• sarah@healingeyes.org

Tag Archives: god

Can fear drive faith?

I would like everyone to take a moment of silence and see life through a different lens for 5 minutes. If you were told to just blindly trust something you can’t see in hopes that you would still eat and have shelter but you didn’t know how, would you feel comfortable doing that? Would it be easy to just say ‘ok’ and have no anxiety or fear about it? What if you had under two months to get a large sum of money together in order to spend time with orphans suffering in a far off land? But you believed it was possible and knew up until the final hour you would be provided for….(periodically you would freak out and run but generally speaking you would hold steady).

Today I just saw it come true…the promise was kept…and I have nothing to worry about in regards to finances for this mission because the Post Carrier just dropped off the final miracle on my final day to get the money all together. I drove to one church and found a check placed under a rock and then I came home and saw the postal carrier depositing the other check in my mailbox earlier than expected. So YES, I now truly have the entire funds needed and promised to me back when I decided to Believe it’s possible and Asked for help from others.

A friend asked me today, “Wouldn’t it seem like it should get easier the more you go?” “Yet it seems it only gets bigger and scarier the more you decide to follow”. Why is that?

I might be wrong but I think it is because…

If we don’t fear relinquishing control how can we grow perseverance.
If we never fear than wouldn’t it be too easy to give things up for God. And then how would we grow in trust?
If we are supposed to turn over anxiety and fear to God then how can we if we don’t have it to begin with?
If it gets easier the more we trust than how can we learn from suffering, if we never feel it because we numbly go along trusting God because we know he knows best. But then later we can reflect and learn and grow from knowing why we were afraid at the time but that then allows us to connect with each other in the common fear of fear.
Those who don’t believe in Gods love will think us dumb sheep who do what the master says to do and hence think we are stupid. When they are hurting and think they must be alone since Christians make it look so fake and unreal because they think we are without worry and real fear.
Even if we do as the ‘boss’ says to do but show our weakness of fear than we are in effect showing to others we are too weak and can’t do it alone. But since we show it we than prove Gods message to rely on him even when we are weak and scared. Be scared but still go!! Because that’s how he proves the plan all along.
If I ever lose fear and tears when going I might start to think I’m in control and don’t need God because it’s no big deal each time I go.
Kind of like a catch 22! Give fear over but still requires to show it?
Healing Eyes

Comfort to others through suffering 

 Packing supplies for upcoming trip to Kenya…quite a few are for one girl named Billah that I still need to figure out how to get to, but where there is a will there is a way!

It’s been very exciting see others join me in buying the supplies I need. I bought books, pencils, and a children bible and no sooner did I put the request out to friends and the support came in from as far as St Croix! I love seeing how God is using my relationships built over the year to further his plan. It seems I am repeatedly bring put in my place by humbling myself to depend on God to do the heavy lifting behind my back. 

Many of you followed my blog years ago pre-cancer and pre-faith. It’s crazy to see how much has changed and how my perspective on life has changed. Perhaps suffering really does mold us under the fire of pain to create a more complete version of ourselves. I know I miss Andy as if it was just yesterday when he died and yet I still keep going on and am amazed at what I am capable of. It isn’t me! It isn’t my strength!

I mean today I stood in a church and was prayed over! That’s just crazy and out of my comfort zone yet again…who have I become and what is waiting for me in Africa? 

Perhaps being willing to open my arms to the unknown has finally opened the door for my first lover to show me what abundant love is…that empty feeling inside I tried filling with things and expectations of society was never enough. Is this the secret of life? Complete submission to faith and trusting that still small voice inside?

I hope so!! I know I’m scared to keep going and I still cry a lot but if I can be comforted by a God like this than perhaps others can experience it to! Living precariously through my walk:)

Tuesday is coming fast…and I will board that plane again…trusting my invisible friend and first love..Jesus. 

   

Healing Eyes

An elephant will fit in my carry on right?

Maybe I went a little bit overboard on last minute things for Africa….In all fairness most of the cost is teaching materials such as flash cards and bible stories for kids. Yes I may have spoiled one girl a bit that I don’t really have a firm plan on seeing quite yet…but I know I’ll see her and I want to be prepared when I do. It can’t be that hard to get a car and cross the border into Uganda to find little Billah by the waterfall, I mean I can find my way back to that spot as long as I can get a car and possibly a partner in crime to venture off.

So this is the goodies for Billah..and yes there is an elephant and he/she doesn’t have a name yet but I’ll think of one I’m sure:)
Did I go a little overboard on her? hmmm well considering I don’t see her much and a lot of it is for her schooling I think I am ok with the spoiling. Calculator, Geometry Set, Pencils, Sharpeners, colored pencils, pencil bag, match workbook and of course Girlie Stickers.  I think that will give her a well rounded education and a touch of compassion and love.

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Next pile are some necessities of tutoring and some cute little erasers for the school kids. The story books are for a bit of relationship building by maying some story telling opportunities:)?

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Lastly a Big Picture Bible book for those crowds of kids at the medical clinics that need some attention. Last time I had my ukulele and the kids sat around as I played, I’ll also have that this time but I thought why not mix in some storytelling here too. It has very colorful pages and some chance to share why I am there and that they are loved a ton.

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So now How will I get this in my luggage? very very carefully and with expert Tetris skills:)

Healing Eyes

Keep fighting the good fight

Some days pass by with nothing but waiting and others fly by with a whirl of activity. Such as this morning where I decided to write up an update letter and proceed to lick 57 envelopes to mail out to people for prayer support. Hopefully none of the glue puts a premature end to my life.

I’m trying to rationalize in my head what each day means and what I am to do..and then my head starts to hurt. Ever wonder why some are born with a handicap that makes them more dependent on others and as a result there life appears simpler. While others are born with the capacity to analyze everything in order to make each day completely productive and possibly complicated.

Can there be a balance?

Is that what the bible talks about with seeking Peace in letting go of anxiety and worry?

Are brains really capable of shutting down that ‘worry’ button?

Sometimes…Yes…but often the mind replays scenarios and memories on constant loop until madness sets in. Maybe I am crazy? and I am the only one who feels this way….

6 more days until I leave again and set out on Africa Adventure #2. This one feels more uneasy, traveling alone, running across airports, living with my mind when all distractions are removed. Completely and utterly in God’s hands to keep me going.

Keep Fighting the Good Fight

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Healing Eyes

A child dies in Soroti Africa

My heart hurts for a baby I never met…Another blogger just shared a story about a child that died in Soroti. When I was in Africa in January I went to Amecet and visited, it is a temporary home for babies and children who are found abandoned and/or in need of medical attention. I didn’t stay there long, only an hour, but they do some amazing work there. Below is the story of the child who passed away..


On 20th of November 2013, a very small, 2 week old baby was brought to us by the Probation Officer of Cortido. It was a Karomajong baby. Sabine was very small and weak, both parents had died and her sisters tried to care for her. It was not easy, we struggled for every gram she gained in the beginning. But we had Hope for her. Janneke and me used her picture even for our Christmas card in December 2013,

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We felt that Christ had come to earth also for children like Sabine. It gave us Hope for her!! And we saw a steady growth, she started to develop and we were so happy with that. she stayed longer with us than baby’s normally do, Sabine lived in Amecet for more than 7 months. by that time she was doing very well, smiling and everybody loved her. But our mission is to bring the children back to their families, and the family of Sabine wanted to care for her again. So we had to let her go…. a child belongs in his/her own family and there is where Sabine belonged. But it was not easy and we had some fears, because there was no mother in her family anymore…..Sabine went back to her family on July 3, 2014.

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Last week we got the message from the Probation officer that Sabine got ill and that she passed away, just 2 days ago. We were shocked and sad, but when I think about the picture from Sabine on our Christmas card (picture above) than I realize that she is now in good hands, the best hands!

Healing Eyes

When I can’t it must be the right path

When you look at someone crying what do you see?

When you look at someone screaming what do you see?

Why do I do what I do……simple…….because it would be crazy to NOT do what I do. I met with a friend over a smoothie at Starbucks today and she said I am not crazy. That going off to Africa isn’t crazy but actually quite appropriate. If I didn’t do what I do that would be a worser fate than settling for what I have been programmed to think as the right thing to do. Confused?

When I reach the point of … “I can’t” than it must be the right path to take because than it isn’t me doing it anymore but my invisible friend. The hard part comes when you think know one else understands or is with you on this decision. A decision that really is a no brainer because it’s what we are supposed to do. Bring Flavor to the world we live in and be Different…be compassionate…be empathetic…and to just BE.

I am looking to the left of me and I see my mattress sitting on the floor in my bedroom…its an irritant really that it’s on the floor and feels like college all over again. Looking for a platform bed but not wanting to spend the $150 on one if in a year I won’t need one. Looking at my couch that’s only a couple months old and think why did I need that….to feel normal? Everything can be gone again and it doesn’t matter how hard I hold onto it… Kind of like life, we can hold on to it so tightly but still lose it in many ways.By walking past that person in need that was crying silently inside and too afraid to show it. By walking past that child screaming on the inside but too afraid to express it.

What do you See when others cry? You should see you in their pain and let go of the walls that we put up to protect ourselves from connecting with another’s life.

Healing Eyes

My tiny little brain

Conversation with another widow about feeling the loss years later. It’s a common theme, a hole left behind after losing a spouse and the pain never truly leaving.

Who knows how long this will all last but at least by serving others it does ease the pain and bring purpose back to life. Selfish? Maybe…

Something must be going right though since I am only $100 away from the $5,000 goal I set a little over a month ago to fully fund the next trip to Africa. This trip will be yet another step towards finding out where I belong. Or perhaps how I can be used through others to help widows and orphans.

Maybe I am looking too big picture with my tiny brain. Yesterday I was put along a path to talk to two ladies about my mission work and following God through faith as far away as Africa. I thought yesterday would be merely a final trip to the beach with the kids from the Lighthouse, some fun in the sun and breaking up fights. Instead I talked to a widow I had crossed paths with numerous times but never conversed with and one of the mother’s joined towards the end. I shared photos and stories of my time in Africa and tried my best to share the burden laid on my heart to help others and follow the bread crumbs God has laid out for me.

So I think I have the tendency to look too far ahead on my path. There is a need to look closer in order to see who is watching and listening for a chance to be heard in this very vast world.

Who is Watching? Who also wants to be heard?


Only $100 to go and I’ll have all the money raised for the Kenyan Mission Trip to tutor orphans and explore a possible partnership with an organization already established there.

Donate Button with Credit CardsHealing Eyes is a 501c(3) Non-Profit Organization based in Western Michigan. If you would like to partner with us on a one time or monthly basis, please make your checks payable to Healing Eyes, Inc. and mail to 4160 Blue Heron DR SE, Apt 302, Kentwood, MI 49512. All donations are tax deductible and a statement will be mailed to you for your records. Thank you. If you don’t have a PayPal Account Don’t Worry it’s not required  look to the bottom left side after clicking the Donate button, where it says “Don’t have a PayPal Account”.

Healing Eyes

The mind can be a prison to our thoughts

I feel trapped …

between my way of control and my invisible friend’s version of life.

I feel trapped between the world’s way of living and my invisible friend’s way of living in the world.

I feel trapped by my willingness to go and the uncertainty placed before me of ‘norms’ of this life.

Fear of putting too much of what I have to live on into an unthinkable direction in life. In the ‘Widow’s Offering‘ it doesn’t mention the fear she must have felt as she put the last very small copper coins into the offering. Will I resort to that? Will my days dwindle down to the last 2 pennies I have left from Andy be put towards living beyond what we comprehend as ‘Ok standard of living’…

I came to this island to heal a year ago..I met many different people. Learned I could love again. Learned to love me as Sarah only. Found meaning in life again…had many adventures. Now my next adventure begins and I must give up things, people, and safety to travel far and see the worst mankind has to offer. Send a widow to the wolves more prepared for trials to build a life once shattered by loss. “Sing barren Woman! More are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband.”


Fundraising Goal for Kenya Tutoring and Exploratory Mission Trip..only $377 to go by May 19!!!

The goal of this upcoming trip is to Tutor orphans but also seek out where I will land next…is it the land this other organization had donated to them by the government? Is that where the Home for Neglected kids is to be built? Is this another step closer to serving long term in Africa? Who knows…BUT it’s a step to take!!!

Donate Button with Credit CardsHealing Eyes is a 501c(3) Non-Profit Organization based in Western Michigan. If you would like to partner with us on a one time or monthly basis, please make your checks payable to Healing Eyes, Inc. and mail to 4160 Blue Heron DR SE, Apt 302, Kentwood, MI 49512. All donations are tax deductible and a statement will be mailed to you for your records. Thank you. If you don’t have a PayPal Account Don’t Worry it’s not required  look to the bottom left side after clicking the Donate button, where it says “Don’t have a PayPal Account”.

Healing Eyes

It’s not over yet

It’s not over yet

Have you ever hit your limit and feel finished? A friend sent me a link to a song called ‘It’s not over yet‘.

I listened to it after arriving at the condo I am staying at while visiting St. Croix for 2 weeks. Sometimes a song can really hit hard and sum up all the feelings inside and bring you to tears. Sometimes those tears are a great release to feel better. Sucks while you go through it but afterwards you feel a little weight off of your heart.

Wondering at what point I’ll feel less like a leaf blowing in the wind and more like a person with meaning again. If this is what everyone goes through after someone dies than I don’t know how any of us are functioning adults.

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For now I wait..and enjoy time with the kids

On an island in the sun where I once lived and wandered around. Visiting for two weeks is a very odd feeling. I’ve been here 3 days and each day I’ve taken kids out for mini adventures. For someone not used to having kids all the time I am tired but content. I’m already thinking of what it will be like when I leave and head to Africa. I’m a bit scared to be honest. 

I haven’t been thinking as much about the $1000 to go yet for fundraising. I have a month to find it. Anything is possible at this point. 

I hope to write more and share photos of the kids but for now I am beat. 

Goodnight from the island 

  

Healing Eyes