• sarah@healingeyes.org

Tag Archives: disbelief

Feeling judged by others

When you make the decision to go to church there are a lot of things that deter you from following through. I don’t know about you but I know I couldn’t stand going to church for many many years when I was married. Few factors played a role in this fear of churches though. One being it feels like when you first walk in everyone stares at you and is judging you on your appearance and your morals. They don’t know you and you don’t know them but in your head you can feel the judgment piercing your thoughts. You may go there with some built up pain over life and events and feel as if anything you have done is far worse than what any of these other church goers have done, again judgment sinks in.

Second, you know you’ll listen to a sermon about something that may or may not cause you to cry. Which means others will now stare at you some more as you feel more and more isolated from those around you. Then not only do you feel judged but then you are judging others because you are thinking they must be better than you because they go to church all the time. And why aren’t they crying if you are crying, their has to be something wrong with you then.

Maybe no on else thinks like this?

I am starting my day today with hope. Ironic as saying that just now reminded me of the baby we lost that was named Hope and how Andy’s last words was he was going to take care of her in heaven. The past can never truly escape us but we can choose to live in the Now and let go of past pain and guilt, otherwise, life will be rather morbid and angry.

I start today with Hope. Hope for the benefit concert. Hope for little Billah in Uganda. Hope for Healing Eyes. Hope that somehow I’ll get some shampoo as my hotel size samples has exhausted itself.

If you fear churches but still want to come to the benefit concert than trust me when I say there will be no boring sermon and no judging stares. It’s a building full of people who have the same curiosity over life very far way and what we all should have a desire to do, helping orphans and widows who have reached the end of their hope in a series of unfortunate events.

Can’t make it on Sept 19th because your out of state? You still can support Healing Eyes by donating $8 for an absentee ticket. that is about 28,600 shillings in Uganda and would pay for one night lodging in October when I return to those orphans and widows in a distant land.

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Healing Eyes

Can it be as easy as saying Yes

Don’t judge an event by it’s cover and never doubt that when God says DO something that he won’t follow through.

What do you think of when you hear Benefit Concert or orphans in Africa?  Lots of cliche’s I bet and also completely over done publicity on needing to help the starving in Africa. I know it’s real and I also found photos of kids starving and all the hopelessness there too overwhelming to even think I could do something. Well that was 3 years ago back when life seemed simpler.  But life can still be SIMPLE, really!  If we just take a moment to view one child who captures our hearts and then connect with a few more as we open our hearts to more we can see how plausible it is to help the helpless. Orphans are supposed to be cared for and widows should step out and take charge. Through our weakness God can shine through and do all the work.

Case in point..

Tonight I met with some awesome people about the benefit concert. Never met them before and was going on a leap of faith it would turn out beneficial and that it was the right direction for Healing Eyes. I even ordered the post card mailers with there address on it for the venue before meeting them. Leap of Faith here we go.

What happened?

Well I was shown again how small I am in the grand scheme of things and that God already had it covered. I sat back and listened to this group of professionals plan out each part of the event, down to permits and parking and even filling holes in the grass. I just had to share my passion and my story as to why I am doing all of this and sit back and let God do what he had already laid ahead of me. Silly Sarah…worrying about how impossible a concert would be. It’s all taken care of and is definitely a GO!

If you want to see miracles than just come on by Sept 19th from 6-8pm and hear some good music and listen to me share my passion again for what we found in Africa to sink our teeth into as a non-profit. It really is amazing and so not me behind it all.

I’m just a little widow who gave it all up to find my first love again after my life was taken away…finding it amidst one small girl by a waterfall and hundreds of orphans luring me back home.

Go To Whoa a Benefit Concert  to order your ticket and sit front row to a miracle in the making

Healing Eyes

A sweeter tasting truth than what you can buy here

Look at a banana…is it yellow and curved? Does it not look the same as a banana you could find anywhere in the world? Once you look inside it also looks exactly the same as a banana here or there…HOWEVER…something is different once you taste it. One is sweeter than the other, one is closer to the origin than the other, and one is living in conditions entirely different than the now transplanted piece of fruit.

Now look at a Faith lived out in Michigan and Faith lived in Africa. When you first arrive at the airport in a foreign country it will look the same as anywhere else. Does it not have signs and lights just like anywhere in the world? Once you look inside it has chairs and people running to destinations just like any airport here or there…HOWEVER…something is different once you TASTE it.

Stepping outside you will see odd people and odd smells, cars on the wrong side of the road, farther out you will see odd trees and strange surroundings. Go farther and start living as they live and that is where you will finally see how Faith lived here is vastly different than faith lived in Michigan. Often faith in the States is superficial and not tested. How can I say that? Because my faith here is weak, no sooner do I return than I already doubt everything and want to give up. I can flip a switch and have reliable power, turn the faucet and water comes out that I can drink! No bugs on the floor, risk of ring worm is low, and I have a car with roads that actually can take me somewhere I mean to go. There are jobs that will pay money regularly, and supermarkets that have what I want when I go inside them. How can I have faith in the invisible when I can easily obtain what I see right now!

Why should I chose one life over the other? This one seems more alluring and comfortable, many people can live like this and its perfectly fine, we have to have people living like this in order to help others not living like this. So I have a legitimate case as to why it would be ok to get a job in the normal sense and live comfortably.

I tasted radical faith. I tasted a Sweeter faith just like that oh so fresh banana that melts in your mouth. I just ate a banana here and it is bland and boring. I lived for 6 weeks in a 3rd world country and was miserable most of the time, if I re-read my journal I am complaining and asking to die more often than I am exclaiming happiness, joy, and warm fuzzy rainbowness. I do remember talking on the phone one day exclaiming I am not coming back, I have found my place and its perfect, you’ll have to come here to see me again. Then the very next day I was screaming to come home and was tired of no hot shower and lack of control over my own whereabouts. It was that ONE DAY where I tasted the sweetest poison and I can’t shake it. Borne out of suffering and perseverance to get there and I found what I was looking for there…but then I had to say good bye to it. Each day in Kenya I had barely any control over what I was doing and rarely did any tutoring like I thought I would in the schools. Often the days would be just staring at a wall for hours and occasionally being in a classroom. I learned patient endurance and faith that what I sought was going to appear. I saw why I was in St. Croix for a year and the patience I learned there was extremely helpful in preparing me for this. Tricks I picked up in my boredom there was used to keep me at peace numerous times in kenya. It has all been preparation for the next thing so that it was more of a gradual removal of familiarity and comfort so not to shock me to death. God doesn’t ask us to shock ourselves to death by submission but instead he asks to just let go little by little until you have nothing left to cling to and can be like that sweet banana growing closer to the vine and picked at just the right time for harvest.

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Healing Eyes

Why can churches be so painfully uninspiring

Crisis of faith. Heaviness on my heart. More questions than answers at this point on where Healing Eyes goes from here. Unless a miracle happens soon I may be giving up on this mission. I know I didn’t expect a clear direction while here but it would be nice for more assurances than doubt while here. 

A rooster crows. A goose quacks. The minutes drag by and I can only think of escape. 

Went to a catholic mass today that possibly has caused me to want to go back to Agnostic beliefs. It was painfully long and all in Swahili so I had no clue of what they were saying. Then they sang songs over and over. I am human and sadly I complain. Forgive me for my honesty. But if that is religion I want nothing to do with it. Why do you think people turn away from religion … Could it be churches? Don’t kill the messenger here but after this morning I am not a religion fan. I always strive for honesty on this blog even if it sounds harsh. Is this blog too blunt? Should I censor my heart more? 

Yea maybe.  But would it be an interesting read still?

Let’s see what is a positive note I can share? Ah my ringworm is clearing up lol!! 

If you pray and if you don’t consider saying one for me this week to not lose hope on the last legs of this trip. Don’t pray for safety or health instead say this, “Please let sarah find the beauty around her she is supposed to see and show her the path to take.” “Bring the kids to her in hundreds and help her see Billah again.”

Lastly….

“Tell her if she is supposed to keep going in Africa and if not make it crystal clear to her as to what job is next.”

Thanks everyone. 

Healing Eyes
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