• sarah@healingeyes.org

Tag Archives: ct scan

I don’t know what’s worse..

Waiting for good news or bad.

A year ago we didn’t have to wait, the bad news just blind sighted us out of no where.  A blessing in a way because we couldn’t get worked up about what the bad was that came. This time we have had ample time to imagine the worse, dream up the best, and hypothesize over ‘what ifs’.

I prefer surprises over planned surprises. Shortly we will be back at the hospital getting a CT scan that may or may not tell us anything. Either way, whatever results come back this week will drag.

Healing Eyes

falling … no end in sight

It only takes a week to be set all the way back to zero again. You can be moving along thinking things are getting better and then it just takes a second and it all starts again. Every memory, moment, feeling, fear, all rush back. We are less than 3 days away from the dreaded and anticipated CT Scan. Three months of waiting, wondering, dreading… what will show up this time. What is next? It must be the anticipation that is causing Andy to be so sick this week. Every night he’s sick, can’t eat, can’t keep food down. People don’t like to talk about things when they go bad. Pain hurts everyone, which must be why its a topic better left unspoken. People ask you, ‘How’s it going’? but they don’t really want to hear the truth. Sometimes its easier to just smile and nod with the standard ‘Ok’ response.

Less than 3 days away…

The familiar drive to the hospital…the cold entrance doors…the blank stares and fake smiles from the reception desk..that awful smell of cleaning supplies and sickness..the flickering fluorescent lights. Others sitting and waiting, all for various reasons, who knows if that person has cancer or just broke a leg.

Less than 3 days away… means nothing really, cancer or no cancer we still have no stomach. Try to comprehend what that means!!!!! You can’t eat your favorite meals, you can’t find comfort in food, eating hurts, socializing to eat isn’t enjoyable, its never the same again.  I have a stomach so I don’t really know what it’s like, its not fair for me to explain. But really! That stomach really is a necessity, you don’t appreciate something until it’s gone.  When doctors say, ” you can live without a stomach”, look at them and say, “really? You try it!”  Almost a year ago when this all started we had no idea how far down we would fall, I think even now we haven’t fallen to the bottom yet. .. it’s a test to see how subterranean we can go.

Healing Eyes

Why cancer doesn’t stop ruining your life after removal

When cancer is first found it will change everything, I mean everything in your life. It doesn’t matter what stage or what kind because it doesn’t discriminate. As it secretly burrowed it’s way into your blood stream it will continue to eak it’s way into every single minute of the day. If this sounds sad, complainy, whiney, or morbid than stop reading. If you came to this blog to find fuzzy rainbows of hope and half truths than go no farther. I only speak what’s real and share the hard parts of cancer that most can’t swallow.

It’s been almost 12 months since Andy was diagnosed. It’s been 8 months since the major surgery. It’s been 4 months since the last rounds of chemo.
His last ct scan in April showed pulmonary embolism which resulted in a hospital stay.

The impending follow up ct scan is now quickly approaching. Since people think the months between ct scans are a break. A reprieve from cancer. Time to catch your breathe. Each scan and year that passes are supposed to be milestones. None of that is true.. Like I said, cancer is always there and never far from your thoughts and fears.

I desperately hope the scans show nothing and we can wake up from this nightmare. The day after the scans we will feel no different, no magical weight will lift from our hearts. It will just be another passing trial of our patience and strength of love for each other.
I still will go to bed each night and see the wear and tear on Andy’s body. The exhaustion in his eyes as he fights to stay strong. With each day he gets stronger then next day could knock him down again. It’s the ebb and flow of cancer.
We hate cancer. We hate what it has done to our life. We hate how it never goes away.
I do not hate how strong we are, or that no matter the outcomes our love will always win.
Cancer is many things.. It takes so very much away.. But it can’t take away the one thing precious, the only thing that reacts the opposite to cancers vile poison. Cancer strengthens love.. It reveals what love is.

It is the hardest thing to watch your love suffer during and after cancer and all the times in between.

Powerless to help.. While begging for peace.

Healing Eyes