• sarah@healingeyes.org

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‘Break’ away to succeed?

Break up the hardness of their hearts. Sometimes hearts have to be broken to be cleaned up, made fertile for something to grow. Perhaps chipping away at hardened stone will produce beauty underneath or maybe the stone is too think to ever break through. Can a life be like a field needing tilling? Clear out the hard rock to produce soil. What will be done with that soil?

Yesterday Johan said, ‘Hi Mom’, very casually this time.

I have been in a funk this week, memories of Andy mixed with feelings of failing. I was working on my application for 501c3 status today and half way through Legal Zoom submitted it and now I am locked out. Two hours of heads down work and rationalizing what this non-profit is going to do and how its funded and then it’s all gone. I can’t call and complain since the office is closed for the holiday, I am entirely helpless while I wait to yell at someone at Legal Zoom for making an awful website. So much red tape and hoops to jump through and fees after fees to try and do what we are supposed to do. Help others. I am thinking it’s purposely daunting for the very reason to undermine trying to start something good.

In 6 weeks I will travel to Africa to see what I am up against. I still need my yellow fever shot and to come up with another $1700 bucks to do it with. I’m not terribly worried about the cost, more worried about staying healthy enough to get my yellow fever shot. Really want to bring supplies over with and get others excited about stepping in to help. The kids at the Boys and Girls club make me smile with there enthusiasm for helping make bracelets. We have about 100 made so far and they are demanding more rubber bands. Next week I hope a shipment arrives fast enough…these kids are so amazing on how they want to help.

What happens to us when we grow up that makes us lose that selfless desire to help? Is it all the stuff we can buy instead, like the crazy cheap plasma TVs the day after thanksgiving. Me and Andy bought TVs, the bigger the better, we were happy. I’m afraid when I go to Africa I am going to see so much sickness and helplessness that I’ll come back even more driven to make every penny count. But then will I just go crazy trying?

It’s so quiet here right now.. a calm before the storm. I am worried about failing at this non-profit thing and finding more directors for my board of directors that are a perfect fit. Proving to the IRS that I have a valid plan when I am scared that I don’t because it makes no sense. I see a book on the floor about How to Form a Non-profit…it has so many big words in it, it’s so confusing. I have my board meeting on Monday with my three dedicated members and I am supposed to have an agenda and go over bylaws and legal stuff and nominate new directors….all so foreign and insane.

But the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth, and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful.

It’s the journey, not the end goal… right?

September 15, 2012: I referred to being chipped away and not wanting to be shattered…under too much pressure. Was that the beginning of the chiseling of the stone to get at my heart.

Healing Eyes
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