• sarah@healingeyes.org

Tag Archives: god

Fate turned into Chili?

Does prayer work in modern day life? What possibly comes from praying to something unseen?

I think not…I think are brains want to believe in something in order to not feel alone. That can be an interesting perspective right? It’s all make believe and coincidences….

Nah sorry guys but I just can’t think that way anymore. I have seen too much to sway me to the other side … and yes I do doubt and wobble around with these thoughts but after last night I again have to Let Go of my opinions and go with the flow.

I have been hoping for a CPA for several months now to help with my confusion on Math. Can I say how much I dislike math? It’s not just the numbers I don’t get but the forms and then record keeping and the possibility of screwing it all up. In a rather interesting twist of fate a CPA appeared yesterday because of Chili. Yes food again was the catalyst for the answered prayer. I think its the old ‘break bread’ with each other fable that seems to really work!

Last night was Healing Eyes first official Event and fundraiser. Prior to it I was doubting and wanting it to all disappear, my stomach was in knots about talking in front of people, I thought it was all going to blow up in my face, and I would embarrass myself. Big Sigh….but it all worked out. After I put the mic to my mouth and began spewing word after word and I started to feel the evil nerves dissipate I gained some confidence. Of course than I stammered and choked on words and cried but I got some laughs out of the audience and some tears. Perhaps one person walked away feeling what I felt and that this world needs people with that unhardened heart to see beyond the pain of ourselves and step out into the unknown.
By the end of it as the mic was put away and I stepped aside I felt utter relief it was over and my brain truly shut down. Every bit of me was gone and now others around started to help pick up and I stood there in amazement of all these people helping. It’s sooooooo cool to see people come together and even cooler when it’s something worth working for.

So I think Healing Eyes will continue on and as my Prayer for A CPA was answered in a very cool ‘God’ way I will keep letting go and letting this mysterious invisible friend take the lead.

Photos to come soon! 🙂

Healing Eyes

Compassionate flavor of life

Dark is the sky! and veiled the unknown morrow!
Dark is life’s way, for night is not yet o’er;
The long-for glimpse I may not meanwhile borrow;
But, this I know, HE GOETH ON BEFORE.

Dangers are nigh! and fears my mind are shaking;
Heart seems to dread what life may hold in store;
But I am His – He knows the way I’m taking,
More blessed still – HE GOETH ON BEFORE.

Doubts cast their weird, unwelcome shadows o’er me,
Doubts that life’s best – life’s choicest things are o’er;
What but his Word can strength, can restore me,
And this blest fact; that still HE GOES BEFORE.

HE GOES BEFORE! Be this my consolation!
He goes before! On this my heart would dwell!
He goes before! This guarantees salvation!
HE GOES BEFORE! And therefor all is well.

By: J. Danson Smith

What should I fear? If my future is already known than I should be filled with peace. I am blessed with time to mourn and contemplate…some are not. Some look for ways each day to scam an unknowing person of cash while others severely need that cash but will not turn to treachery. Deciphering who is in need and who is lying is something nearly impossible. If we are to give regardless of the intention of the receiver than is that enough? It’s the act of giving that shows our heart of love and compassion for others. If it’s the act of giving and not the assurance of its use that shows our worth than is that enough? In Africa there was a lady who appeared to be in need and suffering from a loss, she wailed and cried on the ground, but it turned out later she was lying. Was the expression of love towards her for nothing when later it was spat on? Is that to prevent any further kindness to others on the chance that they are lying?

If some choose to feed others with a bad tasting ‘flavor’ of humanity than others should overwhelm them with a great tasting ‘flavor’ of compassion.

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Healing Eyes

Doubt but never Give In

If you go out on faith…

If you take the steps you are told to…

Will you ever get affirmation of it being the RIGHT thing to do?

YES I think so…well Now I do.

So Good news and Bad news. The good news is I feel like I have some direction again but the bad news it means the St. Croix Chapter is coming to an end sooner than expected. Also means I have a lot of work to do for my Non-Profit to flourish. But I have struggled and prayed on it and after weeks in Africa wondering what is next I think its the right choice. Plus after my unexpected conversation with a lady at an Apartment complex about leasing a place for 6ish months starting in March I am even more sure in my faith. I am taking another Leap and going to return to Michigan for 6 months’ish in order to grieve a bit more locally but more importantly to try and raise funds and make connections for the Non-Profit in order to end up in Africa in a year. Now there are so many details I could drown my mind in…like how and how much and where and how do you buy land and what will I do and who will go along with this and yada yada yada. Phew hurts my head!  But basically I know I am supposed to be in Michigan for 6 months and then after that I am supposed to find out how God is going to pull off the next major miracle…Getting to Africa.

So simply put… Trust a bit more that things are out of your control. I did it by saying ok I’ll find an apartment to come back to and Ok I’ll work on my business and Ok I’ll embarrass myself more by trying to raise funds to do the impossible.

Doubt always but Keep pushing on!!! eek!

Chili Cook off to raise funds – Feb 5th at Gaines Church in Caledonia, MI.
Be there with an empty stomach and an open heart.  

See my Healing Eyes facebook page for more details 

Came back with a scarf I bought in Soroti for her

Came back with a scarf I bought in Soroti for her

Healing Eyes

My little friend amongst the waterfall

There is a beautiful country where people are struggling to see past the pain.

There is a beautiful country where arms are open wide for the love of compassion.

There is a country where you can see a glimpse into the past of what life was like before all the technology and modern conveniences we take for granted daily. For example…a toilet! Yes that simple porcelain seat in your cozy bathroom that allows for a private and comfortable hygiene luxury.

After spending 3 weeks in Africa I appreciate the Toilet and its abundant availability in the States. I didn’t mind sacrificing my comfort by hovering over a small crack in the ground while flies buzzed around…I didn’t mind always carrying toilet paper with me…But I am so grateful for the clean toilets awaiting me back in Michigan.

Of course running water already has been a sacrifice I’ve learned while living in St. Croix. Drinking tap water is an amazing luxury in the states. Having hot showers that come out of pipes is so delightful.  It was fun learning how to use a jug of water to pour into a basin to then pour over myself in order to bathe…that was humbling.

I am discouraged…I can not tell a lie…I have doubts…I have fears…and yes I do almost want to throw in the towel.
Can I admit that?

What now? 3 weeks away from what I had grown accustomed to while in St. Croix. 3 weeks tour of Uganda in order to try and see what am I ever to do next? I drove myself mad with that question! Simply mad! I even cried and stressed and got angry about not knowing. What the Hell am I to do with my tomorrows?!

Towards the end of my tour…after breaking free from the group I arrived in a more secluded area of Africa. It was after a very long drive on terrible roads and a slight detour (cough cough got lost). It was beginning to rain and the sun was setting, we didn’t know where we were and were desperate to find the place we were looking for in the mountains. The skies cleared and a rainbow appeared in the distance…directly over where we needed to go. Yes a fricken Rainbow! Ahh I like signs and symbolism but this one seemed too cliche. At the end of this rainbow was CiSiyi Falls and a little girl named Beela. She was tiny and giggled and was very shy…I instantly fell in love. We giggled at eachother and I played the ukulele for her…she shyly danced in the moonlight. That night I was blessed abundantly! Was this the place I searched for? The place I am to eventually stay at? Was it a dream? How can I go back?

So many questions and fears.

But little Beela is still there giggling away amongst the waterfall and perhaps a bit happier having met 2 mazungoos (what African’s call White people) from a far off land. I’ll write to her and hope one day we will meet again.

So what’s next? Well I think St. Croix chapter is nearly finished and now I must face some lingering grieving in Michigan while building up my non-profit company by raising money to go back to Africa. Buy land and begin an unconventional ministry there.

Healing Eyes

What does it all mean?

What is Healing Eyes Plan now that it has more real ties to being a Non-Profit?

Well My time at St. Croix is not over, even though I am heading to Africa for a short mission trip. In february I will return and continue volunteering at Lighthouse Missions until the School year is over in June. So that is 5 more months in the field serving children. Which means money raised will help support rent and fun outings and crafts for the girls I mentor. With the company now having real obligations that are in paper it is apparently more real this all becomes.

With change comes more paperwork it seems. I am beginning to see why people don’t really chose to go this route in a career. Now I am faced with overwhelming IRS paperwork of payroll and then having the Board approve a meager salary for me to keep serving others. What makes it hard to seem conceivable is right now I have no funds in the official company account to even imagine asking for a salary to keep me afloat. How can I plan for and ask for something that isn’t there and seems impossible? Even if I throw a budget out of $400/mo rent payment and then triple it so that the remainder of the funds go to encouraging the kids. Just like my mission statement says, “Help the impoverished and neglected children in at risk communities…”.

So the funds need to go to help the kids but also help me help them. How do I even do the paperwork for that with the IRS?

This blog might seem a bit whiney today…and confusing..perhaps it can show my fear. MY PURE FEAR of the unknown!

Yes I need to raise funds and I’m guessing $2000 for rent and then triple it for a grand total of $6000 in order to be on the right track with the IRS. Maybe I am worrying for nothing…if I ever find a CPA to give me advice or if the pattern of what normally happens continues. Where I sit back and then God takes care of it..but that can only work so far! I magically got medicaid for health insurance but I can’t just magically get a CPA that is free or magically get a salary from an Empty bank account.

Healing Eyes

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Healing Eyes

Saying Goodbye…for now

I cry…
I smile…
I worry ..

About the kids I’m saying good bye to for a month and half.

Thursday we made Christmas cards that I pulled together last minute. Trying to think of a fun craft that was more than coloring a print off. I wanted the girls to be creative and get gluey fingers haha.
I was running between desks cutting pipe cleaners, punching holes, and flying cotton for snow.

Does this all make a difference? Really?

My favorite girl that reminds me of me was sassy and also loving during class. She came because I told her mom I had a special treat. The French truffles for her to experience. She at first turned her nose up but then she came around and loved it. She is sooo like me lol.

Before class she pulled me aside and asked if I would taker her out after class one more time before I left. She said it was out last chance before I flew out. Normally she doesn’t like goodbyes but this time she was facing it head on by trying to squeak out more time with me.

I gave in of course.

I picked her up in the projects at night. And contrary to beliefs there was no gunfire or drugs, that I could see, when I drove in with my jeep. I did stick out though and a couple guys peered at me but didn’t do anything.

We want to see a movie and she brought her little cousin with. He annoyed her by talking too much. I need to work on her temper.
When I dropped her off I begged for a hug goodbye and she gladly gave me one. Normally she doesn’t do goodbyes. This time she did …

I cry..
I smile…
I wait..

For what’s next.
Africa?
Non profit ?
How will it all come together ?

I am so uncomfortable not having control!!!!

Yet all I can think of is a sassy, stubborn, little girl who might be missing me.

Healing Eyes

Christmas Party at Lighthouse Missions

Healing Eyes

An Anniversary of Life

The heart breaks again today…the anniversary of a death. The one moment in life where everything stood still amidst the crumbling walls around me. December 15th was the longest day of my life a moment I will forever ask Why. We seem to cling to ‘anniversaries’ of time and yet time is fleeting. It’s been a year and today the sky cries with me. The dark clouds are coming in from the east and shedding silent tears overhead… Tears are meaningful and yet we hide them to help others arounds suffer less. No more will I hide the tears, today is a day of transparency. The mountains are shrouded in darkness and yet the sun is awaiting its turn…patiently waiting to shine again. We grieve loss but we don’t die ourselves. We trudge on through the gloom because there is hope that one day we will meet again…

Some of my readers found this blog when it was called SarahAndyAdoption…Some of you when it became SarahAndyCancer…and now it is called HealingEyes. It started with hope of a ‘new life‘, interrupted by ‘reality‘, and now it is again about ‘Hope for a New Life‘.

Andy you left at 10:03pm on December 15, 2013…but the story continues.
You never left a legacy behind in the shape of a child but you have left a legacy behind of a transformed life.
Even in your last minutes you relented and found peace with God… and me.

Now a new life begins and never fear Andy I am not alone. I have been surrounded by children…a life we never could have…you would be amazed to see who I am today. Tomorrow may come without you and though I may shed wild tears for you I know you are smiling down at me as a child wraps their arms around my waist and says I missed you Miss Sarah. Perhaps its a bit of you left behind to comfort me.

Hug

Healing Eyes

Filling up fast

Fighting the genera feel of ‘ick’ today. But when I see others taking notice of what I am trying to do with the non-profit it makes me smiles. Raises my spirits a little bit.

Yesterday I picked up my first donation from a mother down in the projects. Awesome lady who just spoke Spanish but we managed. She had a huge box of clothes to donate for the Africa Mission Trip. So now I almost have my entire container full, which makes we worried a bit if I get anymore donations while on the island, since I only have 1 free checked bag. If anyone wants to donate for the Africa trip I can purchase items in Michigan with help from others. Out of Chicago I can check 2 bags for free! Contact me to help. I also still need help financially for the trip if that’s an option for anyone.  and PRAY I don’t get sick during travel this time.

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My packing has begun to downsize a bit in order to spare the other container I used to move down here. Which means I now have to get my belongings into just one container before I leave island for a month. It’s good to not have a lot of ‘stuff’. Which makes Christmas time a bit harder this year because I don’t really want anything physical. What would be great is to see more supporters join in this story, help finding a CPA or bookkeeper for the non-profit, and more prayer for the coming months of unknowns. Donations for the kids on St. Croix would be awesome for when I return in February too. I don’t know how this Africa trip in January will shed light on next steps but I hope it leads me to where I am to go next and how to pull this crazy faith walk off.

Serve others and live simply. Cute Video I took at Lighthouse Missions with one of the Girls.

Healing Eyes