• sarah@healingeyes.org

Tag Archives: dreams

Feeling judged by others

When you make the decision to go to church there are a lot of things that deter you from following through. I don’t know about you but I know I couldn’t stand going to church for many many years when I was married. Few factors played a role in this fear of churches though. One being it feels like when you first walk in everyone stares at you and is judging you on your appearance and your morals. They don’t know you and you don’t know them but in your head you can feel the judgment piercing your thoughts. You may go there with some built up pain over life and events and feel as if anything you have done is far worse than what any of these other church goers have done, again judgment sinks in.

Second, you know you’ll listen to a sermon about something that may or may not cause you to cry. Which means others will now stare at you some more as you feel more and more isolated from those around you. Then not only do you feel judged but then you are judging others because you are thinking they must be better than you because they go to church all the time. And why aren’t they crying if you are crying, their has to be something wrong with you then.

Maybe no on else thinks like this?

I am starting my day today with hope. Ironic as saying that just now reminded me of the baby we lost that was named Hope and how Andy’s last words was he was going to take care of her in heaven. The past can never truly escape us but we can choose to live in the Now and let go of past pain and guilt, otherwise, life will be rather morbid and angry.

I start today with Hope. Hope for the benefit concert. Hope for little Billah in Uganda. Hope for Healing Eyes. Hope that somehow I’ll get some shampoo as my hotel size samples has exhausted itself.

If you fear churches but still want to come to the benefit concert than trust me when I say there will be no boring sermon and no judging stares. It’s a building full of people who have the same curiosity over life very far way and what we all should have a desire to do, helping orphans and widows who have reached the end of their hope in a series of unfortunate events.

Can’t make it on Sept 19th because your out of state? You still can support Healing Eyes by donating $8 for an absentee ticket. that is about 28,600 shillings in Uganda and would pay for one night lodging in October when I return to those orphans and widows in a distant land.

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Can it be as easy as saying Yes

Don’t judge an event by it’s cover and never doubt that when God says DO something that he won’t follow through.

What do you think of when you hear Benefit Concert or orphans in Africa?  Lots of cliche’s I bet and also completely over done publicity on needing to help the starving in Africa. I know it’s real and I also found photos of kids starving and all the hopelessness there too overwhelming to even think I could do something. Well that was 3 years ago back when life seemed simpler.  But life can still be SIMPLE, really!  If we just take a moment to view one child who captures our hearts and then connect with a few more as we open our hearts to more we can see how plausible it is to help the helpless. Orphans are supposed to be cared for and widows should step out and take charge. Through our weakness God can shine through and do all the work.

Case in point..

Tonight I met with some awesome people about the benefit concert. Never met them before and was going on a leap of faith it would turn out beneficial and that it was the right direction for Healing Eyes. I even ordered the post card mailers with there address on it for the venue before meeting them. Leap of Faith here we go.

What happened?

Well I was shown again how small I am in the grand scheme of things and that God already had it covered. I sat back and listened to this group of professionals plan out each part of the event, down to permits and parking and even filling holes in the grass. I just had to share my passion and my story as to why I am doing all of this and sit back and let God do what he had already laid ahead of me. Silly Sarah…worrying about how impossible a concert would be. It’s all taken care of and is definitely a GO!

If you want to see miracles than just come on by Sept 19th from 6-8pm and hear some good music and listen to me share my passion again for what we found in Africa to sink our teeth into as a non-profit. It really is amazing and so not me behind it all.

I’m just a little widow who gave it all up to find my first love again after my life was taken away…finding it amidst one small girl by a waterfall and hundreds of orphans luring me back home.

Go To Whoa a Benefit Concert  to order your ticket and sit front row to a miracle in the making

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Are Dreams real or just fragments of a subconscious…

I had a dream and a vision the other night, if you believe in that sort of thing. My late husband was with me and he told me, “he wasn’t in pain and he was ok, that he had our baby with him and she was oh so beautiful”. He went on to say, “Don’t give up Sarah, It is quite beautiful here and someday we will hug again but for now you have live even though I am dead”. “I am ok”.

Then there a bunch of british soldiers storming a castle I think and some gun fire and then I think a monster and then a ton of kids running towards me. No idea what that means! HA!

We also talked a bit about his last days of cancer and how he changed and that I couldn’t handle that Andy…that the disease had taken over his brain, he said, “He understood and he didn’t like how he felt either and that he loved me still and I loved him still.”

So are Dreams Real or just fragments of a subconscious we ignore?

Beats me but I sure didn’t want to wake up after dreams like that where Andy and I were us again. Where he comforts me and tells me to remember just the good memories and to let the cancer memories fade. He encouraged me to remember specific happy memories and then another and another until I peacefully fell asleep. Then he kept at me in my dreams to tell me he was ok. So I believe dreams are more than dreams…

Now then did I get my miracle to keep on track with Africa?

Well I sure can’t say no to Andy urging me on! I really can’t say no to God saying Don’t Give Up either. So I am in a pickle.

I need employment of some kind for the downtimes and that will be ok with me going off to Africa for 6 weeks. Does that even exist?

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Lost Dreams

For the first time I am realizing I have no dreams left. All the dreams me and Andy had together are now gone.

 

We dreamt of having a bigger house and a large garage for all our cars.

We dreamt of having kids.

We dreamt of getting better jobs.

We dreamt of growing old together.

We dreamt of having a cabin in the wood in the U.P. together.

We dreamt of retiring together.

We put all our hopes and dreams on a life together forever.

 

Now

It’s gone…

Just like that there is nothing left of that dream.

 

I am sitting in a beautiful little condo by the Caribbean sean. The wind is blowing, the waves are crashing on the rocks literally feet below my deck…and I am sad..I am crying and clutching Andy’s wallet. His wallet untouched from the final day in the hospital. When I took his final belongings with me and his body went to a room I never saw. His sweatshirt he was wearing is now covering my laptop to keep the salt from ruining my computer. If Andy was here he would be going crazy about the effect of salt on electronics.

 

My dreams are gone… lost in the wind that now beats on the windows. Will I ever get it back? Will I ever dream of a life that doesn’t involve Andy? Right now it feels too soon and somewhat like betraying him to think I should live and dream with out him. Though I go to bed tonight and close my eyes I pray I dream of Andy and he smiles at me one more time. I feel his loving embrace and his eskimo kiss on my nose. If that were to happen I would wake smiling, knowing he is at peace and that I should be too. That is a fairy tale though. Life is far from a fairy tale.

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