• sarah@healingeyes.org

stage 3

No escape for the suffering

This story is for those grieving…those lost…those in pain with no end in sight. I fear by far this may be one of my darkest posts and perhaps one of many to come. The darkness enfolds me and I snuggle warmly in it. All my life my dark shadow haunts me, welcomes me in its ever warm embrace of self pity and sorrow. So easily it is to get lost in it. Each year it snags my heart and prior to this year I had little bits of light that kept it from encasing my heart. Perhaps it was God or perhaps it was Andy’s love for me. Either way I stubbornly ignored God’s voice in my head calling me back, prodding me and pushing the pain to break thru the darkness. I always liked juxtaposed metaphors..if that’s a correct way to put it. Two opposing forces that kinda complement each other.

Light..and…Dark

Each day passes by and soon another week, a month, a year will pass before my eyes. It is slow now and painful. Many think, of which I will never understand, that I am strong. I am not strong…I just learned tricks to endure pain. Maybe its all the times I stub my toe or hit my shin and then Andy would laugh at me. I bruise easily on the outside.. but inside its layers on layers of built up walls that rebuild every day to withstand this cruel world. I never really thought of this world as a ‘fallen world’ before but I think it is. This world is pain and suffering.

I read the book ‘The Shack‘ today finally. It’s a short read and powerful. It gave me comfort earlier today but then tonight it shattered my walls again. This time I fear the walls are shattered deeper than every before. People speak of stages of grief..I guess they could exist. But for me I do everything fast and process things fast.. so when faced with pain and grief it hits me extra hard. So many triggers will do it..today it was giving away some video games to be sold on ebay by a long lost friend. A piece of Andy gone..and by proximity a piece of my past story. Over and over this will happen, different triggers at any given time.

Anyone out there who went over a year of watching someone die from cancer. Please know it can get very ugly. The pain will become unbearable and you will die with your loved one each time they take chemo, drugs, ER visits, and wretched suffering of pain. Each day will get worse and worse. One day it may end and maybe one day it will be a fairy tale ending. Either way modern medicine is good and bad, chemo is poison and with a patient in late stage cancer with unlikelihood of curing it the cost is high for the poison. Many may disagree and it may be controversial but me and Andy’s story showed me each day how the poison worked. This world is cruel and unforgiving…I hope and dream that heaven will be the juxtapose to this hell on earth.
…Cancer is hell…
…..Treatments are its poison…
..In some small moments there is peace from the pain, perhaps…
…But evermore cancer will change you and I pray few have to endure long the pain of watching and feeling someone die in front of your very eyes.

This world is a whole lot darker without Andy in it… It isn’t fair that he’s gone but if anyone said life is fair they are trying to sell you something.

The moral of the story? Sorry to disappoint but I don’t have one… but maybe just maybe after this world the suffering will end and bright color will shine all around, tears will flow no more, hearts will breathe again..Faith in that will keep me alive until some day I see Andy again.

Healing Eyes

A Post to those that Get it

If you are new to this blog and you stumbled upon it by chance while searching for keywords ‘cancer’ stomach cancer’ ‘gastric cancer than this post is for you.

We started this blog to update family and friends about Andy’s health updates. But I think this blog can do more than menial updates on treatments and doctor visits.

If you are a caregiver and are living with cancer thru your spouse or loved ones than I understand and reach out to you..the quiet readers looking for some meaning in why Cancer has chosen you.

If you try to scream at the top of your lungs but nothing comes out because you fear you might explode..or that someone might hear you and not understand than I get you.

Cancer .. the ‘c’ word… the evil shadow that consumes your life it has to be beatable. It can’t always win. There are survivors, its getting past the Diagnosis and treatments that is the true test of someones strength. If you can get past that then thats when you use the word ‘hope’. Now is the time to Fight and endure.. Endurance!

Life is fragile and it can disappear in an instant..living each day as if it were your last now that’s something to strive for. If you are living with cancer like us and really Understand than Scream out as loud as you can today but tomorrow wake up and smile because its a new day and you have another chance to breathe.

Healing Eyes

My name is Inigo Montoya and you killed my father..

I read ‘Princess Bride’ to Andy as a bedtime story now. Our life is a lot like the cliffs of insanity, we have climbed them before and nearly fallen off but with a quick jab of the fist into the rock we climbed above the loss of life and dreams we held so tight to.
Now the story replays as we climb the cliffs of insanity once more. This time the cliffs are higher and more dangerous. The chance of falling ever more devastating than loss of life we never knew.

  • Fezzik the giant is like the huge tumor that was big and dumb inside Andy’s tummy, we smashed that out with a rock.

Inconceivable..

  • The Sicilian thinks he is so wise and can predict everything, plan each day, scheme and plot, and nothing can go wrong and yet the Man in Black gains on him.

Inconceivable… I dont think that word means what you think it means.

  • Princess buttercup has lost true love and vows to never love again..she doesn’t know that true love is still trying to save her.
  • The man in black is delayed in the pit of despair while his true love is to marry another
  • Miracle Max asks what is there to live for? Too bluff, Truuue love…there is no greater thing than TRUE LOVE!

Our story is of True love, it can’t be broken by loss of a child, or of a dream to adopt, its inconceivable to separate Andy’s heart from mine. We started with a diagnosis of cancer, which then turned into surgery, and now it is ‘living with cancer’. Even though the next few months will still be more treatment with unknown results, cancer will always be there, it will forever be our cliffs of insanity..

My name is Gastric Cancer Stage 3b, you have killed our dreams.. prepare to die.

Healing Eyes

One small sit

Andy just got out if bed and sat in a chair! That may seem minor but its a big step forward to healing.
Even with a tube jabbed in his ribs, several incisions in his belly, and minus 1 stomach he fought thru the pain and sat in a chair.
Go andy go!!

Another tiring day almost over, still in intensive care, but soon to move to lacks center tmrw I hope.
Although I hope I get a couch there too.

My coworkers gave me a care basket that has lots of goodies..I just need to sneak that food when andy isn’t looking.

Thanks everyone…but Sarah tired now and needs a break before andy realizes I am still here

Healing Eyes

Morning arrives.. Finally

 Andy had a hard night. We finally were reunited at 9pm (16 hrs later). He is in icu still at St Mary’s and all day it seems. Having to open the chest is causing incredible pain.. He is still dazed and confused. I got some sleep, I think this couch bed is a nurture product (kinda comfy).. I am now a Steelcase furniture tester lol.

I don’t know when he moves to lacks center. Maybe tmrw. 

Thanks for thinking of us. 

Healing Eyes
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