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Author Archives: Healing Eyes

Ride, walk, eat with friends

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Made Andy smile

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Took Andy and pups for a walk..

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Went for a bike ride finally and got 20 miles in before lunch time..

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Miko had fun with her stick. Had friends come with who cared. Ate hotdogs at papa dogs. So that’s 4 of the items on my plan. Now it’s time to relax and watch movies.

Healing Eyes

A plan..

Breathe in …. and …. sigh
Being around people hurts
Its all a cruel game on trying to pretend that I’m ok

Ok that it’s another year passed by
Ok that we can’t have children
Ok that my true love hurts
Ok that I can’t make his pain go away
Ok that chemo starts soon

ok that I have three me’s fighting over me.
The first is the loving wife, to stay strong and never give in.
Second is the career woman, trying to keep the brain functioning while I feel powerless to move ahead.
The third one is my dark shadow, always there waiting to pounce on signs of weakness, every day it slithers out and drags me to the reality that cancer is hurting us.

It’s easy to Know what one should do to survive…putting it into action is a whole different challenge.
A wise man said to me, “You need a plan and follow it.”
That sounds simple…
1. Exercise
2. Eat
3. Make andy smile
4. Have quiet time to reflect or read
5. Know my limitations and seek people who care

I’ve done 2.5 of those things so far. Tomorrow who knows I might just succeed in four!

Healing Eyes

Glimpses of good

Ahheeee finally something happy to report. We just finished a romantic dinner for one in Holland. Andy is a cheap date!

We are shooting guns next week Tuesday to release steam (legally).

And

My heart isn’t feeling squeezed like an orange. A little break and glimpse of our usual selves.

Now I just need to pull off a kayak outing before the rivers freeze and I might just might be happy before chemo

Healing Eyes

oh I love Andy

Healing Eyes

Mockery

“You mock my pain! Life is pain, anyone who says otherwise is obviously selling something!” William Goldman, the princess bride.

Anyone that says pain makes you stronger is grasping for words to lessen your pain. To lessen our pain would be to deprive us of life. To turn a phrase. Confused yet?

Close your eyes and then open them…what do you see? Well I keep hoping for a different view. We did that that 6 months ago and opened our eyes and wish granted…different view on life but still pain. What does this all mean …. I think it’s sinking in and the answer was there all along. Pain is inevitable no matter the dose.
Drink up sweet, sour pain.. Dink up that life! That moment of anything!

We are told how strong we are. I say no we are not strong..we just merely are living because we have no other choice.

Career change..I think I remember now why I enjoyed poetry so much. I think I’ll read again, muse again, write again.

Healing Eyes

Craving dirt

Cravings from b12 deficiency are dirt, detergent, and pounds of ice chips…you said what?
I’m busy scratching down notes the doctor is rattling off and she says andy will want to eat soap.
No explanation it’s just an odd symptom that most patients report.

The radiation doctor was very nice after we waited an hour to see her because another patient had fainted or something because of low sugar. But eventually she told us what we expected. She has no specific plan for us either. It appears we have picked a cancer that has no standard cure because of the late stage it was in and the large area it consumed.

What to do…we were given speculations and clinical trials..I suggested another recipe and the doc said hmm yea that could work too.

It seems we r to wait a bit longer for more doctors to give there wishy washy opinions and in 2 weeks I think it’s going to be a consensus to do aggressive chemo again and then possibly try radiation if we think Andy’s body can handle it.

My one question was how much can andy take of the poison before it destroys us and at what cost. No matter what, cancer is here to stay, and lurks in the shadows either way we go. Now we have to accept that reality and prepare for the pain to come and remain sane.

Healing Eyes

Fairy tale

Greater pain than losing a child…True pain is to have the hope of having a child one day taken away…from a tv show, once upon a time. The king poisons Snow White so she never can carry a child.
In True fairy tale style she finds a counter potion to cure her.

Healing Eyes

Life isn’t fair..so deal with it

“It appears to me as if we’re doomed then,” buttercup said. Wesley looked at her, “doomed madam?”
“To be together. Until one of us dies.”
“I’ve done that already, and I haven’t the slightest intention of ever doing it again”, Wesley said.
Buttercup looked at him, “don’t we sort of have to sometime?”
“Not if we promise to outlive each other, and I make that promise now.”…

My favorite quote from the book…
“Life isn’t fair. It’s just fairer than death is all.”

It feels like princess bride is a reflection of our story (minus the sword fighting and royalty of course). We both will die sometime but we can try to make the best of the time we have together now:) I mean at least we know what’s chasing us, that gives us the upper hand!

Healing Eyes

Scar tissue thickens

Oncologist still debating on next steps. Chemo most likely.. Radiation seems not an option but not positive yet.
Next Tuesday we go back to hear more hypothetical treatment to choose.
In next two weeks I bet Andy will be on chemo.
Now it’s not the treatment that really matters… It’s allowing ourselves to be happy knowing tumor is out. And to finally come to grips with the inevitable decision to not renew home study for adoption…. Our social worker would need to assess our marriage and our mental state once treatment is over…
Nothing like always being under a microscope to prove ourselves worthy of happiness. For most normal people they get the family and normalcy of being married with kids by now… But that’s not our journey… I just wish I could accept defeat when it blatantly stares back at me.
Damn you determination and denial.

Healing Eyes

Is there a fix

If you broke your arm you go straight to the doctor and get a cast put on…some weeks later your arm is fixed.
If you catch a cold you take some pills and your fixed.
With asthma you take an inhaler every day and problem solved.
When your told that you are cancer free because they removed the tumor you don’t go home feeling better. Instead you leave with a numb feeling of uncertainty.
You are given a couple options of poison they will pump into your veins to kill any cancer left over but remember the doctor just said cancer free a moment before.
It’s a strange predicament .. She said to us we are now in the “survivor” club but still have more chemo to come. It’s saying hey you won but lost.
Now every day, month, and year we have cancer by our side and in our veins.

In a couple weeks the treatment will start and I will watch my andy suffer, but I won’t go anywhere because let’s face it I love him far too much. I would go thru the fire swamp and the snow sands day after day if it meant another moment at Andy’s side watching him breathe.

Healing Eyes