• sarah@healingeyes.org

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Discovering a new way to write online through ‘Medium’. Another way to expand to other writers out there I suppose, but it means maybe double posts.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this…

Healing Eyes

Experience felt at the Mechanics

I dropped my Jeep off at the mechanic to get the gaskets replaced and the first thing that made me smile and cringe at the same time was the smell of the Auto Shop. The grease, exhaust, tires, tools, and engines all brought back a comforting memory. Me and Andy working in the garage together on our Toyota Mr2, the smells are what bring back memories of times long past. Pre-cancer we could work on cars and play on windy tracks, that all changed after the stomach came out and his strength was lost.
The song on the radio when I first started the jeep was, Follow me..everything is alright. Ironic?

I am trying to follow but I am so sad when the sun sets.
When the sun exits and the moon rises
The ghosts of yesterday return
No more hugs
No more talks
He is gone and does not miss me
He is at peace while I am not
What a cruel twist of fate.

I can find some comfort I suppose in my spontaneous page flipping to these versus that were directed towards my heart in the midst of crying. A few people have compared my journey to the ‘Refiner’s fire’, I am being molded by fire that burns to the touch, it consumes every part in order to produce a diamond.

Isaiah 33:14
…Who of us can dwell with the consuming fire? Who of us can dwell with everlasting burning? Those who walk in righteously and speak what is right…

To await that day when the light will finally break and dawn brings that blessed healing of grief’s despair.

Isaiah 58:8
Then your light will break forth like the dawn and your healing will quickly appear..

To experience once more a peaceful night once that sun sets over the horizon. No more is it a darkness that enfolds me but a light so bright as if sunset refused to obey.

Isaiah 30:26
The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven full days, when the Lord binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted.

To hope once more that the choices made will bring about change in the heart, healing of the memories long gone, and hope to try each day for an abundant life.
It’s yet to be seen if hope will survive amidst so much loss all around. I see glimmers of it in the eyes of children, thru their frustration with being little and never being heard, as if there size means they aren’t more in tuned with the feelings of the heart. Are we not have a childlike mentality and to trust fully the Father, at what point in our life did that get lost? What evil robbed that innate gift from us and how can we get it back if fear clouds us from action.

Job 11:17
Life will be brighter than morning. You will be secure, because there is hope..

Healing Eyes

Ride for Refuge 2013

HELP ! I need to raise some money.. even if its only $10 🙂
I am BIKING next weekend for Refugees.. it’s a cause I am just starting to get involved with (odd, as I am not big on ’causes).
All pennies help !

Team Beyond aims to use the funds raised to build a Discipleship Camp & Retreat Center. Team Beyond plans to specifically use the Center for a 3-7 month discipleship program, with an emphasis on youth ages 18-30 from the communities where Team Beyond works. The goal of this program is to allow a significant period of time for relationship building and to allow the power of the gospel to transform the lives of those who participate.

 

Ride for Refuge 2013.

Healing Eyes

Back to school jitters

ImageTomorrow is Andy’s first day back to work after our Cancer diagnosis. It’s a test to see how far we’ve come since August 2012. His desk is probably just as he left it. It’s strange that this time last year our routine was to get up at 6am and both get ready to go to work. We would eat our breakfast, kiss each other goodbye and get in separate cars and drive to our separate jobs. That all changed one Fall day when the oncologist said those awful words, Cancer. Just like that Andy’s desk was abandoned, his computer left on from whatever he was working on before he vanished. In an instant the daily routine was doctor’s appointments and scans, instead of office meetings and phone calls. Daily fears of the cancer spreading, the unknown of what the doctors could do, instead of worrying about computers breaking or office squabbles.

I can only imagine what Andy is feeling right now, if he’s excited or scared, anxious or worried, but I know that I am for both of us. My stomach is churning, my heart is being squeezed, and breathing in I feel tightness in my chest. It’s only a ONE day test run but it feels so weird, our lives were put on pause for so long, it’s not just an easy on/off button we are pushing here. This is a reboot, waking up from a forced hard return, something you don’t wake up from and return the same. There are still bugs in the system, that virus called Cancer wasn’t easily removed, it took a part away that can’t ever be replaced. This whole time I have continued on for both of us, I went to work while Andy healed. I worked amongst others living there normal lives. I have experienced the awkwardness, the feelings of not knowing what to say, how to just work even though that pressing personal crap lingers. At any minute the phone could ring or a text comes thru saying come home now, or it’s time for a doctors appointment, another ER visit delaying a normal 5 day work week. I didn’t have cancer inside me but it sure put perspective on life. 

Knowing you have cancer is completely different than living with it, this new normal is terrifying, it’s not a happy day even though many think this is because going to work must signify healed. This is a slow return to reality where everything will be different and yet the same. It’s hard not to think too deep into this but .. wow .. we survived Gastric Stage 3b Cancer, we came out the other side, its now learning to live with what we were given and coping with what was taken away that is the new and most difficult stage of this journey. Cancer doesn’t end at diagnosis or even remission, I think, at least I am guessing we are not alone in this thought… but the next days and months and hopefully years are going to be an entirely different life. One day, one deep intake of breath, and one hug at a time. Those lurking CT scans and doctor visits won’t go away but maybe the ‘On’ button will start flashing again and we can heal.

Healing Eyes

Cancer Sucks Fundraising Page

Cancer Sucks Fundraising Page

Help raise money for Cancer! I am only up to $105 and my goal is $500 🙁 help me earn that free cycling jersey for my upcoming bike tour of 80 miles the end of June. The money goes for Skin Cancer Research. Just follow the link and be sure to donate to my fundraising page called ‘cancer sucks – ride harder’

Healing Eyes

2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 3,700 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 6 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Healing Eyes

Auto Show 2013

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Healing Eyes

Broken furnace

How to even begin this update…
Well cancer puts perspective on life I guess. So say we were “normal” people prior to illness, then waking up Saturday morning to find our furnace motor has died would be a terrible start to a weekend.
But we aren’t those people. A furnace breaking is nothing compared to our week of ups and downs from the side effects of chemotherapy. Going twice to get iv fluids for andy and watching him lay around in pain all day and night. Seeing his spirits raise for a minute and then plummet back down hour after hour. So bring it on furnace!! What else can you throw at us?

Let it snow all day…outdoor insulation to keep us warm until Monday. Possible longer if we can’t find someone to sell us a motor. Yes we are cheap! But it’s so simple to fix if only we had the right brackets and motor.

Healing Eyes

Pixie dust gone

Feeding tube time…it smells like vanilla (it gets old smelling after awhile).
We r now pros at hooking up the machine…so I figure when we are 90 and require extra nutrients thru a tube we will be all set.

Cancer sux
Post surgery sux
And having to leave andy to go to work tmrw sux

Yup not a Mushy and hopeful post today..just hard cold truth.

Oh and yoshi agrees! His tummy has taken the brunt of the stress from our little family circle, he’s on tummy meds now too.

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video on tube feeding setup

Healing Eyes

It’s inconceivable…I don’t think that word means what you think…

A picture is worth a thousand words!
It’s only a holding area for food….some people elect for this surgery. Total gastric bypass surgery.
Mind blowing but it is possible to live a full life after..

The date is set…November 26th 5am arrive.
Now then that just means November is party month! And party we will…any and all food will be eaten..(maybe not squid though, it’s not that great, fact).

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Healing Eyes