• sarah@healingeyes.org

Tag Archives: cry

Feeling judged by others

When you make the decision to go to church there are a lot of things that deter you from following through. I don’t know about you but I know I couldn’t stand going to church for many many years when I was married. Few factors played a role in this fear of churches though. One being it feels like when you first walk in everyone stares at you and is judging you on your appearance and your morals. They don’t know you and you don’t know them but in your head you can feel the judgment piercing your thoughts. You may go there with some built up pain over life and events and feel as if anything you have done is far worse than what any of these other church goers have done, again judgment sinks in.

Second, you know you’ll listen to a sermon about something that may or may not cause you to cry. Which means others will now stare at you some more as you feel more and more isolated from those around you. Then not only do you feel judged but then you are judging others because you are thinking they must be better than you because they go to church all the time. And why aren’t they crying if you are crying, their has to be something wrong with you then.

Maybe no on else thinks like this?

I am starting my day today with hope. Ironic as saying that just now reminded me of the baby we lost that was named Hope and how Andy’s last words was he was going to take care of her in heaven. The past can never truly escape us but we can choose to live in the Now and let go of past pain and guilt, otherwise, life will be rather morbid and angry.

I start today with Hope. Hope for the benefit concert. Hope for little Billah in Uganda. Hope for Healing Eyes. Hope that somehow I’ll get some shampoo as my hotel size samples has exhausted itself.

If you fear churches but still want to come to the benefit concert than trust me when I say there will be no boring sermon and no judging stares. It’s a building full of people who have the same curiosity over life very far way and what we all should have a desire to do, helping orphans and widows who have reached the end of their hope in a series of unfortunate events.

Can’t make it on Sept 19th because your out of state? You still can support Healing Eyes by donating $8 for an absentee ticket. that is about 28,600 shillings in Uganda and would pay for one night lodging in October when I return to those orphans and widows in a distant land.

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When I can’t it must be the right path

When you look at someone crying what do you see?

When you look at someone screaming what do you see?

Why do I do what I do……simple…….because it would be crazy to NOT do what I do. I met with a friend over a smoothie at Starbucks today and she said I am not crazy. That going off to Africa isn’t crazy but actually quite appropriate. If I didn’t do what I do that would be a worser fate than settling for what I have been programmed to think as the right thing to do. Confused?

When I reach the point of … “I can’t” than it must be the right path to take because than it isn’t me doing it anymore but my invisible friend. The hard part comes when you think know one else understands or is with you on this decision. A decision that really is a no brainer because it’s what we are supposed to do. Bring Flavor to the world we live in and be Different…be compassionate…be empathetic…and to just BE.

I am looking to the left of me and I see my mattress sitting on the floor in my bedroom…its an irritant really that it’s on the floor and feels like college all over again. Looking for a platform bed but not wanting to spend the $150 on one if in a year I won’t need one. Looking at my couch that’s only a couple months old and think why did I need that….to feel normal? Everything can be gone again and it doesn’t matter how hard I hold onto it… Kind of like life, we can hold on to it so tightly but still lose it in many ways.By walking past that person in need that was crying silently inside and too afraid to show it. By walking past that child screaming on the inside but too afraid to express it.

What do you See when others cry? You should see you in their pain and let go of the walls that we put up to protect ourselves from connecting with another’s life.

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It’s not over yet

It’s not over yet

Have you ever hit your limit and feel finished? A friend sent me a link to a song called ‘It’s not over yet‘.

I listened to it after arriving at the condo I am staying at while visiting St. Croix for 2 weeks. Sometimes a song can really hit hard and sum up all the feelings inside and bring you to tears. Sometimes those tears are a great release to feel better. Sucks while you go through it but afterwards you feel a little weight off of your heart.

Wondering at what point I’ll feel less like a leaf blowing in the wind and more like a person with meaning again. If this is what everyone goes through after someone dies than I don’t know how any of us are functioning adults.

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