• sarah@healingeyes.org

Transition

Restless

Wide awake on my bedroom floor…adjusting to sleeping with a stiff back. Night 2 with my homemade nest of blankets. In Africa I had a foam mattress..that sounds nice now. Perspective on appreciating the small things.

I was looking at Amazima’s website today and the story of Katie.
Am I ever going to prosper like that ?
Is this all just too impossible?

I can’t sleep…I’m worrying about little beelah. If she is safe, still going to school, loved…I miss her.
I think I am too easily sucked in by a smile. Which is hilarious as kids annoy me…well Whiney ones ha.
Maybe it was her giggle and shyness. Or maybe it was her gratitude for life even in dire conditions. Compared to life here that is. Actually she had an amazing home…nature and water. My favorite!

Watch over those kids God and pave the way for my return. Let me help them…and let them help me.

Healing Eyes

Compassionate flavor of life

Dark is the sky! and veiled the unknown morrow!
Dark is life’s way, for night is not yet o’er;
The long-for glimpse I may not meanwhile borrow;
But, this I know, HE GOETH ON BEFORE.

Dangers are nigh! and fears my mind are shaking;
Heart seems to dread what life may hold in store;
But I am His – He knows the way I’m taking,
More blessed still – HE GOETH ON BEFORE.

Doubts cast their weird, unwelcome shadows o’er me,
Doubts that life’s best – life’s choicest things are o’er;
What but his Word can strength, can restore me,
And this blest fact; that still HE GOES BEFORE.

HE GOES BEFORE! Be this my consolation!
He goes before! On this my heart would dwell!
He goes before! This guarantees salvation!
HE GOES BEFORE! And therefor all is well.

By: J. Danson Smith

What should I fear? If my future is already known than I should be filled with peace. I am blessed with time to mourn and contemplate…some are not. Some look for ways each day to scam an unknowing person of cash while others severely need that cash but will not turn to treachery. Deciphering who is in need and who is lying is something nearly impossible. If we are to give regardless of the intention of the receiver than is that enough? It’s the act of giving that shows our heart of love and compassion for others. If it’s the act of giving and not the assurance of its use that shows our worth than is that enough? In Africa there was a lady who appeared to be in need and suffering from a loss, she wailed and cried on the ground, but it turned out later she was lying. Was the expression of love towards her for nothing when later it was spat on? Is that to prevent any further kindness to others on the chance that they are lying?

If some choose to feed others with a bad tasting ‘flavor’ of humanity than others should overwhelm them with a great tasting ‘flavor’ of compassion.

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Healing Eyes

Doubt but never Give In

If you go out on faith…

If you take the steps you are told to…

Will you ever get affirmation of it being the RIGHT thing to do?

YES I think so…well Now I do.

So Good news and Bad news. The good news is I feel like I have some direction again but the bad news it means the St. Croix Chapter is coming to an end sooner than expected. Also means I have a lot of work to do for my Non-Profit to flourish. But I have struggled and prayed on it and after weeks in Africa wondering what is next I think its the right choice. Plus after my unexpected conversation with a lady at an Apartment complex about leasing a place for 6ish months starting in March I am even more sure in my faith. I am taking another Leap and going to return to Michigan for 6 months’ish in order to grieve a bit more locally but more importantly to try and raise funds and make connections for the Non-Profit in order to end up in Africa in a year. Now there are so many details I could drown my mind in…like how and how much and where and how do you buy land and what will I do and who will go along with this and yada yada yada. Phew hurts my head!  But basically I know I am supposed to be in Michigan for 6 months and then after that I am supposed to find out how God is going to pull off the next major miracle…Getting to Africa.

So simply put… Trust a bit more that things are out of your control. I did it by saying ok I’ll find an apartment to come back to and Ok I’ll work on my business and Ok I’ll embarrass myself more by trying to raise funds to do the impossible.

Doubt always but Keep pushing on!!! eek!

Chili Cook off to raise funds – Feb 5th at Gaines Church in Caledonia, MI.
Be there with an empty stomach and an open heart.  

See my Healing Eyes facebook page for more details 

Came back with a scarf I bought in Soroti for her

Came back with a scarf I bought in Soroti for her

Healing Eyes

My little friend amongst the waterfall

There is a beautiful country where people are struggling to see past the pain.

There is a beautiful country where arms are open wide for the love of compassion.

There is a country where you can see a glimpse into the past of what life was like before all the technology and modern conveniences we take for granted daily. For example…a toilet! Yes that simple porcelain seat in your cozy bathroom that allows for a private and comfortable hygiene luxury.

After spending 3 weeks in Africa I appreciate the Toilet and its abundant availability in the States. I didn’t mind sacrificing my comfort by hovering over a small crack in the ground while flies buzzed around…I didn’t mind always carrying toilet paper with me…But I am so grateful for the clean toilets awaiting me back in Michigan.

Of course running water already has been a sacrifice I’ve learned while living in St. Croix. Drinking tap water is an amazing luxury in the states. Having hot showers that come out of pipes is so delightful.  It was fun learning how to use a jug of water to pour into a basin to then pour over myself in order to bathe…that was humbling.

I am discouraged…I can not tell a lie…I have doubts…I have fears…and yes I do almost want to throw in the towel.
Can I admit that?

What now? 3 weeks away from what I had grown accustomed to while in St. Croix. 3 weeks tour of Uganda in order to try and see what am I ever to do next? I drove myself mad with that question! Simply mad! I even cried and stressed and got angry about not knowing. What the Hell am I to do with my tomorrows?!

Towards the end of my tour…after breaking free from the group I arrived in a more secluded area of Africa. It was after a very long drive on terrible roads and a slight detour (cough cough got lost). It was beginning to rain and the sun was setting, we didn’t know where we were and were desperate to find the place we were looking for in the mountains. The skies cleared and a rainbow appeared in the distance…directly over where we needed to go. Yes a fricken Rainbow! Ahh I like signs and symbolism but this one seemed too cliche. At the end of this rainbow was CiSiyi Falls and a little girl named Beela. She was tiny and giggled and was very shy…I instantly fell in love. We giggled at eachother and I played the ukulele for her…she shyly danced in the moonlight. That night I was blessed abundantly! Was this the place I searched for? The place I am to eventually stay at? Was it a dream? How can I go back?

So many questions and fears.

But little Beela is still there giggling away amongst the waterfall and perhaps a bit happier having met 2 mazungoos (what African’s call White people) from a far off land. I’ll write to her and hope one day we will meet again.

So what’s next? Well I think St. Croix chapter is nearly finished and now I must face some lingering grieving in Michigan while building up my non-profit company by raising money to go back to Africa. Buy land and begin an unconventional ministry there.

Healing Eyes

A familiar pain relived

She lay in the dirt with tears falling. Her body trembled with a broken heart. People passed her by as she knelt on the dirt road …
Moses, her son, died at age 20 today from malaria. He arrived too late…he died too young.
I did all I could think of and put my arm around her, I didn’t know her language but I understood the language of pain.
She cried and wailed out…she shook and muttered incoherent words of despair. Policemen came by and look baffled by the scene and did nothing to help. Other local woman looked as if she should just toughen up. I sat in the dirt with her and cried tears at her side.
It was all I knew to do.
She suddenly shook all over, stiffened and fell on my lap in a contorted shape, yelling wildly. Slowly she Silently calmed down and sobbed.
Time stood still at that moment as her heart broke over and over.

The scene must have looked odd.
Me a white Mazungoo holding a Ugandan woman in front of a hospital on the dirt ground.

Now imagine how awful some people can be…the whole thing was a sham! The woman and her husband were lying and faked the entire scene!

Beware!!! Some people are beyond deceitful…glad I didn’t give them any money.

Healing Eyes

Imagine a breathe on fire

How is it my place to question where I am led to go?

How is it my place to doubt?

When all around me I see pain and suffering…can I turn a deaf ear to it’s call?

When the time comes to go and leave behind all that I love can I say No? Or perhaps delay until it makes sense to all?

What if life was more than we imagine? What if life was in a girl standing quietly in the shadows…

Waiting quietly in repose

Waiting quietly in repose

Close your eyes and imagine…breathe in the stagnant air filled with the smell of bodily fluids and fecal decay…the dry dusty air burns your eyes as tears roll down your stained face. Now imagine each day the same … Waiting …. Waiting… For more…for something to break the cycle of pain. Open your eyes…your heart and realize it’s still the same today and that girl is waking up in the shadows with no change.

Do you fear?

Do you wonder what the “least of these” see each day? Unimaginable! But have hope because each of “these” smile more in a day than those with the Most!

Who is that?

Perhaps in suffering comes something more…the gift of love.

Healing Eyes

The girl in the golden dress

A little girl dressed in gold snuggled up to me without me knowing. She giggled at her sneakiness.

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A beautiful widow married 34 years shared her story with me. One of the few who spoke English. My new prayer friend who encouraged me to live.

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The kids surrounded me after walking off the bus. Yelling Mazungoo Mazungoo! (White person)

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For more photos please visit the healing eyes Facebook page

Healing Eyes

Children suffering from cancer in Uganda

The children suffering from cancer received clothes donated from the children in st Croix. I’ve never seen kids enjoy clothes so much. The beautiful dresses were a big hit and the dress pants were also with the boys.

The ukulele was a great way to connect with the boys and have them a distraction from feeling sick from the chemo treatments. Made me remember how exhausted Andy was from chemotherapy and I just wish I had learned the ukulele while he was alive.

 

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For more photos check out the healing eyes Facebook page
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Healing Eyes

Will Africa expose something?

Soon I will be getting on a plane again and this time traveling to a country beyond my experiences so far. It has been on my list of places to discover and now I’ll be serving there for 2 and half weeks alongside another Non-Profit.

It has been a hard two weeks with the holidays and facing memories left dormant from when he passed away. Each time I pull at the wound and discover new things about myself. Now I leave again and without a clear direction or what to expect. My internet connection will be limited and so blog posts may decrease but rest assured when I get back I am sure something will be different in me again. What I do with that is a huge unknown but at least I would have listened to a dream in me. A dream to travel and explore, to see how others live, and how others cope. This world is vast and not everyone lives the so called ‘comfortable’ life. Can I survive in such an environment? Only one way to find out….and that is to Go!

Healing Eyes

Delicate Flower in need of Watering

I’m not gonna lie..I’m feeling stupid, a bit silly, and entirely vulnerable.

Why?

I got a ‘grief’ booklet from the funeral home I used for Andy’s funeral one year ago in the mail. I proceeded to read it and each item in it was true to where I am right now. Except the part where I went off and started a Non-Profit and tossed being safe out the window. Although maybe that was one of the symptoms of grief in the booklet..come to think of it. So perhaps I am not that ‘abnormal’.

After a hurricane what do you do?

Pick up the pieces!

Help bring some sanity to this delicate little widow (cough cough dear friend who called me a ‘delicate flower’ in need of help) who went out on a limb and started a Non-Profit to help other people. Yes I am in the business to make NO profit and at the same time SERVE others in pain. Yup…it still sounds insane when I say it outloud.

If anything you can get a tax write off before 2014 is over?!
That has to be worth something:) !

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A 501c(3) Non-Profit. Receipts will be mailed to you for tax write-offs.

Healing Eyes