy again.

Healing Eyes

Sigh

Is it bad to feel a slight sense of peace tonight knowing that andy is in heaven?
I stare at my fire blaze and flicker and remember his broken body leaving this earth at the same moment I had my fire going and I smile. That body was so tired and bruised from cancer. The treatments for cancer are cruel and unexplainable … To keep a body alive like that for so long when the cancer is so ravenous is cruel. My andy was tortured for so long and now he rests. He rests! There must be some comfort in that.

Even with each breathe I remember his kiss, his breathe on my cheek, and his smile…they will torment me. But once and awhile I’ll wake up and smile knowing he’s healthy again even if it’s not with me.

Healing Eyes

My precious

After all the hustle and bustle died down and my traveling across the globe has lessened I finally made myself sleep in Me and Andy’s bed. I can’t describe the pain that caused, the gut wretching feeling of death that came with it. Alone!
I slept pretty good though (but maybe the few drinks I had prior to sleeping and it being 2am might have played a role)…

This morning at 10:45 a.m. Andy gave me back something precious.. something I thought lost forever. I happened upon his yellow backpack. The hospital backpack that always followed with on our trips to the ER, surgeries, Chemotherapy… I went thru each pocket and found little pieces of andy. His favorite volkswagon tshirt, his underwear, power adapter.. but then in the very last pocket I saw his nintendo DS and under that was his the gold band. Our Wedding band that he couldn’t remember where he put it.. he searched everywhere for it, I searched all over the house for it last week. Now its here, on my right thumb, its scuffed and perfect! Thank you Andy so much for showing me where it was.

It’s just a ring but it was our bond. I forgot once how important that bond was.. The pain was so intense, I watched you die over and over again this year. I wanted to breathe, I needed to breathe for the both of us to survive…until the very end. My love, my other self, you have left me now and with that my heart is gone. I will never EVER take this ring off. I treasure our memories before Cancer.

SCREW CANCER! SCREW DEATH!

But never.. ever…will I stop loving you, even as imperfect as I am. You and me forever in heaven.

“There is a calm in my heart…
    There is a scream inside my soul as you were ripped away…
time heals all..
but time will not heal the gaping hole in my heart from your passing..”

Healing Eyes

My friend sleeps now. But no rest comes to me.. He was an insomniac and I think he has passed it on to me. I close my eyes and visions begin.. visions of the past. I try to hold on to the good memories, the laughs and the hugs. The cancer creeps back in.

Last night I swore Andy was holding me, I felt his arms around me and his breath on my cheek. My mind plays tricks on me or is it possible that a love so strong continues even in death? I live in between the spirit world and the earth. My mind tells me I must move on and heal, learn to love life. The spirit has other plans for me and leaves me restless. What will tonight bring?

On Andy’s last day I remember fondly his eyes..those tired eyes. When they finally closed and his breath slowed I could feel the life leave his body. This vivid moment stays with me, I can’t shake it. Some people will never feel or experience it and I say, ‘Thank God,’ because it is not for the weak. I am not a strong person…me and Andy have been tested.. but this last step is me alone. 

Can I resurface from the darkness enfolding me. It engulfs my heart and squeezes it beyond belief. To have faith in a bigger purpose, now that’s something that will take time for me to accept. God ripped Andy from this world too soon…

..

There is a silence where hath been no sound,
   There is a silence where no sound may be,
   In the cold grave—under the deep deep sea,
Or in the wide desert where no life is found,
Which hath been mute, and still must sleep profound;
   No voice is hush’d—no life treads silently,
   But clouds and cloudy shadows wander free,
That never spoke, over the idle ground:
But in green ruins, in the desolate walls
   Of antique palaces, where Man hath been,
Though the dun fox, or wild hyena, calls,
   And owls, that flit continually between,
Shriek to the echo, and the low winds moan,
There the true Silence is, self-conscious and alone.

~Thomas Hood..

Healing Eyes

Haunting pain

I wake up in the middle of the night screaming..a reminder each night that I am without Andy. He haunts my dreams. Cancer doesn’t stop at death, at night I dreamt that andy had cancer still and had two weeks left to live. Then I wake up and the fog lifts slowly and I realize he is gone and at peace already…

..

yet my peace is not coming.. I fear sleep but at the same time long for it. During the day I doze off and the puppies curl up next to me. I do not like being a single mother, they deserve to have there papa back.  Yoshi is taking it the hardest, each night he curls up on the bed and sighs. Miko curls up on Andy’s old blanket. Life is different now..each breath hurts..then I catch myself allowing a smile to sneak in and the guilt sets in.

My soul is split between two worlds.. Andy makes his presence known from time to time with such strong pain. Again pain is my constant shadow. But I think pain reminds us what Love was and what was lost. Today I sold Andy’s recliner chair to a guy who was about to have hand surgery. He lost a son at a very young age and we talked a bit about losing a loved one. One of his friends had cancer and also passed away from it. It’s odd that each day I am put in contact with strangers in grief/pain…all connected in some way.  My life is not my own..it never was.

Healing Eyes

The day after?

Each morning I’ll get up..put clothes on to veil the grief…if tears are in supply then they will flow out like a steam…if my eyes are dry then my heart will be squeezed and ache.

I will let joy come when it comes and treasure moments when I am allowed to smile. Other times the grief will be my constant companion…my dark shadow lingering in my soul. There is only a portion of my soul that remains, just enough that god left for me to survive on. I can survive on what god gives me, my portions will be small and my breathing shallow.
Everything will remind me of andy, it always has even when I travelled the world for work without him. Escape was impossible, cancer follows you everywhere, always on my heart was Andy’s pain. When two souls are bound then both feel the disease….it eats away at life and love….slithers into the gaps in your body…pollutes from the inside.

From the heights of the alps amongst so much beauty of winter glory, gods beauty, I thought of andy. I felt the cancer, it ate us both up. I scream to god, take me instead, spare andy. He won’t listen…instead he answered my prayer by relieving andy of his pain. My prayer for peace for andy was answered. Andy took all the strength away that day…I am left a shell, a shell of who I used to be.

With emptiness I can finally be filled…the grief is taking up residence now…but some day I’m told it will lessen. God I hope not! Because then I may forget what it’s like to live and feel true pain. Pain is the strongest emotion of suffering that truly wakes you up . …

Healing Eyes

Cremation

Now i lay me down to sleep…I pray The Lord my soul to keep….
Now I go to see my andy one last time before his broken body is turned to ash….numbness and sadness follow on my heels.
The final steps draw near, I know not what will remain of me, but andy sweet andy will be free for all eternity from his cancer riddled shell.

Healing Eyes

Suffering timeless

When life gives you suffering…stop and think.
When the world crashes down around you…stop and pray.
If none of this soothes than scream into a pillow.
Finally light a fire and watch the flames dance and imagine your loved one by your side. Breathe….

Then cry..

To others with terminal cancer take Andy’s journey as a model of courage and strength. He walked a long road and we both fell into the pit but crawled back out.
With death this is uncharted territory for me and sadly one I can’t lean on andy for.

At the hospital after they made him comfortable when we realized he would die. We cried, screamed, questioned everything.
It was andy that finally came to peace with the terms laid out to him. Prolong life with pain and drugs that would do nothing to stop the growth of the irreversible tumor. Or. Die in peace.

Andy knew he wanted to live, he wanted to run, smile, hug the puppies. But that was taken from him. So instead he came to peace with the fact of death. I’ve never seen him so at peace in those final hours.
I can’t describe how a person dies…I was given the life lesson of watching it on Sunday…experiencing the heart wrenching feeling of final breathes. I pray no one ever has to live thru that …. Forever will it be a part of me … A lesson to value life in all it’s splendor. Our bodies are vessels and fragile .

Work in me god to let his death not be in vain. Let me serve and have empathy to those suffering. My suffering will never end, I know that now, only on earth will I suffer.
Some day I will be free from grief like andy. If not than what a waste of space I will be.

Healing Eyes

When death comes it is beyond imagining or explaining.
I held my andy in my arms as he took his last breathe…my heart screamed out in agony. As if his pain has now transferred to my soul.
Cancer is the most vile and evil punishment….
There is no justification or reasoning behind andy dying this way.
All I can think of is how lonely it is and how I will never rollerblade, laugh, play, talk with him again.
What a grim future …
Tomorrow is the funeral…one I planned…I’ve never done that before…I don’t know why I have to learn these new things. God has a terrible sense of humor.
I hope it is a nice funeral and I didn’t screw it up…but I’m told take it one day at a time.

Easier said then done.

Hold your husbands close tonight…your pets…your stuffed animals…anything because in a flash it’s all gone.

Healing Eyes