• sarah@healingeyes.org

Tag Archives: god

Patience can pay off

What if you had no voice?
What would you do?

What if you had a voice but no one heard you?
What would you do?

What if you were too scared to talk?
How would you cope?

There is a little girl who started this year who won’t talk. When she does it’s barely a whisper and a squeak. Yesterday was so cute though since she squeaked a lot. She really likes making rubber band bracelets but is sad when she can’t keep the one she makes, I almost want to break the rule and let her so she smiles. At the end of class on this day I was hurrying to finish the last polar bear snowmen when I was asked to go over to her class and see why she wouldn’t leave with the other kids. She was sitting politely at her little table all alone with her head hung low. I kneeled down and asked what was wrong and she squeaked madly and pointed at her pages and pages of homework not completed. I patiently tried to calm her down and began working on the math problems with her. I got her to say the numbers as we added them! In between squeaks of course. Each day she gets bolder…it won’t be long before she talks all the time. Sometimes we just need patience and perseverance to be heard.

Healing Eyes

To that ONE widow

Widows you may not realize this but you are stronger than you think. There will be those dark nights and dark early mornings where you feel all is lost. Your heart will physically ache and you will clutch your heart and ask why keep going. The tears will just start flowing and you’ll look up to the ceiling and memories will flood in…you used to have someone next to you to hold you when you cried. Your mind will turn dark and you may think of doing something thinking it will end that pain. It’s going to be ok though. Just OK though ha. If you are facing a milestone in your grief soon, 6 months, 1 year, 5 year marker, whatever number it is…you have strength inside you didn’t even know was there.  This morning I made myself get up and jog (this is a milestone in itself as when your depressed you do not run) after getting an amazing email from a friend. It was as if in my darkest hour at around 3am God decided to throw me a hand and remind me ‘everything is under control’. Just like earlier with my Jeep and the out of the blue donation to fix it.

It’s in those darkest hours where you find helpstrength you never knew was there. Now even if you don’t believe the God thing and all that religious stuff there is SOMETHING in you that is keeping you alive. There is a widow story in the bible about being persistent and asking over and over for something and eventually the person will give in to the widow. Maybe it is not JUST about the NEED the widow has but it is showing the underlying strength and perseverance the ‘widow’ has. Great Loss Sucks! Grief sucks! But something happens after that awakens you…just don’t give up…if it’s that ONE widow reading this today that feels as if the world under her feet is caving, that her heart is literally breaking…it’s going to be ok and someday maybe your heart won’t feel crushed.

Now to that email. One of my supporters back in Michigan sent me a delightful email this morning about a door opening on a possible connection with a church I know there. This has been a door closed for almost 8 months, it cracked open a few times but quickly shut again. She shared how she prayed on an opportunity and that she was given it on a silver plate one day and overwhelmed by the response. Maybe it is true if you just Ask for something and don’t give up after the first denial you might be pleasantly surprised. I want to go into more detail but I have to rush to get my laundry together for my friend who is amazing and does it for free for me. Yes I did have to swallow my pride a bit for that but hey Free Laundry and maybe folding!

So stay tuned for more…I hope:)

And you that ONE WIDOW reading this… You are going to be ok! just might suck for a bit… contact me if you need a shoulder to cry on.

Healing Eyes

Love hate relationship

There is a mosquito hunting me. I can hear him buzzing in my ear and then he’s gone. One mosquito can cause so much frustration!

and that leads me toooooo…. MY JEEP

It’s a love hate relationship with my jeep. We might be on the mend again with our friendship as long as she keeps cool and doesn’t blow her lid again. Her radiator cap was the problem today and hopefully it’s snuggly secure and won’t let off steam anymore. I am going to ignore the burning smell by the driver’s side tire, hoping it was just a random smell and not the brakes or something worse.

Now that mosquito may be carrying a virus that I do not care to experience and yet it really wants to share it.

Card from my favorite girl

Today Grecia made me a cute card that I wasn’t expecting. She was very quiet and well behaved which I also was not expecting. So even though it seems everything else around me is buzzing at least today I was blessed with this beautiful card..

It seems me going to Africa is having a bigger impact than I had thought on the kids. I started going through my stuff in order to downsize a bit in order to have room to ship donations back to Michigan with me for Africa. I am always downsizing and packing, never able to stay settled long in one place. It has some positives but really hard to feel at ease anywhere. It’s preparing me for something more in life, hardening my shell as one of my past managers would have said.

Every little thing is gonna be alright!

Healing Eyes

Don’t worry..I have your back

After arriving late to the boys and girls club due to my Jeep being indisposed again. Yes my Jeep is my thorn in my side but it is teaching me patience and to roll with calamity. I took her (aka Jeep) to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles today for registration renewal and it was not as awful as an experience as I was prepared for. The inspector was nice and charming, the people inside were cordial and the wait wasn’t terribly long. Now the system of calling your number (which is handwritten on a piece of scrap paper) was a bit illogical but all in all it worked out. I still like to call this place 2.5 world country since it really has a lot of idiosyncrasies to it. All the St Croix readers will understand what I mean:)

Sadly I failed the inspection test:( my reverse lights were not working. So it is at the mechanic for that and also to see why my radiator fluid is slowly disappearing and why there is a greasy residue below it. I hope its not oil.

But I am not going to complain because as my anxiety level was rising because of the Jeep I got a wonderful email today from a supporter who wants to help out with my Jeep Expenses. So YAY! Don’t worry..Be Happy Now! yes I did just quote a caribbean type song…I think I am allowed to though.

Last night I thought about how I could quit this mission. What it would take to return back to Michigan and get a job, settle down and be normal. I really was close to throwing in the bag since the pressure of succeeding is weighing heavy. Having to find a CPA and tax experts, liability insurance, 501c3 status, board of directors, fundraising, it’s all enough to make me think I can’t do it. It’s too much and I am too broken to continue.

But

With a single email from a Michigander I feel like I can keep going and it will be ok. I will not end up in a cardboard box! Timing is everything I guess.

The kids today were ‘behaved’. Yes, behaved! One of the boys said, ‘Oh your here’. One of the girls apologized for calling me Mean because I guess once I arrived the kids were saying ‘Miss Sarah is here and she isn’t coming in to say hello to you.’ and so that one girl said I was mean. But later she apologized because I did come in and say hi to her. These kids are so attentive to my comings and goings.

Three boys needed me today for Social studies and spelling words. Two of them like to cheat off each other and so that was a challenge. As always he called me ‘mommy’. So weird.

Later on we worked on bracelets some more. The boys counted them and we have 213 so far! They are so proud of their work and excited to think they are helping kids in Africa. It seems counting also is a way to keep them from being wild and crazy, allows them to see their accomplishment, and teaches them math. Picture this…2 boys counting bracelets while kids are screaming and running around doing several different things, an adult is screaming out names for pickup, and I am just standing there watching the magical rhythm of this club. I still don’t understand how yelling out kids names and showing anger towards them when they don’t respond is at all a positive experience for them.

photo (16)

Healing Eyes

Expect more from the least

What would my job description be now if I had to explain it to others?

I just got back from taking 4 kids to the movies and I had only thought it was going to be 3 but once again another kid snuck in. It seems to be getting easier to get the kids after school now. It feels like I am making progress with their mothers finally which makes me think. Perhaps I should try harder to get to know these woman that work hard to provide for their children. Yes i could think the opposite and assume the reason why they let me take their kids out to the beach or movies is because they don’t want to do those thing. Or. Perhaps its because they need to work a lot in order to put food on the table and give their kids a place to stay. It may not look like the best lifestyle to others looking in but once you really start to look you can see how much they care for their kids and how much more I have to learn about their stories too.

My new job description is going to be relationship builder to those with the least of things. Maybe I”ll find that its not quite what I think and they have a very rich life measured in another way.

After the movie I ran into a boy from the boys and girls club, he recognized me first of course. Then I a mother caught my eye and said ‘Hi Miss Sarah’. It seems I am starting to be noticed more. She was interested to hear more about my trip to Africa coming up and how she can help. Maybe God was right when he said I needed to seek out others that I wouldn’t have originally assumed to want to give. It’s always the people you don’t expect that step up. I better be careful what I ask for as now I am afraid I might get an abundance of supplies to bring with me to Africa. I’ll just have to pack nothing for myself and wear only 2 outfits in order to have room for all the gifts.

My wish is that others could see what I see here. Experience what I am feeling. Above all know what it is to Give Back and step outside your comfort zone.

Tomorrow I got sweet talked into agreeing to taking the girls to the beach/pool again. Perhaps it will be hard to say goodbye when the day comes. Whatever am I to do!

Healing Eyes

Loud and Clear

When a child is hurting or hiding something they won’t say much. In some cases the child shuts down and doesn’t say a word to anyone. I’ve been fortunate to have a little girl talk to me a couple times since meeting here. Today she audibly said something that made me giggle. Normally when she speaks its inaudible and at most you can kinda hear a faint whisper in your ear. I mentioned her earlier when she whispered, “I miss my parents”, to me. Today she blew me away when she almost let her wall down enough to yell something out to me.

I told my girls we were making snowman in class today and she overheard me mention that. She is in the primary class and not mine. She grabbed me on the way in and mumbled something and then she repeated it LOUD and clear, “I want to make a snowman!”

Moments like that make it feel worth it. I even got her to smile a bit and learn how to make rubber band bracelets. She was very persistent in learning even though she kept messing up. Finally she made a bracelet and than a second one. When I told her they are going to Africa she threw her arms together and whined with a very sad pouty face. Me and the other kids explained to her that sometimes you have to Give to receive and this time she needed to give. Eventually she understood..I think.

I think sometimes we all want to put our arms around our chest and sigh that life isn’t fair. Why can’t I have it or why does some things come easier for others. Being content with what we have is hard and hopefully these kids are learning something about sharing and letting go.

Pastor Abe vs 4 girls

Pastor Abe vs 4 girls

Healing Eyes

Milestone for Healing Eyes Inc

Well I did it! I clicked the submit button and now I wait…wait…and wait…to hear if I am approved.

My 501c3 application is in the hands of the IRS now and I’ll need as much prayer as I can get that the application gets approved and that it goes smoothly from here on out. It’s all fine and dandy to go off and volunteer to help kids but then there is the paperwork and the taxes and the paperwork eeeeek!

photo 2 (3)photo 1 (4)

  • Another quick update. I am now fully stocked with Rubber bands for the kids and we have a wee bit over 100 bracelets made for Africa Mission trip. It’s so great to see everyone gathering around to make this happen. Yay! Rubber bands!
  • The Africa trip is fast approaching and I just extended it by 3 days in order to visit an orphanage in Soroti. Pray the planning and preparation goes smoothly. Getting nervous. If anyone wants to make a last minute donation and get a tax write off please contact me ASAP so I can get you the mailing address. My deadline to pay is by December 13.
  • Mosquitos are quite irritating this time of year and I am hopeful I won’t get the chikungunya virus going around.
Healing Eyes

What’s a Squirrel?!

IMG_2152

Why does he keep calling me Mommy?

Made the Squirrel craft today. I figured screw trying to pick only the easy crafts with the Boys and Girls club because of the chaos there. We are going to use glue and get messy! The kids loved the ‘thankful squirrel’ craft and most of them survived the trip home I hope. This one boy really wanted to make one after he finished his homework so I gave in because I am a softy for him. We sat together and worked on it one-on-one and he is proudly showing off his squirrel in the above photo. At one point i was getting faint from lack of food and the yelling kids so he shared his cheetos and cheeze crackers with me. See God provides:)

Squirrel

Showing off their Squirrels. One Kid thought it was a beaver.

 

The kids are still excited for my Africa trip and enthusiastic to make rubber band bracelets. Today I ran out completely, they just devour them. Hopefully tomorrow I can find the new shipment of rubber bands at the post office. It’s so cool to see how much the kids want to be a part of something and to be noticed for their accomplishments. We have a little over 100 bracelets made so far!


Got to take 5 kids to the beach on Saturday and it was quite an adventure again. Piled them up in my jeep and gave them another day to remember, for me and them. At the end one of the new boys I just met didn’t want to leave me, he kept trying to sneak back into my jeep when I turned my back. I wish I could put into words the day but perhaps the photos can speak for themselves. I’m making some big leaps towards meeting the mothers of these kids and I wonder if somehow I can grow those connections and not just the kid ones. I mean the adults matter too and perhaps that’s a piece forgotten on the island here when the kids get all the photo ops and special programs.

 

Healing Eyes

‘Break’ away to succeed?

Break up the hardness of their hearts. Sometimes hearts have to be broken to be cleaned up, made fertile for something to grow. Perhaps chipping away at hardened stone will produce beauty underneath or maybe the stone is too think to ever break through. Can a life be like a field needing tilling? Clear out the hard rock to produce soil. What will be done with that soil?

Yesterday Johan said, ‘Hi Mom’, very casually this time.

I have been in a funk this week, memories of Andy mixed with feelings of failing. I was working on my application for 501c3 status today and half way through Legal Zoom submitted it and now I am locked out. Two hours of heads down work and rationalizing what this non-profit is going to do and how its funded and then it’s all gone. I can’t call and complain since the office is closed for the holiday, I am entirely helpless while I wait to yell at someone at Legal Zoom for making an awful website. So much red tape and hoops to jump through and fees after fees to try and do what we are supposed to do. Help others. I am thinking it’s purposely daunting for the very reason to undermine trying to start something good.

In 6 weeks I will travel to Africa to see what I am up against. I still need my yellow fever shot and to come up with another $1700 bucks to do it with. I’m not terribly worried about the cost, more worried about staying healthy enough to get my yellow fever shot. Really want to bring supplies over with and get others excited about stepping in to help. The kids at the Boys and Girls club make me smile with there enthusiasm for helping make bracelets. We have about 100 made so far and they are demanding more rubber bands. Next week I hope a shipment arrives fast enough…these kids are so amazing on how they want to help.

What happens to us when we grow up that makes us lose that selfless desire to help? Is it all the stuff we can buy instead, like the crazy cheap plasma TVs the day after thanksgiving. Me and Andy bought TVs, the bigger the better, we were happy. I’m afraid when I go to Africa I am going to see so much sickness and helplessness that I’ll come back even more driven to make every penny count. But then will I just go crazy trying?

It’s so quiet here right now.. a calm before the storm. I am worried about failing at this non-profit thing and finding more directors for my board of directors that are a perfect fit. Proving to the IRS that I have a valid plan when I am scared that I don’t because it makes no sense. I see a book on the floor about How to Form a Non-profit…it has so many big words in it, it’s so confusing. I have my board meeting on Monday with my three dedicated members and I am supposed to have an agenda and go over bylaws and legal stuff and nominate new directors….all so foreign and insane.

But the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth, and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful.

It’s the journey, not the end goal… right?

September 15, 2012: I referred to being chipped away and not wanting to be shattered…under too much pressure. Was that the beginning of the chiseling of the stone to get at my heart.

Healing Eyes

Truth whispered through a giraffe

Today a giraffe spoke for a child in pain. You know how sometimes it doesn’t make sense why things happen to you or why we have to suffer so much? There is a sadness that lingers and how we try to shove it down so others won’t feel awkward around you because in truth that smile masks the truth.

I told my friend on the phone today, “I want to give up. It’s too much, too hard, I’m not the right person for this.”

There is a little girl that doesn’t speak, she keeps her head low and doesn’t smile much. Once and awhile you can get her to whisper Yes or No but she will revert to shaking her head to respond instead. I’ve been memorizing how to make Giraffes out of origami so that I can make a little girl smile. Today I pulled out the paper and made a giraffe for this little girl and we used the giraffe’s to talk. I made up a silly story about 2 giraffes walking thru a valley and stumbling upon a teddy bear (her sister had a little plastic teddy bear that magically appeared). The giraffe’s got mad at eachother and she hit my giraffe with hers and so I made my giraffe lay his head down in sadness. She then nudged my giraffe with her’s to say sorry and comfort me. Then we walked into the valley again making the giraffes play together. Her giraffe got very sad and she put her head down on the picnic table. We tried naming the giraffe and she didn’t like any of the names until finally she agreed on the name Twilight (this was only through a method of saying names until she nodded her head yes). Then she came around the table and sat by me and we tried making the giraffes sing but she wouldn’t agree. I thought she was trying to tell me a song she liked but after repeated attempts for her to whisper in her sister’s ear what she was saying I gave up. Then I asked her one more time to whisper into my ear. She did and I couldn’t understand. She tried again. “I miss my parents”. She wasn’t trying to tell me a song she was telling why she hurt. That was all she said as she laid her head on the table and sighed. All I could do was put my hand on her back and try to comfort her without scaring her off.

I don’t know what her family life is like or who takes care of her. Not sure what she meant by that but she was very sad. So I am very sad too. My smile is my mask to others. She hasn’t learned to mask her sadness yet, she chooses being mute instead.

Afterwards I went to the other club for their thanksgiving meal. I didn’t belong. I always stick out. Sadly I found out Miss Sarah was killed yesterday by a friend, she was ripped out of her hermit shell and killed. I feel bad for Angel who liked her little hermit crab so much she named her after me and was going to paint her shell pink.

I am sad.

Healing Eyes