• sarah@healingeyes.org

Author Archives: Healing Eyes

Remembering to smile

It’s hard to tell which was worse.
Being diagnosed or living without a stomach. Outside looking in I can’t paint the entire picture but it seems living without a stomach will be the biggest challenge yet for us.

Thursday we start the first cycle of chemo. A couple days after andy will feel the worst and slowly begin to build backup until the next cycle. Three times it will happen and three times we will remember how to live.

How can we smile around others when we know what lies ahead. All things once happy now are just faded memories. We have forgotten how to smile, replaced now by an emptiness.
Time continues on …
Mistakes are made …
Scars heal …
And time moves on … still

Healing Eyes

Round 2 ‘i think’

What’s the story dude!

Well yesterday we met with the Oncologist (who i just noticed is pregnant so thats delightful to have to see while going over the misery to come with chemo). I think Karma has a big bullseye on our foreheads and is just throwing everything all at once at it to see how much you can break a person.

We talked about the chemo plan, which really means we just stared at each other and said, ‘yup andy feels like poo still, yup he still isn’t holding his weight, and oh yea yup he has to do the same chemo regiment as prior to surgery’.  The only thing different is we are trying for the chemo pill so that he doesn’t have to be reunited with Philipé the pump again…mixed feelings on that one since we know what the side effects are like on that, we dont know what the pill will do to him.

We now wait for nurse Katie to call us and set up the game plan which most likely will start next week thursday. The sooner the better we say! Let’s get this shit over with and then get Andy back to work before he goes crazy from watching the Maury show.

None of this means we will ever be rid of cancer or live happily ever after. Lets get chemo done and then get on with the 3 month checkups for any reoccurrence of cancer somewhere else…then I guess we will go from there. YES ever the optimistic I am!

Healing Eyes

Bang

Two confirmed ways to relieve stress.
Bicycling and shooting guns.

Shooting guns is by far the most effective way to say, “screw you cancer and stress”! The first loud bang of a semi automatic hand gun being shot off near you sends adrenaline thru your body.
Then it’s your turn….deep breath…hold the gun in the right hand and grip it with your left, the fear of the kick back, fear of the spark…it all leads up to a rush of excitement and giddiness.
Bruised thumb and a little cut from the recoil…worth it.

It’s so true…until you go thru terrible shit in life you have know idea who will step up to help you. Most likely its someone you would never have dreamed of. take whatever opportunity you can to get thru the lows, even if it is only a brief break, to remember what happy times can be like. Everyone needs a reminder that your are allowed to smile…even if its thru the line of sight on a handgun.

Thanks don and Marybeth…that’s just what andy and I needed before starting chemo again…a nice shoot out followed by pleasant chat around the dinner table and free home cooked meal.

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Healing Eyes

Ride, walk, eat with friends

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Made Andy smile

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Took Andy and pups for a walk..

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Went for a bike ride finally and got 20 miles in before lunch time..

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Miko had fun with her stick. Had friends come with who cared. Ate hotdogs at papa dogs. So that’s 4 of the items on my plan. Now it’s time to relax and watch movies.

Healing Eyes

A plan..

Breathe in …. and …. sigh
Being around people hurts
Its all a cruel game on trying to pretend that I’m ok

Ok that it’s another year passed by
Ok that we can’t have children
Ok that my true love hurts
Ok that I can’t make his pain go away
Ok that chemo starts soon

ok that I have three me’s fighting over me.
The first is the loving wife, to stay strong and never give in.
Second is the career woman, trying to keep the brain functioning while I feel powerless to move ahead.
The third one is my dark shadow, always there waiting to pounce on signs of weakness, every day it slithers out and drags me to the reality that cancer is hurting us.

It’s easy to Know what one should do to survive…putting it into action is a whole different challenge.
A wise man said to me, “You need a plan and follow it.”
That sounds simple…
1. Exercise
2. Eat
3. Make andy smile
4. Have quiet time to reflect or read
5. Know my limitations and seek people who care

I’ve done 2.5 of those things so far. Tomorrow who knows I might just succeed in four!

Healing Eyes

Glimpses of good

Ahheeee finally something happy to report. We just finished a romantic dinner for one in Holland. Andy is a cheap date!

We are shooting guns next week Tuesday to release steam (legally).

And

My heart isn’t feeling squeezed like an orange. A little break and glimpse of our usual selves.

Now I just need to pull off a kayak outing before the rivers freeze and I might just might be happy before chemo

Healing Eyes

oh I love Andy

Healing Eyes

Mockery

“You mock my pain! Life is pain, anyone who says otherwise is obviously selling something!” William Goldman, the princess bride.

Anyone that says pain makes you stronger is grasping for words to lessen your pain. To lessen our pain would be to deprive us of life. To turn a phrase. Confused yet?

Close your eyes and then open them…what do you see? Well I keep hoping for a different view. We did that that 6 months ago and opened our eyes and wish granted…different view on life but still pain. What does this all mean …. I think it’s sinking in and the answer was there all along. Pain is inevitable no matter the dose.
Drink up sweet, sour pain.. Dink up that life! That moment of anything!

We are told how strong we are. I say no we are not strong..we just merely are living because we have no other choice.

Career change..I think I remember now why I enjoyed poetry so much. I think I’ll read again, muse again, write again.

Healing Eyes

Craving dirt

Cravings from b12 deficiency are dirt, detergent, and pounds of ice chips…you said what?
I’m busy scratching down notes the doctor is rattling off and she says andy will want to eat soap.
No explanation it’s just an odd symptom that most patients report.

The radiation doctor was very nice after we waited an hour to see her because another patient had fainted or something because of low sugar. But eventually she told us what we expected. She has no specific plan for us either. It appears we have picked a cancer that has no standard cure because of the late stage it was in and the large area it consumed.

What to do…we were given speculations and clinical trials..I suggested another recipe and the doc said hmm yea that could work too.

It seems we r to wait a bit longer for more doctors to give there wishy washy opinions and in 2 weeks I think it’s going to be a consensus to do aggressive chemo again and then possibly try radiation if we think Andy’s body can handle it.

My one question was how much can andy take of the poison before it destroys us and at what cost. No matter what, cancer is here to stay, and lurks in the shadows either way we go. Now we have to accept that reality and prepare for the pain to come and remain sane.

Healing Eyes

Fairy tale

Greater pain than losing a child…True pain is to have the hope of having a child one day taken away…from a tv show, once upon a time. The king poisons Snow White so she never can carry a child.
In True fairy tale style she finds a counter potion to cure her.

Healing Eyes