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Author Archives: Healing Eyes

Last long day

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At the cancer Center getting our last chemotherapy. Well last long day at least. Here’s hoping it kills the bad stuff and leaves the healthy Andy behind. Can’t wait for April to come when we get more scans to see what’s going on inside.

Healing Eyes

Looking a wee bit ahead

I don’t think we are alone when instead of having the luxury of time and feeling like we are invisible. Its time to plan for the “now” and the “what if”. So it’s time to learn about writing a living will..power of attorney..and all that good stuff people try not to think of because its the hard truth. The door one never wants to open or discuss because it reminds you of the unknown and the chance that tomorrow may not be there always.
Now…
We could decide to hide our heads in the mud and go lalalalala…
Or..
We can face the fact that we now LIVE with cancer (his name is bob, sorry all those bob’s out there, I just like that name)…we now LIVE each day as if its our last…and we will learn to love even stronger each day the bond that holds us together. Every day is hard but that’s just life and we have to keep breathing and finding little moments of joy that can multiply.

So tomorrow will come and go and we will face some hard truths and decisions but then the next day it will be ok because andy is alive and beating cancer. He’s not giving up and we will keep drudging along till one day we can’t…but that’s not at least a good bazillion years from now.

Today is Monday…tomorrow isn’t here yet;)

Healing Eyes

Try less

“Some days it’s not worth chewing thru the restraints”

My favorite sign read that today. On a day where it does feel pointless to fight the inevitable.
Andy started new pain meds the other day.
I wonder how many other 33 year olds there are out there with cancer .. And out of those which have lost there stomach .. And out of those had lymph nodes infected .. And out of those live in Michigan .. And out of those are married .. And out of those are childless .. And out of those have a wife that loves them.

Infinite what ifs…

Some days, hours, and minutes of the day it’s not worth chewing thru our restraints.

Tomorrow we travel to Ohio. A road trip before chemo next week. My expectations are low as to not expect too much from the trip. Never expect a lot that way you can always be pleasantly surprised..ha.

Healing Eyes

The Power of Patient Blogs: A Window Into the Lived Experience

Healing Eyes

Our life the comedy

Everyone around me is moving on with there lives. I am now 33 years old, I have 2 dogs and 1 cat and 1 husband. A lovely house, a car for driving to work and 2 cars of my own to play with during the summer. I have many hobbies to pass the time. Those really are great positives to have.

Yet..

Still..

Each day I can’t shut out that others are having babies, adopting kids, traveling to exciting places, living normal lives. The American motto is if you try hard at something and you really want it than it will come true….
Billboards, advertisements, comedians, commercials, Facebook, they all are reminders of what can’t be. Some days I’m ok with that, hell someday I am ecstatic We don’t have kids and we play when we want to and do what we want.
But then fucking cancer came and pulled all of those past moments of loss back up for us. Reminding us that when you start to feel better that the bad is so close behind. Now when we think we have it together it just takes one peek inside someone else’s happy life to shatter our spirits. Smiling one moment and then collapse.

We tried to go to an event at Gilda’s club for laugh fest, I thought it would be a fun escape, nope just the opposite. First thing to understand is this..it was for people in there 20s and 30s.

Ok, maybe I expected to see kids when we first got there because daycare is provided for free.
Ok, I can so handle that slap in the face.
Ok, pizza was yummy..score.
But then starts the comedian, first words out of his mouth are about breast feeding…then he gets into having kids…then he talks about death and not wanting to be strapped to a wife for all eternity. Now step back.. Everyone there finds it funny, ok…?. So I grabbed my coat and walked out In tears.
It was the perfect mixture of everything that crashes our world into pieces.

I was reading a blog the other day of someone who is a caregiver for Her dad dealing with cancer. As I read it I felt, not alone, yes she had kids and I don’t and never will, but her pain felt so real. She was putting her words out there even if it doesn’t fix the pain.
My pointless writing may be pointless and depressing to read but maybe it can connect with someone else who feels alone. I feel so alone. I miss my andy and I love him so much it breaks my heart. I physically hurt because he hurts, I get bitchy because he hurts, I want to scream because he can’t. I listen to andy talk and I don’t recognize his voice at times. His voice sounds higher and rougher…I can hear pain in it even if I’m imagining it. Some days I hear HIM again…we hug again..and maybe sneak a kiss. In a moment it’s over, but my Andy is still alive and I am still here, so tomorrow may bring another stolen moment between us where our love can breathe life into our broken bodies again. I’ll wait for the physical pain to lessen, I’ll wait for chemo to end, I’ll endure the more ct scans and doctors visits, and I’ll even shovel the driveway all winter long (I kinda like doing that but I can’t let andy know otherwise next winter I may inherit more responsibilities)

Healing Eyes

Involuntary breathe

Finding the will to go on is an elusive thing.
It’s something you can’t really find. It’s as if you are trying to find breathe but its just there.
Stand out in the winter cold and breathe out and you can see your breathe… You cant find what was always there inside.

Looking for the will to survive, be strong, live, isn’t anywhere to be found. It’s involuntary and always there even when you are drowning In tears and the fear of tomorrow. You just go on….
To tell someone to be strong is saying “be you”, as I can only be what I am with all of its limitations.

And so be ‘me’ is what andy will get. Even if its just me being in the house, going to doctor appointments, being coherent enough to listen to his whimpering and sighs of pain.
This may never end..at least we will always be ‘us’ in one shape or another.

Healing Eyes

Pieces of a dream lost

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August 2012 our life changed forever. September 2012 we put adoption on hold for what might be infinitely. November 26, 2012 Andy lost his stomach and our life changed forever. January 2013 chemotherapy started again and won’t end until march 2013. Today we are in pieces.. Our hearts are bruised.. Our dreams fading.. Cancer survivors in the world you went thru a similar journey.. You woke up one day and screamed in horror as the diagnosis was read. You live each day of treatment feeling no end in sight. You heard others give there empty encouragement as most people don’t know what the pain is like. You know what I know, that every day is a surprise. I only am a caregiver.. I look silently from the sidelines while Andy struggles to move, to breathe, to smile. I only know the emotional pain.. Bring torn to pieces rip by rip. There is no happy without agony. There are no words that can fix… Which makes this blog pointless.

Healing Eyes

Smile

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Ok.. Seriously Big balloon at my desk. Kinda creepy but it did make me smile.

Healing Eyes

Thinning out

It’s a sign of the stage we are at when 6 hours at the cancer Center we have watched people come and go while we still sit here. It’s thinning out those who get less chemo from those who have to stay hour after hour.
The chemo is good for Andy and yet it’s also scarey to think of how much chemo he is getting. So much pain and waiting…waiting for it to end. It will never be the same.. After chemo we will always be scarred from these visits.
The iv meds drip drip drip and give Andy strength but also it takes away so much. If you have ever gone thru this agonizing treatment you can understand the insurmountable feeling of helplessness.

One can never predict there future but Damn, this is beyond imagining!

Be grateful if you have no idea what this pain feels like.

Healing Eyes

Basket surprise

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Today I got a basket from a mystery person at work. Miko got her new pink sweatshirt in the mail too. Now off to lunch with Andy’s coworkers.

Healing Eyes