• sarah@healingeyes.org

gastric cancer

What does one do with Great Pain?

 

They either let it swallow them up and poison there heart or they set it free hoping the words once spoken will free them from it. Maybe that’s why I lay my life open like an open book to complete strangers behind this mask of story telling.

Just over 2 months ago I lost everything. Cancer had taken hold of my marriage to my soulmate of 13 years. In August of 2012 my husband was diagnosed with Gastric cancer in the midst of our hopes and dreams to adopt a child and free ourselves from the pain of child death and childlessness.

We searched for so long to find that missing piece in our hearts. Little did we know that was God at work in our hearts. Patiently waiting and laying out events and choices before us. While both of us were undecided on God in our lives, cancer the C-word took hold like a thief. Andy lost first his stomach and then the freedom to live without physical pain 24 hours a day with little sleep.

I watched as my husband slowly died month after month in my arms. In the end his mind went and I felt I had lost him completely. But then hope came to us in a series of events _ both good and bad. I was in Germany when I had him ambulanced to the hospital from an overdose. When I returned home we hugged, cried, and found love again. His health quickly declined and the cancer slithered back in with a vengeance. In less than 3 weeks my love died forever in my arms. Thru incredible pain he finally found peace _ his heart slowed and he fell asleep in Jesus’s arms. Within 2 days I kissed him goodbye forever as his body turned back to dust and his battered body was free from its chains.

The day he died he gave up and threw his arms in the air and said, “I love God”! He would join our baby in heaven and he was ready to die. With that closure of death my life became Gods, I just didn’t know it yet.

The connections started prior to my husbands death with a missionary named April living in St. Croix took hold in my heart and soon I was on a plane to an island not knowing why God said go and what I was to learn so soon after death.

My first leap of faith as a newly reborn child of God full of questions and fear. I met pain head on and I heard people’s stories of heartache and endurance thru misery. I was challenged to see a strong faith in something I couldn’t see and an openness to building relationships that I in the past would have shrunk from. My walls were falling and I did not like it. It was overwhelming to say the least when I started to hear a still voice in me that wanted so badly to expose my raw pain.

I volunteered my time at Lighthouse Missions, I really felt quite out of my element and being stretched outside my comfort zone every minute of the day. I was passed between April (the CEF missionary) and Debbie (the director of the lighthouse mission). For 2 weeks my life really wasn’t mine, I was to watch and listen. A feather in the wind going where God wanted me, meeting the right person at the right time to just hear their story and perhaps tell my sappy sad one. It was becoming clear to me that God was calling me to something. He wanted me to remember what faith was like that I knew when i was a kid. He wanted me to fall in love with something bigger than myself so that when I returned home I could tell a story of a broken heart that might just have a chance to mend, but only with the help of someone much bigger than me. I did not want to listen and I did not want to believe I could be used for something if I just gave up control.

I am going to take a leap of faith and continue my crazy journey outside my comfort zone. Sometimes after loss and during grief a person can decide to run from pain or avoid it. My calling is different…my calling is to use my pain in order to heal from my pain. Sounds messed up? That’s probably a good thing because that means it’s not my idea. Selling my house, both my cars, and donating most of my assets to Goodwill are not logical things to do. What I gain is peace each time i give up more of me.

When I married my Andy in June of 2000 on a beautiful sunny day, God had begun his plan, to let me go for awhile so that I could slowly take his blessing of Pain in edible bite sized pieces. If I had known on that day what was to lay ahead of me I would have not survived the weight of that pain. In time the memories, experiences, trials, illness, and finally utter loss would open a door for me to return to God a different person. A broken person that will seize the chance to take action and trust in something unthinkable.

So over the next few weeks I will continue to shrink my belongings and surrender to a life not my own so that I can be free to go where I must.

Healing Eyes

Moving on but not budging in my heart

With each piece of furniture, clothing, fork, spoon, video game, lamp, and computer I say goodbye to what me and Andy built. We built a home full of love, sharing, sadness, pain, illness, but above all it was Me and Andy. I packed each item into little boxes that would move with me, the items that ranked high enough to move to a 2 bedroom apartment. The other items went to the far right, stacked high with each pile that would eventually make its final destination to Goodwill. Some day another ‘Andy’ type thrift shopper will happen upon each item and smile, purchase, and then run out to his or her significant other and share the joy of finding a piece of treasure at a low low price.

The house is quiet now..no more voices..no more snuggles under the covers..but most important..no more cancer lurking in the shadows. Cancer will follow me wherever I go, the memories hang heavy on my heart. Andy lived a great life..I must hold on to that and pray the good memories will outweigh the final year of sickness and pain.

In my apartment I have a room of stuff ready for the second round of downsizing. My goal is to get down to clothing and bare necessities of living. In truth one person doesn’t need a lot but for some reason we crave stuff. It can’t fill the void left after losing a soulmate. I must remember that as I give up more of myself.

Today starts a new day.. a day where I now sign away my house, complete with death certificate in hand. I am sure tears will be shed and my final goodbye to a house filled with memories. In my mind and heart I have packed those memories up already and they go wherever I go.

What to do when one door closes? Step out into the unknown and follow something greater than me, breathe in each day with a purpose, remember the loss and use it to my advantage. God gave me Pain as a gift and I will never forget that..thru suffering we appreciate life and the blessings just waiting to be opened.

Bring it on God! I am empty, broken, and moldable!

 

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Healing Eyes

Tears of change

God has turned my tears into tiny crystals of hope. Each day is a blessing waiting to be opened. Each hour of the day is a test of faith. Each minute of the day is a test of my strength. What have I learned from this? Well, I am weak and I have no control over my life. My life is not my own, I have been pursued by God relentlessly. His patience and perseverance is amazing! How he never gave up on me years ago is shocking. When you allow your eyes to be opened and your heart to be touched, then be ready for astounding things to happen. From the smallest interaction with a stranger to an intimate conversation with a friend miles and miles away (cough cough St. Croix:))
I have faltered over the year.. I have tried to do everything..I have tried to be independent.. I have tried to live my life. Silly Sarah, God wants to take that control away. What a relief to let go of control and open my heart to something more. Not to say that makes everything peachy keen but at least it’s a step in the right direction. Yesterday I was a mess as the snow consumed my house and roof, the rain flooded by apartment, and my spirits were low. This morning I cried out for a blessing and strength to live today. He answered my prayer with the tiniest details in mind. It’s amazing how he moves people around on the world called life. Even just an interaction with another person going thru their day can be a blessing if you allow yourself to open up. Let the walls down and share your story..share your pain.. share you mistakes…God wants to love ME of all people. Ha!

 

This morning at Degage Ministries I served breakfast for the homeless..people in need of a bit of food and love. I saw Andy serving toast (my 88 year old version of what I like to think would have been Andy had he lived). Once again Andy made sure I took time to EAT a breakfast haha. I shared my plans with the other volunteers there, I shared my story of St. Croix and Lighthouse Missions on the island, I shared my heart.. ME opening up my heart to others in order to touch there’s thru God. I prayed this morning, God use me today to speak for you…use my voice..just use me for something because I am awake. What does God do? Well he said, “OK, sarah let’s get to business and talk to people”…  I even prayed in front of a group of people for the morning breakfast, lol, ME..little ole me.

 

Song after song on the radio God is talking to me..the verses of each one touch me and I cry out enough, enough

Take me apart.. I give all of me for all you are.. here I am … TAKE ME APART and rebuild me into something glorious!

Break open the stars.. to save those who cry out his name! Thru the winds and waves of pain. During cancer the pain is overwhelming. During death the pain is overwhelming. How can we ever expect to hear God when pain is just throbbing thru every part of our veins. My gift from God is PAIN, but that’s ok, we all have gifts and skills to give so why not let God turn that around for something better. Our sins, our pain can all be turned around for good once we say, “Why not!?”  While Andy was in the hospital leading up to his death I asked, “Andy should we pray?” he said, “Why not? It couldn’t hurt”.  OH ANDY…I love you, your stubbornness, your forgiveness, your unconditional love even when I disappointed you. Today I listened to a song called “Oh My Dear” By tenth Avenue North. It was as if you were talking to me and saying how much you loved me. My love, my otherself..you are amazing even thru death.

“Oh my dear.. I will wait for you… Grace tonight will pull us thru.. Until the tears have left your eyes..until the fear to sleep at night.. until the demons that you are scared of disappear inside.. Until this guilt begins to crack and the weight falls from your back. Oh my dear..i’ll keep you in your arms tonight..

I miss your arms Andy.. You understood me so well. There is no way any of us can understand why you had to suffer for so long or why you had to leave us so young. I know that you are finally sleeping..ever so peacefully in Jesus’s arms. God pursued you and won you over in the end. The angels rejoiced the day you said, “Why not?” Love me from afar, love me forever, love me thru the storms of life I will face without you.

Healing Eyes

Night Before

A day before I leave ‘The Island’ and many thoughts are filling my heart. I say my heart because with life we use our Mind too much when all it takes is a little faith to believe in something larger than ourselves.

What if there was a God that loves each of us so much that he had this crazy plan all along to win us back. An individually tailored plan that we aren’t allowed to know but if we just trust him the blessings would be more than imaginable. I always tend to think negative first and then positive after (based on life experience up to this point). What if that mentality was wrong?

I took a shower yesterday that lasted a minute and it was sooo thankful it was hot water. I was overjoyed about a few drops of water that were not frigid and lasted a minute long. I looked up and saw the full moon thru the window and it made the moment even more magical. At that moment I felt this amazing love fill me and I just felt Great. I took water for granted. I took heat for granted. I took everything I had for granted before coming to the island. It’s as if God sent me here for 2 weeks in order to win me back and show how much he loved me and to make me fall in love with him all over again. You know that magical feeling when your a kid and life seems simple and you trust in your parents and trust in God? But then you grow up and life’s trials and stresses take over..sometimes you have considerable pain in your life and sometimes you don’t. But somewhere along the way I lost that feeling of Trust…Our life is not our own! I have tried over and over to make it my own and to control it. I still want to…but honestly, I can’t. I’m tired and God knows that…he always wanted to take care of me but it took the death of my soulmate to make room for that. A hard road to take but if life was easy how would we learn anything and grow.

I know I can’t sum up all the ups and downs of the past weeks in a blog post. I can’t sum up a hearts pull in a blog post. All I know is that something has stirred in me that was long dead.. but God knew otherwise. Maybe there is hope for this lost soul yet even if she is only half alive. Some nights I cry and scream out for the loss felt but sometimes I just don’t think and take time to breathe. One thing for sure is around sunset the pain is overwhelming and the tears do flow but I know its not quite as dark as it could be. It’s a long road ahead when grieving and honestly it began months ago when cancer took hold. It will never go away and will always be my dark friend.

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 Making flowers with my favorite Kids! Perla, Gracie, Atisha 🙂
My heart will never be the same…a little piece was returned.

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Serving Breakfast at the Missions (yes it is mac and cheeze and chicken:) Great Food and Great Volunteers!
I love them soo much and they have really touched my heart beyond belief.

 

Healing Eyes

I don’t know

Buck island tour

Buck island tour

Reflecting on life

Reflecting on life

Where to begin.. it’s been a week on the ‘island’.. this strange step into the unknown as a Widow.

A young widow jumping on a plane in the middle of winter to leave behind mountains of snow to fly over the ocean to a tiny little island to meet people she never met before all on a Leap of Faith. My husband of 13 years passed away right before Christmas from cancer. My life has been flipped upside down, my house is most likely selling, my dogs are confused, my stuff is disappearing to Goodwill, and here I am on an island. It’s almost as if my life is now an island.. a tiny new little island being formed amidst this huge storm of suffering and pain..wondering what will become of it all…and what will God now do with the shell of a person left behind.

How do I describe my first week of discovery and healing. Well we can first say I panicked and almost wanted to flag down any passing ship or plane to get me the hell out of here. Or I could say that never crossed my mind and everything is perfect because life always works out like you plan.. cough cough .. not really. Yes it’s true I had my ‘doubting God’ moment every single day here.. I cried myself to sleep and was homesick for my home that really is disappearing back in all the snow. If you think about life as a Widow there is no normal anymore. Everything is different when your soulmate dies, even though over the year I watched Andy suffer endlessly and fade away I still knew he was breathing my air. Now after the storm its a strange feeling of loss…that no words can express.

Back to the island.. I have met many friendly people. Sometimes the generosity and kindness overwhelms me because amidst all the pain from cancer its easy to get sucked in and be blind to any good around you. One thing about pain is it is suffocating. You don’t fully comprehend it when you are swallowed up in it. Everyone is on the outside of your heart and you build walls to protect yourself from any other forms of pain that could penetrate the defenses. So step one in God’s plan is to annihilate those walls and let people in that care and just accept kindness. Perhaps that is the biggest thing to take away from week 1.

Next on my agenda is to try and SLEEP. Ok sounds simple.. just mix hot weather, exercise, mental exhaustion and that should equal blissful sleep. hmm not when you are grieving. Why? Well there is this little thing called missing your husband while you sleep, the little hugs, the little sounds of breathing, all the things you take for granted in a marriage. Tonight I hope and pray sleep will be restful…but there still is time to remedy that if it doesn’t happen yet. You can’t rush grieving.

Don’t underestimate the power of prayer. Yes I know..me talking about prayer? Holy cow who is this person right? Well let’s just say maybe prayer works..maybe it’s ok to cry in front of strangers while praying..maybe God really does listen and cares..maybe he wants to hear our ramblings and concerns.

Lastly, next time you pass a person maybe it’s not such a bad idea to say hi and smile. Here on the island you have strangers just saying hi and blessings to you. Maybe its the sun and nice weather talking or maybe it actually can be healing to build passing relationships with strangers. It’s amazing what you can feel and learn when stopping to listen to a person you might not normally give the time of day. Serving breakfast this morning it was fun to say Good Morning and to learn people’s names and street names. Their smiles had the power to make this broken heart smile … even if for a moment.. it’s hard to see outside our own pain sometimes. One guy said to me, “It will be ok, you will be ok”.. Really? how did he know I was struggling, it must be written all over my face. This guy used to be a thief and homeless, he talked to me my first day serving, his story was pretty interesting but he turned his life around and now helps out at the mission…

Enough sappiness for one night.. Hang in there everyone struggling with either cancer, grief, or any kind of loss. Maybe someday things will calm down.

Healing Eyes

42 Days

Thats 6 weeks…

Since My Best friend died…

I’ve realized that I have failed to share the most life altering stage of Andy’s and mine story. The day Andy found peace and comfort with God and his battle with cancer. Let me rewind time back to October. In October the unwanted thief came back inside Andy’s frail body. It invaded his intestines by blocking nutrients and inflicting its pain on his body once again. The surgeon removed the unwanted obstruction in his body and days later he was told it was cancer again…Gastric Cancer..the same exact type as before.

Strike Two

November came and a series of events brought Andy back into the hospital where shockingly they found another mass in his intestines. This time it was a very greedy tumor that wanted to take all of Andy away. Andy fought with what little was left of his frail body. I returned from Germany and saw him in the hospital bed .. he got up and we hugged. He was wearing his brown striped kalamazoo college sweatshirt. It hung on his body frame loosely, I feared if I hugged him too tight he might snap in my tiny arms.

6 months to live was what the doctor told him. I didn’t know how to respond…our last bit of hope was shattered. I could see the realization of the news in his eyes. We talked, we talked like best friends facing hell together. What did this all mean and how painful would it be for him and me to watch. Caregivers everywhere know the immense pain inflicted by watching someone suffer. Day after day Andy would slip away, the Andy I knew from our 13 years of marriage was slipping away with each diagnosis and chance of hope.

Now with hope fading how do we face the inevitable when we have no faith or hope for a loving God. How can a man who is in so much pain believe that maybe God does care. That God loved him so much to choose him for such suffering. How can anyone comprehend that as being a gift? A gift to see how precious life is and how short it can be. How Andy’s life touched so many lives when he was strong and even when he was weak. God used Andy’s suffering in a fallen world to touch other lives…give hope to others that even in our final hours there is love.

The next day Andy was to have a colonoscopy to see what was going on inside him. He came out in severe pain. He looked weak. Soon after he went into septic shock from his colon blowing and bile leaking into his abdomen. I can only say as someone looking in that it looked extremely painful. Andy still sat up and was so patient with the nurses and doctors, never once did he lose his temper. He was screaming out in pain from the inside I know but he didn’t take it out on anyone.
Just like on TV the doctors and nurses came in with there machines and xrays to see what was the issue…that was when they saw the blow out and he had to have an emergency operation.
His surgeon talked to us both and explained the situation… most of it is a blur but I remember looking into that room from the hallway and thinking, this is it…Andy is fading away and I am helpless to stop it. I can’t make his pain go away.

The trip down the hallway with Andy laying in the hospital bed, sweating and writhing in pain. We reached the elevator and I leaned over and kissed him on his lips and whispered, “God loves you and I love you Andy… It will be ok” “I will be waiting”.  The elevator doors closed and my best friend was gone.

Hours later the surgeon came out to the waiting room and shook his head, pulled me and Andy’s mothers into a room. The words I feared since cancer began were spoken, “I couldn’t get the tumor out”… “It was larger than expected…he would have died on the table”.
Andy’s surgeon was the best, most caring, skilled, and amazing guy…I hugged him and said “it’s ok, you did everything you could and its no one’s fault. Andy always liked you and respected you.”

Strike Three…Terminal diagnosis…

I paced in front of the glass window of the hospital room, Andy was in there. Andy was unconscious. Andy was dying. Andy was on a respirator. Andy couldn’t talk. Andy was swollen. Andy’s body was losing the battle.

That day before he died Andy was writing on anything we could get, his hands were shaky and most of the time it was frustrating for him and me to communicate. “Pain” “Untie me” “Want to talk” “Pain”. My love was in pain and trapped in a body that was failing…a body that turned against him.

Next morning 5 a.m. The Phone Call. “Andy pulled the respirator out on his own and is talking”.
Oh Andy you stubborn man, you amazing man, you courageous man. On a snowy morning I dashed back to the hospital in a panic. Once there he was alive, breathing, talking. “I love you Sarah”. “I love you Andy”. “I am here”.

The day was a blur of doctors..nurses..tests..pain control..and finally acceptance. Each doctor heard Andy talk and answered his questions. Andy was amazing. He faced death with such certainty and courage. He was in so much pain but he still wanted to understand how he would die and if it would hurt. He said goodbye to family and friends. He said goodbye to the puppies. He never said goodbye to me…he didn’t need to because he will never leave me. That’s the problem with soul mates, you can never really say goodbye.

Eventually hospice came in and made Andy comfortable. I held his beautiful hand over the hospital bed railing. I squeezed it in our secret way to say I love you over and over, Andy replied back with the same squeeze. He couldn’t talk but he was talking to me.

10:03 pm Sunday, December 15, 2013 he breathed his last breathe in my arms and his eyes closed. His body hurt no more. His soul was free. Cancer lost that day because Andy lives. He lives in everyone he touched thru his journey thru life. He lives thru me and my journey ahead.

Andy was a goofy guy..he wouldn’t want us to all suffer after his death. He wouldn’t want us to not smile anymore. He would want us to be happy. These are all logical thoughts but hard to put in practice when someone so amazing is ripped from our lives. Those left behind must pick up the pieces and learn to live again. Every once and awhile I feel Andy’s love again..I see him in dreams and he says he’s not sick..he’s ok. Andy you keep on being Ok wherever you are and watch over Hope. I’ll keep surviving down here and maybe use all this suffering for some purpose that God has in mind.

Healing Eyes

Indescribable feelings of loss

What does one do when everything is gone and replaced by new memories.

I am trapped looking at past memories and remembering the love and adventure Andy and I shared. We spent 13 amazing years together…shared tears and laughter. How can I go on without Andy? How can life be so cruel? I’m looking at these photos and it just seems so unreal that Andy is now a memory, a snapshot, a photo on my heart. He was never supposed to be a photo in a shoebox that years from now will be dusted off and remembered. He can’t be gone…not now….it’s too soon!
How can he ever know who I become…how I change…how I long for his hug and smile again. Watching someone die before your eyes is indescribable pain…Being a widow sucks!

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Healing Eyes

What is love when love dies?

 Does love live on even after death? Can a parted soul reach back and touch a life?

Again Andy came to me in my dreams saying he was ALIVE and OK. Again I saw his face before cancer ravished it…his skin was full of color and life. I said, “NO Andy, I cremated you!”…”You are not alive”… “No Sarah I am alive and OK”…
Then I woke up and shook the memory free from my head and realized I was alone. In a flash he was gone again. The night before I was woken by a small faint voice, “Sarah Please Get up”.. followed by a slight touch of the nose. An Eskimo kiss like we always used to do on a cold winter night. Can love transcend death? Can two souls be entwined even when one has passed into heaven while I am left behind on this cold world.

Each day is a test…and a gift.

Today Tmobile confirmed Andy’s cell phone was shut off and his number is now gone. Poof! Gone! A test of my patience for loss. So I countered it finally by sucking in my pride and called a Grief counselor. Here goes nothing, poor my life out again to a stranger to get her perspective on how to cope. I know how to cope but a second opinion couldn’t hurt ha!

Before my husband passed away I was in contact with a Mission group in St. Croix. Exploring the idea of helping out in some way.
After Andy’s death the pieces have come together to take a trip to St. Croix and Walk with the individuals at Lighthouse Mission. This will be my first try at mission work and going on my first vacation without Andy.
A friend suggested some fundraising and so here I go. Putting myself out there.

The plane ticket is already booked and I have a host house to stay at so God worked out the details on that.

While there I also am mainly going to ‘Walk with them’.. find out where God wants me in life and to get some peace and healing in the process. I don’t know what to expect, I am scared and nervous, but it feels right to get away and learn about what this Organization is all about. They are a small group and help Homeless people. Since Andy and I were in Jamaica in June for our Anniversary it seems fitting that I am going to a tropical place to heal.

If anyone has a desire to Donate to help with food and traveling expenses that’s great..
but if not that’s ok too. Just some prayers for a safe trip and that I can come back refreshed and find some peace in Andy’s passing is enough.

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Healing Eyes

Why Me

Time to process

Time to think

Time to heal

and time to Grieve.

Everyone goes at a different pace and process.. I have always jumped ahead and rushed going thru life. I have learned its not so bad to step back and breathe for a moment…let God show the way and magically this whole new path opens up.

I have realized that Andy and I had a lot of ‘material things’. Some of them were toys, electronics, games, cars, car parts, clothes, furniture, printers, so much STUFF! Now some stuff is nice to have, and some toys are fun to play for sure. Andy loved collecting video games and systems, maybe just because he knew how much i LOVED playing them. Either way, the basement is full of STUFF and today I purged.

Andy loved Goodwill. I mean LOVED Goodwill. He would rummage around for rare video games, rollerblades, anything that looked cool. So it seemed fitting that a lot of the things he collected over the years should go back to there home, Goodwill. So far i’ve done 3 loads today and it was hard but felt kinda good to unload that burden of ‘things’. I still have several more loads of stuff that could go but I am stopping to breathe and digest what I just let go. Pieces of Andy gone. Forever. It makes me smile though to think that another ‘Andy’ type person will be going to Goodwill in a week and find that super awesome Nintendo Game, or another Dreamcast for his/her collection. That makes it worth it to Let Go of ‘things’.

The other day I read this daily inspirational quote..soon after I got a phone call. Saint Mary’s Lacks Cancer center was finally calling me back about volunteering. Cool. I stopped and then something happened. So today I go there to try out for playing the piano in the lobby.

The other other day I read a daily inspirational quote…soon after I picked up the phone and called a lady in St. Croix Virgin Islands (I had been procrastinating on making the call). After sharing my life story and Andy’s pain and suffering over the year I now have a new path. My tickets are bought and I’m going to do my first mission trip. Ok that sounds very odd coming from me. A person who for the last 13 years stopped going to church, stopped reading, stopped praying, stopped LISTENING. Now I am not a completely different person, I still have my doubts about what I am about to do..It scares me to think I could become some ‘mission’ girl. ME? Screwed up Sarah who now is a widow, has two needy dogs, a house, and so much pain pushing down on a tiny little heart. Completely broken into pieces, world turned upside down, no soulmate, and defeated Sarah…

Today I slowly begin to breathe again.. tomorrow I might stop again.. but Andy is NOT in pain anymore, so that has to be enough for now.

Healing Eyes

Silence in the end

My soul cries out. My sorrow closes in around my heart. All I see is darkness even though the snow falls thick outside. Inside the fire burns and thirsts for the oxygen it consumes.
My body breathes out of reflex but not from desire. With Andy I had laughter and tears mingled together. No life is prefect and after a traumatic death I am left to question everything, all the smiles.. Tears… Love… Fights… Breathes.. Fears.. Disappointments.. Hugs… Embraces.

Nobody knows me at all now.. This earth is lonely… Andy and I were together for 14 years…
I left my childhood life behind for college and met Andy, the years where you find yourself and I found him instead. Did I find myself by finding him? What is left now that all that time is gone.

Breathing hurts… I find some comfort in a dreamless sleep when it comes. Often the dreams come and haunt me, mocking me of my past and holding me back from breathing new air.

Time now lingers…. And yet moves quickly by… Three weeks ago Andy breathed his last breathe in my arms… Closed his eyes for the last time.. And felt pain fade away.

Healing Eyes