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Speak Louder Please

So I asked God tonight why am I here? What am I supposed to do…? After a painful afternoon of solitude in the very hot room I reside in. Feeling sorry for myself and doubting my decisions. Missing Andy and what I used to have.

He answered with Matthew 12:18-21 which talked about a Chosen Servant. Which then led me to a bunch of other verses and finally landed on Matthew 12:44-45

“Then it says, I will return to the house I left. When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.”

Now I can’t take this all literally but I feel an interesting theme about being chosen and needing to be filled up with some Good vibes. Now I’m going to take a chance and include my personal journal entry that I got from this soul searching endeavor. Usually I censor a bit my blog posts to not get too personal and not too Godly but for some reason this one feels important.

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When I lost everything I became broken and empty. I then started to remember God and my love for him. If I don’t fill myself with God than its an empty room for others to occupy…putting the old desires of worldly things and possessions back in. The comforts of my life and security of having a job.

By moving to St Croix and being around new Godly people I am exposing myself to good and Godly things to fill me back up before someone else wins. That’s one reason of many why I had to come back here so soon, because if I didn’t I would be tempted to fall back into my old routine and not let God take control. I don’t have to give up everything forever but I do have to give God time to fill my empty heart back up with good and hope and unharden my heart. All this in order to go back and live a life more in tune with what God wanted for me before I strayed.

So what does this all mean? It means I had an awesome 13 year marriage filled with love and happiness. It was taken away from me and Andy suffered miserably in the end but thru that pain he accepted God and now is at rest. It wasn’t cancer that made his heart change but somehow the crack got bigger in his heart and he found a great peace. Now for me, losing Andy has caused a huge astronomic gaping hole in my heart that could easily be filled up with my past way of living. This could be ok but I have to be cautious because this time I want to put God first. God knew all of this and planted the seed in me to step out of my comfort zone and be willing to try something new. This ‘new’ doesn’t have to be forever but it does have a time and place.. and timing is everything. So I need to sit back and enjoy the ride, be patient, and accept my limitations of NO car and LIMITED freedom.. and the part that is REALLY hard to adjust to is NO personal space like I had when I owned a home.

So OK…I see a bit more of the puzzle piece and I’ll wait before I buy a ticket back home. Ugh

 

 

Healing Eyes

Proof of what?

I need your pain…it’s not love any other way

I already know who you are and all the things that kept us apart… It’s enough, it’s not enough to just say I’m ok..I need your hurt.. I need your pain.

“You are Mine for all Time … utterly secure you are…your future is absolutely assured!”

Those were the words I read this morning when I got into work for March 10th out of the ‘Jesus Calling’ book on a friends desk. Every morning I walk over, regardless of how busy I am, and read the daily inspiration for the day. There is no hiding it, God is screaming at me and proving with each step I take that it is ever SO right! How did I live for so long outside of this amazing embrace of faith?! Maybe it was the fear of believing and fear of losing control. 

I worried that this blog might turn into a ‘Religious’ ‘Christian’ blog more than a journey of ‘LIVING’. Why do we put so much attention on the word ‘Religion’ and what denomination we are, what the differences are between each of us, and being a ‘good’ christian? Because then we concentrate on all those things instead of just BELIEVING in something more and LIVING truly in faith of a LOVE we all can touch. Sometimes I just feel like my words are not my own and my story could have purpose to touch others… Maybe that’s my calling?!

Each day is a surprise on how it unfolds before me. The day started slowly by hitting the snooze button. It got better as I went thru the day listening to what God wanted me to hear and see. Then as the night closes in and I realize my bed is alone I look to the memories of times lost. For those who have lost a husband to cancer they can understand the pain. The relief felt after death finally releases there husband from the grips of pain. I went to the cancer center the other day where Andy had his surgery and I visited the garden on the top floor. It had both good and bad memories obviously, but I wanted to face something by going there. It wasn’t really closure but a closeness with the battle we fought that 2 weeks in the hospital. I even reconnected with his doctor while there. She was a doctor that always cared about Andy and took such care in answering our questions and concerns (I have to be careful since I know she may be reading this haha:). But really, you can’t find many doctors who give so much time and care for a patient, one of many patients who drain there emotions day after day. Knowing that those who come in may eventually die from the disease while watching them suffer from the pain and reality of the truth. She told me, “Sarah, you did everything you could…the disease was too much for Andy…it wasn’t your fault. It may take a long time to truly believe that, Sarah, but you loved Andy so much, it was obvious to everyone you loved him even thru the hard times. It wasn’t your fault”.

It may seem obvious to think that dying from Cancer is not the caregivers fault. But there is a part of me that believes I didn’t do enough and that I did kill Andy. How ridiculous that sounds when saying it aloud! But I watched him suffer, I watched him die, I felt his last breathe. I helped him find relief from the pain with the morphine drip. I made him comfortable in his final hours. The disease killed Andy but the disease also killed me. It killed an innocence in me, a belief that we are all in control of our lives. I will never forget the ravishing effects that chemo took on Andy’s frail body, the broken heart of a man who lost everything and when faced with dying finally gave in. Made the choice to stop fighting and leave this earth. When I was in St. Croix I read a book, Proof of Heaven, and at the end of it was a poem. I know this will lengthen this blog entry but I know thru it’s words it gave me peace and it was as if Andy was saying to me, he didn’t want to go but…

“When tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not there to see, If the sun should rise and find your eyes are filled with tears for me; I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today, while thinking of the many things, we didn’t get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you, and each time you think of me, I know you’ll miss me too. But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand, that an angel came and called my name,
and took me by the hand, and said my place was ready, In heaven far above and that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love. But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye For all my life, I’d always thought,
I didn’t want to die. I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do. It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you. I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad, The thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had. I’d say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile. But then I fully realized that this could never be.
For emptiness and memories would take the place of me. And when I thought of worldly things I might miss come tomorrow. I thought of you, and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow. But when I walked through heaven’s gates I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me, from his great golden throne, He said, “This is eternity, and all i’ve promised you. Today your life on earth is past but here it starts a new. I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last and since each day’s the same say. There is no longing for the past. You have been so faithful, so trusting and so true. Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldnt do. But you have been forgiven and now at last you’re free. So won’t you come and take my head and share my life with me?”
So when tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re for apart, for every time you think of me I’m right here, in your heart.

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Healing Eyes

Quotes from: Experiencing God by Henry and Richard Blackaby

“When you trust that God always gives his best, you will devote your heart to whatever assignment God gives because you know in that role you can experience everything God has in his heart for you.”

“When God gives you a directive you can be sure he has already considered every factor. ”

“When your life is centered in Gods’ activity, he will rearrange your thinking. God’s ways and thoughts are so different from yours that they will often appear wrong, unloving, or impossible. You will often realize that the task he assigns is far beyond your power or resources to accomplish. as soon as you recognize that the job appears humanly unattainable, you need to be ready to believe and to trust him completely.”

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One night I asked for more.
One night I asked for it all to end.
One night I asked to save me from the pain.
One night I screamed out, “I give up, take my life!”

and

One day God said, ‘Ok’.

One day at a time is my motto ever since Cancer. Now more than ever it is becoming clearer as to how important that saying is. Today I purchased heavy duty tupperware bins to pack just enough clothing and necessities for the new direction in my life. From a house packed full of things and 4 cars in a driveway I am reduced to 2 tupperware bins. When I made the decision to follow the unthinkable .. become childlike in my trust of God’s plan for my new chapter in life I never thought it would mean this. Each day I am faced with imposing doubt of what used to be precious to me. To surrender it all, risk it all to find a bigger purpose in life…oh what madness..but what if by chance faith can win. To have fear is to doubt..how can I doubt the one who wants the best for me, he wouldn’t send me away if it wasn’t a path that would eventually lead to the best for me. Yes there will be pain, ups and downs, trials, but oh what sweet victory to truly live! Find the beauty in the rain, the sun, the simple act of breathing, appreciating each blessing every day as if it were my last. To not live in limbo of the future…without worrying about each imposing day ahead of me..can we all not live like that? Trapped by our own worry and doubt of a future we can’t control.

Step out with me to see a world full of hope and a touch less sorrow. The pain of our past and present will always remain but to seek ways to be happy amidst the storms of life, now that’s worth doing. Finally a challenge worth accepting.. 34 years in the making (with a 13 year intermission of love and life lessons)!

So what am I up to? Well I have eluded to it in my previous posts..something about God’s calling and a remote island. Putting the pieces together? In April I will be leaving my home, friends, and family to follow a small voice inside that says, ‘Go’.  Leave behind what is familiar and have faith in the impossible…
Walk with others strong in their faith, learn to live a simpler life and stop trying to DO everything and control each day. God doesn’t always give specific details of his plan but nudges you in the right direction. I have been given a nudge to help out at Lighthouse Ministries, BE around others in need, BE around God’s love, and BE with children. Along the way if my skills in technology, design, and leadership can be used than by all means God will make it happen. If I am hungry or need shelter than God will provide it. If I am sad or in pain than God will be there to hold me. All of this is foreign to me, and yet it feels so right to trust .. to give up controlling since I have learned thru much suffering and loss that its futile to fight God’s will.

I have started a fundraising website again but this time instead of going to just heal from Andy’s loss… I am going to follow a dream, an awakening of my heart and soul to God.. what madness it is:)  God brought me out of my comfort zone to show me love he can only give to a broken heart.

I will be staying at a wonderful lady’s house again, in a quaint room with showers from the rain that falls from the heavens. My belongings will be simple and my diet will be limited (I never was a good cook…kinda lazy on that front). My income will be cut in half while I attempt to still work online. My puppies will be staying with a family member and thanks to prayer I will not have to separate Yoshi and Miko from each other. The rest of the details will work themselves out each day as I lead up to my flight.

Andy can you believe it!? Out of great pain will come great hope! It’s going to be ok…

Donate here: Fundraising Page

Healing Eyes

Miracles

Why has God sent me to St. Croix after the biggest traumatic event of my life?

God knows ha …

Seriously, getting on the plane to come here was one of the hardest things to do. Planning a funeral a day after Andy died was just a step I had to do and it was structured, check I can do that. Crying with Andy day after day while struggling with Cancer, Check I can do that (mostly, that really wears a soul down). Now listen to God when he is screaming to get my attention and try and show me a side to life that can be happy, not so good at that one. Why is that? Am I that against trying to smile and be happy that I fight it so much? Yup I think I am that messed up.

Even if I fall sometimes God is there to slap me in the face and say, ‘Sarah come on it’s ok to live’. Try it for an hour each day and then a bit more as time goes by and maybe, just maybe you’ll get used to it.

Today I had a birthday cake that I wasn’t expecting. My birthday is the 15th and I am dreading it. Two reasons: first one without Andy and its right after Valentine’s day. Did I cry when I got sung to and tried to blow the candles out, Yes yes I did. Did it make me think of how Andy and my friend back home used to do Cake off’s on birthdays, Yes yes it did. Do I need to just suck it up and be ok with enjoying a birthday, Yes yes I do. But I also need to cut myself some slack because it’s ok to grieve and cry. The 15th of Feb will be 2 months from Dec 15th, that’s a pretty big deal.

Back to what God has in mind for this trip. I think he wanted to crack open my heart and stretch me a bit. Learn how to give up my daily baths in exchange for cold showers in order to appreciate the water he gives me back home. Appreciate electricity since we really do take it for granted back home. Appreciate the kindness of others is far up the list of what to take home with me. Let people be nice and accept it as a good thing is another thing to accept as ok. Slow down and just enjoy the day and watch as it enfolds…its amazing how unexpected a day will be when you don’t force it into something it shouldn’t be. Meaning that if you ‘Let it be’ than God can work his ideas for the day in. For instance, Saturday I asked God to Bless Me, not someone else but ME. Give me an opportunity or something to just be blessed. So what happens, I’m walking on this beautiful beach on the West end with tourists and locals.. The fisherman down the beach interested me the most because they had no fishing poles but just wheels of fishing line. Now that’s cool, I wonder if I have the guts to just say Hi. Ok I pass one guy and chicken out, then another and the chance disappears. On my walk back I decide ok just Say HI and don’t be shy. The first guy I say, “What you catching?” and he says “To eat”. I smile and clarify, “Did you catch anything?” .. and so our conversation begins, he has several fish in his bucket and he’s so friendly and he asks if I am on vacation. I say yea kinda on vacation but also helping out at Lighthouse Missions. He says I should come back again and vacation here.. I smile and say Yah 🙂  Anyways I continue down the beach and talk to each fisherman and look at there fish and we all smile. It was something out of my comfort zone but I found it nice to just Talk to strangers about fish. Later we went miles away to a spot to hike and who do we see? The first fisherman in his truck and he recognizes us.. such a small island I guess. It’s just neat how God works in building relationships, even if they are small ones, it’s nice to connect in life. Most of the time we are too busy are stuck in our own bubbles to just say, Hi.

That’s it.. not a super exciting story but it’s just one way God is trying to open my mind to.

A friend sent me this song and it sums up how falling isn’t always so bad because it shows our strength thru faith in God. We are all stronger than we know and should never give up no matter how dark it gets in our hearts.

Healing Eyes