• sarah@healingeyes.org

Author Archives: Healing Eyes

1..2…3…4 tell me that it’s our turn yet

Not to count but it’s hard when you get a bill every month from the agency that counts for you. 4 months with our profile active. I guess looking back that seems fast. From the first day we lost our first baby to the difficult months that followed …and finally to choosing adoption. We have come a loooooong way and have many miles to travel yet.
One day at a time, one hour, one minute of every day brings us closer to meeting our child.

Hang on to the hope … for anyone else in the same journey as us.

Healing Eyes

oh the spinning

from the moment you go down the road towards adoption there is a feeling of loss on both parties involved. The hope is that out of the loss can spring some good for the parents and the little child in the center of it all.
Some people turn to adoption as a way to just grow there already existing family. while others, like us, choose adoption because growing a family the ‘traditional’ way escapes them. Coming to terms with this is a part of the process.
There is a book I love to turn back to called ‘Dear Birthmother’ by Kathleen Silber & Phylis Speedlin. Our agency required it as reading and although at the beginning we groaned when we heard there was reading assignments it turned out to be a very positive homework assignment.
I find myself re-reading passages to remind myself I am not alone.

“When they completed the home study process and their “Birthmother letter”, they were thrilled and relieved. They could simply look forward to the baby’s arrival. This waiting period, however, also proved difficult. Marisa found herself waiting daily for the phone to ring. They soon began to wonder if they would ever get their call. Once more they were reminded that their destiny was out of their control.”

“Society, in addition, does not assist the adoptive couple in preparing for their role change to parenthood. Even family members and friends may not provide approving support to the adoptive couple. This can be partly explained because the couple shows no outward signs that they will soon be parents. More significant, however, is in the general lack of understanding of adoption….individual reactions will vary to a couple’s decisions to adopt…’birthmother will reclaim her child’, ‘Gee you are really special to adopt someone else’s child’, ‘You’re so lucky–adopting is the easy way of having a child'”.

The reel spins in my head that the wait is painful, what if the birthmother never chooses us, or what if the birthmothers doesn’t like us when we meet. Stopping the spinning is a daily battle all adoptive parents ‘to be’ go thru. It’s a common bond we can hold on to…there is an end in sight and it is oh so beautiful.

Healing Eyes

the hardest choices don’t come easy

we all have choices to make and they all have consequences.
Some are harder than others, yesterday I met two strong birthmothers that made the ultimate decision that would forever change there lives.
Our agency uses the term ‘woman in crisis’, now I never quite understood that phrase very well. Until last night when i heard stories of crisis and the choices made to get thru it.

One woman contacted the agency very early on and knew adoption was the right choice for her, she laid out a pros and cons list and prayed hard about what to do. People around her gave her advice and some suggested just get an abortion or tough it out. She had 4 kids, was a single mom, and was struggling, it wasn’t fair to the unborn baby to be born into such a situation. She doesn’t regret her decision and she was happy for her child who had 2 loving parents. Since it was a semi-open adoption she kept in contact and some day if the child wants to meet her he can.

The second woman was drastically different. It wasn’t until the last month before she contacted the agency when a private adoption fell thru. It was a whirlwind of emotions but thru it all she knew this was the right decision and regrets nothing. She chose a family that had no children so that her daughter would be the center of the universe. At that time she couldn’t provide all that was needed and selflessly choice life thru adoption.

Until you can hear these stories in person it can’t quite have the full effect. Tears were shared and even some laughter. Both sides thought the others were so gracious and giving. Adoptive parents are so grateful for this gift of life and the birthmothers are so grateful they opened there arms to a child that had no voice. There is a common bond in adoption, crisis.

We all have choices in life, adoption isn’t easy on either side, being able to look thru a birthmother’s eyes is awakening.

Healing Eyes

Advertisting

How much is too much information? In today’s social media craze, tweet this and blog that, it seems anything goes. With adoption you walk a fine line between privacy and exposure. On the one hand you want to tell your story and get the word out – but – on the other you want to hide and just let the agency take over the search.

Adoption is a positive and exciting time for those ‘hoping to adopt’. For birthmothers its a difficult and painful decision that does not come lightly. That is why its a fine line when advertising, “Hey we want to adopt, Pick Us!”

Agencies, blogs, websites, forums all suggest that sharing your adoption journey is a great way to reach out to a birthmother searching for a family in her time of need.  It’s deciding what to withhold and what to share that each couple has to decide on. Resources I found helpful.

We are open to adopt – our arms are wide open.. by telling our story and networking perhaps we can meet that special mother out there looking for us too.

Our profile to share with anyone searching

Healing Eyes

Books to read

While waiting you start researching…you join blogs, facebook pages, support groups. Try to keep your mind busy as you wait, preparing your home and your mind for the dramatic change that can come at any minute.

These are just a few books I have found while killing time.

1. Kelsey Stewart wrote the book “The Best For You” in her perspective as a Birth Mother telling her child why she chose adoption.

2. God Found Us You (HarperBlessing​s) by Lisa Tawn Bergren (Hardcover)

3. Over the Moon: An Adoption Tale by Karen Katz (Paperback)

4. My Family, My Journey: A Baby Book for Adoptive Families by Zoe Francesca (Diary)

5. You Are My Wish Come True by Marianne Richmond (Hardcover)

6. Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born [Paperback] Jamie Lee Curtis (Author), Laura Cornell (Illustrator)
I particularly like this ones since I bought it, it has a cute dog in the story and shows the excitement of ‘the call’.

Healing Eyes

Poem

Adoption Network

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn’t grow under my heart – but in it

Healing Eyes

Hesitation

I got my first hand me down piece of baby furniture. It’s an odd feeling when I usually was the one looking in as others got their free baby stuff. Am I almost part of the ‘in’ crowd now?

The free baby bassinet is still sitting in the trunk of the Mazda. It’s like there is an invisible barrier holding it there. I mean it’s only a bassinet! Not everyone can understand my trepidation in bringing it into the house. It’s about a 10 foot walk from the door to the car and yet I know once I go and grab it I will feel like an imposter. Who is this crazy lady carrying a ‘baby’ item into the house. Where’s the Kid? should she be getting her hopes up like that? Get the call first and then start collecting the baby garb.

It really is a nice bassinet, once i get the guts to carry it in I know it will go nicely tucked away from sight until we get ‘the call’….

Healing Eyes

The Dollars and $ense of Family Building

The second most popular question people ask is…
‘How much does it cost?’

Since I am now farther into the adoption process and have been learning as I go, I now like to answer that with a ‘Can you put a price on love’ ?
If you go to an agencies website they usually won’t list out the fees, typically you need to contact them and ask for information mailed to you or ask for a one-on-one meeting. Once you get the final numbers you basically go into shock and stare blindly into space while rocking back and forth. “They want how much to adopt?” “How is that possible?” and yet lots of families find the money and babies find forever homes, and we all live happily ever after.

If your looking to adopt there are resources (I’m told). My agency lists them all out online at http://www.adoptionassociates.net/resources/adoption_funding/
The federal tax credit is Awesome, as long as it keeps getting renewed by the president. Their is one Credit Union in the United states that does Adoption loans, as long as you have a religion. Contact your local banks and you may be able to qualify for a personal loan for a portion of it.

The #1 way to fund adoption:
SAVE the money and swallow your pride and ask family and friends for help. Make it very convenient for others to donate, we set up a website and have a thermometer to track our final Goal. our website

Links to more bloggers who talk about the Dollars and $ents of family building:
http://writemindopenheart.com/2011/04/dollars-and-sense.html

Healing Eyes

the longest wait of our lives

i have realized that waiting is harder than you can ever imagine. Waiting for a sure thing is something different than this, we are waiting for a ‘kinda sure thing’, the timeline is open for variation, the end result can come with ease or with lots of trials.
I saw a pregnant lady today at the video store and thought ah how lucky she is, then i saw her in her car lighting up a cigarette. My thought of her turned to anger as I couldn’t believe how little she cared for the life growing inside her.
Things like this can spiral your emotions in a instant to negative thoughts. what if our birthmother never shows up because we were too strict in our health choices, what if it takes years and years before the right birthmother chooses us that has not smoked or drank during her pregnancy.
If anyone has adopted that went thru this same anguish…..their has to be hope out there right?
It’s a long journey with lots of unknowns, little control over anything, and once again we are powerless in building a family.
All we can do is wait, save money, slowly bring the nursery together, and hope we meet an amazing birthmother that loves her child so much that she chose life and chose us to be the parents.

Healing Eyes

Love

I love you hope….you will never be forgotten

Healing Eyes