• sarah@healingeyes.org

stomach

Craving dirt

Cravings from b12 deficiency are dirt, detergent, and pounds of ice chips…you said what?
I’m busy scratching down notes the doctor is rattling off and she says andy will want to eat soap.
No explanation it’s just an odd symptom that most patients report.

The radiation doctor was very nice after we waited an hour to see her because another patient had fainted or something because of low sugar. But eventually she told us what we expected. She has no specific plan for us either. It appears we have picked a cancer that has no standard cure because of the late stage it was in and the large area it consumed.

What to do…we were given speculations and clinical trials..I suggested another recipe and the doc said hmm yea that could work too.

It seems we r to wait a bit longer for more doctors to give there wishy washy opinions and in 2 weeks I think it’s going to be a consensus to do aggressive chemo again and then possibly try radiation if we think Andy’s body can handle it.

My one question was how much can andy take of the poison before it destroys us and at what cost. No matter what, cancer is here to stay, and lurks in the shadows either way we go. Now we have to accept that reality and prepare for the pain to come and remain sane.

Healing Eyes

A Post to those that Get it

If you are new to this blog and you stumbled upon it by chance while searching for keywords ‘cancer’ stomach cancer’ ‘gastric cancer than this post is for you.

We started this blog to update family and friends about Andy’s health updates. But I think this blog can do more than menial updates on treatments and doctor visits.

If you are a caregiver and are living with cancer thru your spouse or loved ones than I understand and reach out to you..the quiet readers looking for some meaning in why Cancer has chosen you.

If you try to scream at the top of your lungs but nothing comes out because you fear you might explode..or that someone might hear you and not understand than I get you.

Cancer .. the ‘c’ word… the evil shadow that consumes your life it has to be beatable. It can’t always win. There are survivors, its getting past the Diagnosis and treatments that is the true test of someones strength. If you can get past that then thats when you use the word ‘hope’. Now is the time to Fight and endure.. Endurance!

Life is fragile and it can disappear in an instant..living each day as if it were your last now that’s something to strive for. If you are living with cancer like us and really Understand than Scream out as loud as you can today but tomorrow wake up and smile because its a new day and you have another chance to breathe.

Healing Eyes

Fire swamp

We are trapped in the fire swamp, trying to find our way thru the trees and dangerous fire bursts. There is a phenomenon called snow sand, you can’t see it very well while walking but the instant your foot touches it your are engulfed. It is a slow suffocation as you fall for what seems an eternity to the bottomless pit. The grains of Sand are so fine that it feels like snow, so you don’t notice it’s silently suffocating you by filling in your ears and nostrils and the instant you open your mouth for air it will consume you.

Our feet have slipped and the snow sand has taken us, it was a quick fall and as hard as we spread our arms out to slow the fall we still plummet. As I scream out for help my lungs fill quickly.
But then a vine is tossed in and it’s just within my grasp, I reach and reach because I know I must live on…we both must live on. Slowly I pull and pull, fighting back the sand. Once on the surface, air doesn’t come easily, it’s a feeling of death and dreaming.

It’s a suffocation of grief and fear consuming us. The fear of traveling thru this fire swamp is immense, the sands are always there and strike fast. Each time we rise and clasp tightly to each other until the spasms of fear subside.

Fear and time are now our enemy. Too much fear and not enough time.

But today we have each other to fight the journey ..tomorrow we have friends and family to throw a vine…and the next day is just the next day, it holds the unknown…

Fighting the fear is the hardest battle
Next is the cancer
And finally the future that we can never predict is always looming.

Healing Eyes

Miko birthday

This recliner is amazing. It truly is a cloud! I should have bought two of them.

Next steps…December 26 meet with oncologist for chemo and see gastric doc to get the feeding tube removed!

Andy has been eating great. Last two days were all real food so he’s had pizza, egg sandwich, bacon, noodles, ravioli, oh and too many cookies (causes the shakes so I’m gonna have to monitor the intake).
All in all with the holidays and cancer still looming above us we are alive and breathing. Even if it is hard days ahead, I suppose that’s our normal.

Oh miko turned 7 today ! Happy birthday little girl, enjoy your Kamari ball.

20121215-203540.jpg

Healing Eyes

My name is Inigo Montoya and you killed my father..

I read ‘Princess Bride’ to Andy as a bedtime story now. Our life is a lot like the cliffs of insanity, we have climbed them before and nearly fallen off but with a quick jab of the fist into the rock we climbed above the loss of life and dreams we held so tight to.
Now the story replays as we climb the cliffs of insanity once more. This time the cliffs are higher and more dangerous. The chance of falling ever more devastating than loss of life we never knew.

  • Fezzik the giant is like the huge tumor that was big and dumb inside Andy’s tummy, we smashed that out with a rock.

Inconceivable..

  • The Sicilian thinks he is so wise and can predict everything, plan each day, scheme and plot, and nothing can go wrong and yet the Man in Black gains on him.

Inconceivable… I dont think that word means what you think it means.

  • Princess buttercup has lost true love and vows to never love again..she doesn’t know that true love is still trying to save her.
  • The man in black is delayed in the pit of despair while his true love is to marry another
  • Miracle Max asks what is there to live for? Too bluff, Truuue love…there is no greater thing than TRUE LOVE!

Our story is of True love, it can’t be broken by loss of a child, or of a dream to adopt, its inconceivable to separate Andy’s heart from mine. We started with a diagnosis of cancer, which then turned into surgery, and now it is ‘living with cancer’. Even though the next few months will still be more treatment with unknown results, cancer will always be there, it will forever be our cliffs of insanity..

My name is Gastric Cancer Stage 3b, you have killed our dreams.. prepare to die.

Healing Eyes

Surviving

http://www.carepages.com/forums/cancer/topics/409-the-seven-keys-to-surviving-cancer

Healing Eyes

Pixie dust gone

Feeding tube time…it smells like vanilla (it gets old smelling after awhile).
We r now pros at hooking up the machine…so I figure when we are 90 and require extra nutrients thru a tube we will be all set.

Cancer sux
Post surgery sux
And having to leave andy to go to work tmrw sux

Yup not a Mushy and hopeful post today..just hard cold truth.

Oh and yoshi agrees! His tummy has taken the brunt of the stress from our little family circle, he’s on tummy meds now too.

20121209-203108.jpg

video on tube feeding setup

Healing Eyes

What’s new doc

Update…update…update…
I am updated out but here goes

1. Nose tube out
2. Swallow test passed
3. No leaks
4. Feeding tube started yesterday, learned how to flush it today
5. Walked 3 laps without walker
6. Sat in chair
7. Talked to me more
8. Sense of humor returning
9. Chest tube might come out tomorrow
10. One day at a time

Thank you to my parents who are patient and keep in constant contact with me
Thank you to Andy’s friends who visit and make him smile
Thank you to my coworkers who make me eat lunches and dinner
Thank you Kalamazoo IT dept for the flowers and thank you president of the college for the orange roses which I assume are the college colors:)
Thank you sister Ann for the dog flower
Thank you Murray for watching my fuzzy pups
Thank you hope lodge for giving me a place to stay by the hospital

Cancer sucks … But hey there are baby grand pianos that I can play and I had forgotten how I do love playing music…I also think I am helping others by filling the healing garden with music (hopefully not too out of tune)

Thx andy for rescuing me from a life without you…I love u too much and I won’t let the nurses forget about you:)

Healing Eyes

One small sit

Andy just got out if bed and sat in a chair! That may seem minor but its a big step forward to healing.
Even with a tube jabbed in his ribs, several incisions in his belly, and minus 1 stomach he fought thru the pain and sat in a chair.
Go andy go!!

Another tiring day almost over, still in intensive care, but soon to move to lacks center tmrw I hope.
Although I hope I get a couch there too.

My coworkers gave me a care basket that has lots of goodies..I just need to sneak that food when andy isn’t looking.

Thanks everyone…but Sarah tired now and needs a break before andy realizes I am still here

Healing Eyes

Morning arrives.. Finally

 Andy had a hard night. We finally were reunited at 9pm (16 hrs later). He is in icu still at St Mary’s and all day it seems. Having to open the chest is causing incredible pain.. He is still dazed and confused. I got some sleep, I think this couch bed is a nurture product (kinda comfy).. I am now a Steelcase furniture tester lol.

I don’t know when he moves to lacks center. Maybe tmrw. 

Thanks for thinking of us. 

Healing Eyes
12