• sarah@healingeyes.org

Author Archives: Healing Eyes

Life isn’t fair..so deal with it

“It appears to me as if we’re doomed then,” buttercup said. Wesley looked at her, “doomed madam?”
“To be together. Until one of us dies.”
“I’ve done that already, and I haven’t the slightest intention of ever doing it again”, Wesley said.
Buttercup looked at him, “don’t we sort of have to sometime?”
“Not if we promise to outlive each other, and I make that promise now.”…

My favorite quote from the book…
“Life isn’t fair. It’s just fairer than death is all.”

It feels like princess bride is a reflection of our story (minus the sword fighting and royalty of course). We both will die sometime but we can try to make the best of the time we have together now:) I mean at least we know what’s chasing us, that gives us the upper hand!

Healing Eyes

Scar tissue thickens

Oncologist still debating on next steps. Chemo most likely.. Radiation seems not an option but not positive yet.
Next Tuesday we go back to hear more hypothetical treatment to choose.
In next two weeks I bet Andy will be on chemo.
Now it’s not the treatment that really matters… It’s allowing ourselves to be happy knowing tumor is out. And to finally come to grips with the inevitable decision to not renew home study for adoption…. Our social worker would need to assess our marriage and our mental state once treatment is over…
Nothing like always being under a microscope to prove ourselves worthy of happiness. For most normal people they get the family and normalcy of being married with kids by now… But that’s not our journey… I just wish I could accept defeat when it blatantly stares back at me.
Damn you determination and denial.

Healing Eyes

Is there a fix

If you broke your arm you go straight to the doctor and get a cast put on…some weeks later your arm is fixed.
If you catch a cold you take some pills and your fixed.
With asthma you take an inhaler every day and problem solved.
When your told that you are cancer free because they removed the tumor you don’t go home feeling better. Instead you leave with a numb feeling of uncertainty.
You are given a couple options of poison they will pump into your veins to kill any cancer left over but remember the doctor just said cancer free a moment before.
It’s a strange predicament .. She said to us we are now in the “survivor” club but still have more chemo to come. It’s saying hey you won but lost.
Now every day, month, and year we have cancer by our side and in our veins.

In a couple weeks the treatment will start and I will watch my andy suffer, but I won’t go anywhere because let’s face it I love him far too much. I would go thru the fire swamp and the snow sands day after day if it meant another moment at Andy’s side watching him breathe.

Healing Eyes


I dread tomorrow.
I remember the tv show House where there was the best friend who played an oncologist. His office looks nothing like ours, and I remember the episode where the oncologist is diagnosed with cancer and refuses chemo because he knows how painful it is.
Our doctor visit is nothing like House.
Our cure doesn’t come in a hour long episode. We have no magic tv cure. It’s not lupus.

Stay tuned for a rerun episode as chemo will most likely be the treatment..but maybe a twist of radiation.

Healing Eyes

A Post to those that Get it

If you are new to this blog and you stumbled upon it by chance while searching for keywords ‘cancer’ stomach cancer’ ‘gastric cancer than this post is for you.

We started this blog to update family and friends about Andy’s health updates. But I think this blog can do more than menial updates on treatments and doctor visits.

If you are a caregiver and are living with cancer thru your spouse or loved ones than I understand and reach out to you..the quiet readers looking for some meaning in why Cancer has chosen you.

If you try to scream at the top of your lungs but nothing comes out because you fear you might explode..or that someone might hear you and not understand than I get you.

Cancer .. the ‘c’ word… the evil shadow that consumes your life it has to be beatable. It can’t always win. There are survivors, its getting past the Diagnosis and treatments that is the true test of someones strength. If you can get past that then thats when you use the word ‘hope’. Now is the time to Fight and endure.. Endurance!

Life is fragile and it can disappear in an instant..living each day as if it were your last now that’s something to strive for. If you are living with cancer like us and really Understand than Scream out as loud as you can today but tomorrow wake up and smile because its a new day and you have another chance to breathe.

Healing Eyes

Fire swamp

We are trapped in the fire swamp, trying to find our way thru the trees and dangerous fire bursts. There is a phenomenon called snow sand, you can’t see it very well while walking but the instant your foot touches it your are engulfed. It is a slow suffocation as you fall for what seems an eternity to the bottomless pit. The grains of Sand are so fine that it feels like snow, so you don’t notice it’s silently suffocating you by filling in your ears and nostrils and the instant you open your mouth for air it will consume you.

Our feet have slipped and the snow sand has taken us, it was a quick fall and as hard as we spread our arms out to slow the fall we still plummet. As I scream out for help my lungs fill quickly.
But then a vine is tossed in and it’s just within my grasp, I reach and reach because I know I must live on…we both must live on. Slowly I pull and pull, fighting back the sand. Once on the surface, air doesn’t come easily, it’s a feeling of death and dreaming.

It’s a suffocation of grief and fear consuming us. The fear of traveling thru this fire swamp is immense, the sands are always there and strike fast. Each time we rise and clasp tightly to each other until the spasms of fear subside.

Fear and time are now our enemy. Too much fear and not enough time.

But today we have each other to fight the journey ..tomorrow we have friends and family to throw a vine…and the next day is just the next day, it holds the unknown…

Fighting the fear is the hardest battle
Next is the cancer
And finally the future that we can never predict is always looming.

Healing Eyes



We went to Gilda’s club and did the gemstone bead class. It was….interesting…awkward…and small.
The class fills up fast but there were only 4 older ladies there. Lots of beads, so I can’t complain, it was kinda fun.
We walk in the door, me and andy, one guy in a room with beads… It wasn’t a structured class, just grab and string the beads.
I’m not thinkin ill do it again, it always feels odd going to Gilda’s..it’s like we don’t belong.. Even though andy has cancer it still feels forced to be there.

Ah sigh…stress level 9.4…

Healing Eyes

Miko birthday

This recliner is amazing. It truly is a cloud! I should have bought two of them.

Next steps…December 26 meet with oncologist for chemo and see gastric doc to get the feeding tube removed!

Andy has been eating great. Last two days were all real food so he’s had pizza, egg sandwich, bacon, noodles, ravioli, oh and too many cookies (causes the shakes so I’m gonna have to monitor the intake).
All in all with the holidays and cancer still looming above us we are alive and breathing. Even if it is hard days ahead, I suppose that’s our normal.

Oh miko turned 7 today ! Happy birthday little girl, enjoy your Kamari ball.


Healing Eyes

My name is Inigo Montoya and you killed my father..

I read ‘Princess Bride’ to Andy as a bedtime story now. Our life is a lot like the cliffs of insanity, we have climbed them before and nearly fallen off but with a quick jab of the fist into the rock we climbed above the loss of life and dreams we held so tight to.
Now the story replays as we climb the cliffs of insanity once more. This time the cliffs are higher and more dangerous. The chance of falling ever more devastating than loss of life we never knew.

  • Fezzik the giant is like the huge tumor that was big and dumb inside Andy’s tummy, we smashed that out with a rock.


  • The Sicilian thinks he is so wise and can predict everything, plan each day, scheme and plot, and nothing can go wrong and yet the Man in Black gains on him.

Inconceivable… I dont think that word means what you think it means.

  • Princess buttercup has lost true love and vows to never love again..she doesn’t know that true love is still trying to save her.
  • The man in black is delayed in the pit of despair while his true love is to marry another
  • Miracle Max asks what is there to live for? Too bluff, Truuue love…there is no greater thing than TRUE LOVE!

Our story is of True love, it can’t be broken by loss of a child, or of a dream to adopt, its inconceivable to separate Andy’s heart from mine. We started¬†with¬†a diagnosis of cancer, which then turned into surgery, and now it is ‘living with cancer’. Even though the next few months will still be more treatment with unknown results, cancer will always be there, it will forever be our cliffs of insanity..

My name is Gastric Cancer Stage 3b, you have killed our dreams.. prepare to die.

Healing Eyes

Knitting to soothe soul


Clearing the mind and heart to process the doctors words today. Next few months will be a struggle… That is the story of our life. But at least my knitting skills are improving.

Healing Eyes